Strolen\s Citadel content. 
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 05:55 PM
Suspension of disbelief regarding the bird getting on to and out the the airplane in such a way as follow chic around a major international airport:

check

Suspension of disbelief regarding a talking song bird (even if its polymorphed bird):

check

Nice story, stuff happens, I was interested.

I would drop the second to last paragraph. The story ends once the woman leaves...and it is better that way. Go to Comment
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-16 06:02 PM
Aye without suspension of disbelief supers stories deflate rather quickly, although Evie didn't follow her around the air port terminal inside, so much as see which gate she was standing at through the exterior windows then boarded the plane with said tail number in between the loading crews loading of luggage. ;)

AI agree speaking while poly morphed is questionable, but having her shift back into a naked human every time she had to have a conversation, would grow... tiresome and make the stories read like some kind of exhibitionists fantasy

Glad you liked it, more to come in a few days, like usual. Go to Comment
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-19 09:36 AM
5.0/5 + Fav'd

Left hanging on for more right at the end there, particularly interested in this other woman that Sarah is with. Go to Comment
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-19 09:36 AM
Forgot to vote, meh :/ Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-14 01:17 PM
Minor Note:
"The new quarter began at school and Sarah was deep in study land. Despite her words about me stealing her study buddy, she didn't seem to mind that Ellen got me more now. Almost as if she deliberately invited me over to get to Ellen.."

This is an early conclusion for second date so I assume their relationship is progressing but the chronology is a little tough to follow in the beginning.

Bigger thought:
Ellen and Eve's whole courtship feels like a rush to consummation. And without any conflicts-internal or external-nothing really happens in this section.

What was your goal with this section? Go to Comment
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-14 06:03 PM


The goal was to cover the the important highlights of the relationship, since Ellens factors into a few future chapters prominently. As for detailing the other dates, it came across as unneeded fluff so was edited from the final piece with only important developments listed. (There were a dozen or so dates at least before the intimate one, but a laundry list of dates felt pointless to include.)



Also aye, the chronology is a bit tough to follow due to the edits for brevity, I'll see about fixing that in the near future.

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Kassy's comment on 2014-04-16 06:40 AM
4.5/5

I love the banter and camaraderie in this piece. They way the characters are bonding is well set out. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-11 08:29 AM
Did she grab the 'river trout' from the Harlem, East, Bronx or Hudson river? Good trout fishing in those rivers?

I am not sure this post really needed to happen. We don't learn anything about the world or the characters (except no underwear). There is no drama or conflict, the "asking Ellen out" bit could/should have involved more tension or internal dialog, particularly considering all the swings the main character took the night before.

The only thing of interest is that I don't buy Ellen's interest in Evelyn, and am waiting for Evelyn to finally get rejected or have 'a gut check'.
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Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-11 09:14 AM
If we were work shopping this story, I would still suggest cutting this scene. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-11 08:39 AM


Originally this was part of the 4th sub, but I split it up to keep word count down to a shorter level for those with less time to read lengthy subs, and aye, you're right it likely could be cut with minimal impact.



As for Ellen, I figured it will become apparent the complex nature of that relationship in time. ;)

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Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-11 09:58 AM
3.5/5

Well written and continued from the previous sub. However, axlerowes is right in that it does seem a bit short. But it's six and two threes really.

Still a good sub and I can't wait for it to continue!

Faved :P Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 4
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-08 07:46 PM
Video stores? Nobody messing around on cell phones? Nobody is internet stalking each other? And a teenagers learns about current events from television?!? Is it 1993?

I keep expecting this to get stale, but each chapter really brings us something new. We learn a lot about the world and Evelyn, but I am still not Evelyn has learned anything yet. Anyway good stuff. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 4
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-08 08:14 PM
She grows up in time, especially after her trip to Africa in the future. ;) Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 4
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-09 11:33 AM
5.0/5

You really have a gift for storytelling, it's truly amazing! I like the way I can just let myself "fall into" reading it.

Thank you :) Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 3
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-08 06:15 AM
This jackass freshman over-sharer is the scariest thing I have ever read here. She is a very believable 18 year old.

I am pretty sure Columbia is way up town, like 114th street (maybe that is midtown) and the village...I think is between 14th and Houston. That is like 100 blocks or so at least 5 miles. Muro can weigh in on this. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 3
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-06 02:05 AM
Nope, still every other day, I posted this after midnight on the 5th, blame the pesky international date line for making it appear on the 4th for you :P Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 3
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-05 09:26 AM
Upped the rate to 1-a-day, eh? :P

I like that you're taking the time to introduce and build the characters and the level of detail involved is brilliant.

5.0/5 and faved again :) Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-05 08:44 AM


The scene in which she throws herself at Sarah Voltaire only to conclude that she didn’t want to seem obvious…that was funny. I particularly thought this line rang true.



I smiled, unable to resist the urge to show off my knowledge just a little. "For example, they now think raptors used their wings for stability and flapping to stay on top of their prey while hanging on with their hooked claws and eating it alive." I paused and blushed slightly, suddenly embarrassed at sounding like some kind of Dino geek in front of the girl.


This sounds like every undergraduate science major I’ve met (ahem…or maybe use to be). Those kids are ready to drop knowledge at absurdly inappropriate moments, and without any real understanding of what they are talking about. Eve may have the ability to understand Velociraptor mongoliensis in a way that guys scratching at fossils cannot, but I am sure she does not understand the research she is talking about. This is a brave (internet brave) choice having your narrator be flawed and a little unreliable. Brave because I know that uncertainty turns off some readers. But I really like and enjoy what you are doing with her voice. It adds a layer of realism.





However, the story within the story was a little rough. I think a little more imagery and making the language a little more explicit would help communicate Sarah Voltaire’s story as the narrarator and thus the world understands it, and would keep the flow of the story going. For example



As soon as the professor begins speaking she sat up, yanked out her ear buds, and whipped off her shades. That’s when, while the professor made introductions, I recognized Sarah Voltaire. Here you have three events: Girl in green shirt removes shade Professor starts talking Eve recognizes Sarah Voltaire.


The events are explicitly connected. For all we know that moment Sarah Voltaire could have materialized behind the professor, or the professor is Sarah Voltaire in man form, or the girl in the green shirt is Sarah Voltaire.



You could tighten up the sentence a bit by adding





I recognized the girl in the green shirt was Sarah Voltaire aka Quantum.


Then as you go through the flashes of images things get vague and unclear. I know it is easy to expect the readers of genre fiction to fill in the gaps. (Of course my genre bias tells me warhammer was a supervillian, but it wouldn't hurt to tell us that. Or tell us Eve's opinion of Warhammer versus the media's opinion. Eve is telling us this in retrospect so she could reflect more on these flashesthan she did at the time)



But you leave a lot of gaps in that story of Voltaire, it kills the flow of this piece and there is no reason to do it.



You should add another clause or sentence to each to specific memory Eve has regarding Voltaire. These should help to connect things temporally and draw out the details.



I know they are supposed to be just short flashes, but the flashes are very vivid and important images in Eve’s mind and you should paint vivid pictures with your words.





Lastly, undergraduate paleontology is really pushing my suspension of disbelief. I know the details don’t really matter, she just need to learn about dinosaurs so she can shape shift and may be there can be so allegory for evolution and extinction with Delta humans and normal humans. But you could show the field a little more respect. Paleontology is a sub-discipline of what they call “Earth Science” these days (actually they have called in Earth Science since the 80s, and not deep enough into the field to tease out the symantics of the different Earth Science disciplines. She would either be in either a geology, biology or anthropology program depending on what department the university dumped its paleontologists. Would be Paleontologists focusing on dinosaurs would likely be studying biology or geology. I am sure there are Paleo 101 classes out there, but they would be survey classes for non-majors. Eve should talk to her academic advisor and dump that useless class. I know I am being silly here, but hey science deserves respect.

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Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-06 10:43 AM


The points come through, I was just suggesting the language get tightened up a bit and be a bit more illustrative. It is a minor thing. However, I don't think it was a problem with not knowing Sarah Voltaire, we have to know Eve's understanding of Sarah, even if its wrong. But it reads much clearer now. These are just prose details and I still think it is an interesting and well conceived story thus far.



I am still not quite sure what Eve thinks happened with the sniper. Statue was another super, she and Quantum got shot but Statue died?

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Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-05 01:46 AM
I'm glad you're enjoying it, there's lots more to come, although the beginning pieces are more character building and stage setting, there is plenty of action later on. Go to Comment
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