I like your treatment/adaptation of this. I for one would want to see more, perhaps of other mythoi. Might I suggest Tekken? They've got some inexplicable characters and techniques I'd like to see Cosmicized.
You said Scorpion was the result of "infernal sorcery." Do you mean *magic* magic, or something else? I don't recall magic being a feature of the Cosmic Era setting, though you'll forgive me if I missed it mentioned in your wide corpus of work. Go to Comment
I think this a poor merging of these topics into the cosmic era. You haven't done anything new with the characters. I get that a big appeal of the cosmic era is playing with all the toys at once, and that respect perhaps you could a do write that mixes a lot of the things into one scene.
Example: Perhaps Kano runs an international contracting company as part of his cover. Kano and his team travel to a country with a bunch of heavy equipment and his management crew. You then breakdown this team as follows
Heavy construction equipment are actually the constructocons. A bunch of siebertronian beings.
Kano's girlfriend Pizazz travels with him along with her all girl punk band the Misfits
You get where I am going, if you really want to put all the stuff in the pot you got to take it out of the box first. All you did here is use the jargon and proper names from your setting to explain characters that already exists. At least your G.I. Joe clone list was a little tongue in cheek and had the amusing possibility of a ship manned by 400 shipwrecks.
The main thing that I think of is that you don't have to hit all seven points to have a constructive criticism, but it should ideally make you aware of how you critique, and how you could be more effective. Some people come across as very adversarial in their delivery, while others can end up being unhelpfully vague. Go to Comment
All commentors and submitters should read this monthly to remind themselves what good criticism is, and what to do with criticism. Those periodic times when people forget one or the other tend to cause offense to be taken unnecessarily, and nobody likes that. Go to Comment
Just a typo: the first sentence of the Reflection section should end with a 'be.' As in, "what will the result of the criticism BE?" Other than this, everything was excellent, which I now know I must add to make sure my typo bit is well-received ;). Still, I'm afraid this just isn't a 5/5 for me. Maybe if you provided some example maybe of each type, or dos and don'ts for each section, I could revisit my vote. In short, more material.
Still, this was an excellent adress of the topic, and I hope this criticism follows the above parameters. Go to Comment
Let me begin by saying that I have found my new hero. Lao is AWESOME. I love him in all the tiny little details. At first he was an ordinary old geezer. Harmless.
Then he stated eating people's souls, starting criminal organizations, and inviting demons into his body. Oh, and chucking fireballs for kicks and gigs. This is an awesome old geezer.
There is one thing that bothers me slightly: you say in the summary that he's one of the hidden masters manipulating the world, but you don't put anything about that in the actual sub. In fact, the impression I got was contradictory: Lao didn't care about the world, and simply wanted deification (did I mention that that was another thing I loved about him?). Everything else was simply a means to that end. The Lian Zhimeng don't seem to provide much global influence, and seem to stay within China's borders.
But this is just a minor point; I'd just change the summary to reflect Lao instead of the other way round- Lao, as I have said before, is extremely awesome. An excellent submission, and I've talked myself up from a lowly 4.5 to a full score. Excellent job, Scras. Go to Comment
One of the things I love about bureaucracies and other large organizations is their ability to disseminate and dispute the most basic provision ad infinitum.
This, gentlemen, is obviously not a tank, as even the most long ramble that wanders back will know that the tank has a turret and a single cannon fixed therein, and this armored combat vehicle has two cannons in it's turret, and since tanks have one and this has two it's either two tanks, or not a tank at all.
The tobacco industry successfully defended cigarettes for decades before they were out scienced and forced to admit that smoking might possibly be bad for you, according to the surgeon general. Go to Comment
There are, it is sort of a look into fundamentalism in a part of the world that has created zealots and violent organisations for centuries. Take away the oil and money and you have the conditions to start terrorism and that's what's happened today, but the Cosmic Era is post Islam so instead of the prophet we have tech worshipping zealots who are swayed by charismatic imams to wage holy war against those who defile the sacred tech. Go to Comment