The hook had me on this one, I thought neat an organization of sauve body guards that put equal emphasis onf style and substance. But then it just turns into another list of fantasy equipment without stats.
The writing: it is like I am just reading the footnotes for piece. I get writing footnotes, but why not give us the whole thing. It is also a little two Scras-styled for my tastes, lots of proper nouns, no characters, no personality: a narrativeless fact explosion without personality written in the voice of an expert not burdened by doubt or academic sensibilities.
4.5/5 While awesome and FULL of potential for adventuring(In fact this would make an
amazing adventure modual that would work well for a supers game too) I feel that you missed the boat a little bit on this. This is perfect to turn into a DF and expand the CEs Cthuhu conection. Don't squander the oppertunity!!!! Go to Comment
This is fun idea, I like the idea of the giant semi-intelligent hive being. I like how you went into detail of the types of weapons, and the idea of the white admiral is nice touch. It would be fun to write up some wargame scenarios for the cosmic era. How much work would it be to pull together some basic rules for movement and damage and then start drawing up some units. We could do the Amerkia Command Infantry units, Pacific Rim flight mechs, a couple parapyschic command units, that could be neat.
As to the writing:
I suggest changing the opening sentence. If this was a work of non-fiction it would be described as "fact explosion'. As it is a work of fiction you need to add just enough specific details to offer versimilitude but enough to be dull and estoric.
"it's something of an old sailor's tale from the Pacific, most of the time the only people who know these stories are the the Hakka PROPER NOUN, Tanka PROPER NOUN, and Hoklo boat people of Southeast Asia PROPER NOUN, mercenaries and subvsersives of the Python Patrol PROPER NOUN, and the fleet intelligence communities of the Eurasian Alliance (Submarine Fleet) PROPER NOUN PacRim Coalition (Micronesia Fleet Arm) PROPER NOUN, and the Atlantic Federation (Space Intelligence) PROPER NOUN."
If this was a work non-fiction this would be what is called a 'fact explosion'. All these names are numbing and become meaningless. Plus you don't reference back to them in a meaningful way. Go to Comment
A pair of ladies lace gloves, that once donned, give the wearer a quick, and very tidy manicure. Nails are properly trimmed, sanded, and come out with either 'French' (insert game name) style nails, or their nails colored in the manner desired by the wearer. Useful for removing hangnails, and other cosmetic problems