Wow. There is a lot of surface details but nothing that gets me into the family. Too many people with too long of a timeline. It turned sort of into a list of facts about these people and nothing I could really use in a game.
This seems more like a background an author would put together for a story. Many facts aren't useful to us by themselves but if intertwined into a story they make more sense.
Definitely use some bold on your headings though. Just the break up of the text would make it much more readable. Put a blockquote on the "letter" to have it stand out.
I think I don't know what to do with it as there is so much generic information packed in about each person that there is not much to hang your hat on. The letter is probably the best part as it has some possible plot hooks perhaps.
Yeah, sorry, not my cup of tea. I thought I would be nice and try to read it, even though your warning about its inspirations nearly ran me off. I'm always one for sport, but this is too much for me to handle. I won't vote, since I did not read it all, and as it is lengthy and there was nothing to inspire me to read more, which, if you ask me, captures the style of the first Harry Potter book quite well. But I think a few pointers are in order.
• Capture your audience: That may have been the intent of the dilly names, but it was more of a turn off to me. I did read the first paragraph, but what I got out of it was this - This is a wizard family with lengthy crazy psuedo-Rowling names, we won't use these names since they are lengthy crazy and psuedo-Rowling, but none of these characters would ever allow themselves to be referred to by their incomplete name. Now, that is an exaggeration but you get the idea. Very off-putting if you ask me.
• Presentation is important. Throw in some bold headers so we can find our way back if we happen to wander backwards and reread something. The paragraphs could probably be shorter, too. Trimmed for content and broken up more.
But, like I said, I skipped around a lot and it didn't look horrible, but it's not something I feel like I would enjoy reading. I think role-playing material for a Harry Potter style world has a niche, and can be useful, it's just a very small one from what I've seen. I'm really interested to see how the other Strolenites view this, but I don't expect it to yield high results. Might have better luck with some HP fanfic site.
I hope I wasn't too harsh or rude, and I know I'm being slightly stubborn by not reading the whole thing, but I also hope you can walk away from my comment having gained some insight... or something... about something... or something....
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It is what it is, there's a place for this kind of stuff, just not in my world.
The bolding helps a bit! Now it is easier to follow. Thanks for the edit.
Ok, so, I for one do not mind an author's campaign minutiae. I often do write-ups like this for every NPC as well, and often get carried away with the detail, trying to create believable people. I just don't post that kind of stuff on the site usually.
There are some interesting personality tidbits I can steal from this I guess. I like the "pertinent facts and notes" and the letter has some interesting bits as Strolen said.
I think when you begin a sub by stating, "this may seem generic" and "Harry Potter- If that hasn't sent you packing, enjoy." you're almost saying right off the bat that you feel readers won't warm up to this. Which is a weird way to start a sub. :)
This brings up an interesting topic. There are 2 types of submissions, as far as I've seen over the years. There is the "Hope everyone can use this idea" in your game type of sub, and there is the "I am detailing my world, go away, if you don't like it", kind of sub. :) I don't have a point, just making the observation.
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Getting back to the sub, I will say this: Its not bad, a detailed expose of a family of npcs. There just isn't much that jumps out though.
An interesting read, but I'm not sure I see much HP inspiration to warrant the intro warning. (aside from coming from a long line of wizards) Then again I never read much HP beyond the first book or two, preferring RA Salvatore and Piers Anthony's works when it comes to fantasy. *shrugs*
That bit aside it is a set of very well detailed (if rather old) individuals which makes it a bit difficult to use in a campaign as readily. (especially given how fragile and rare 70+ year old people usually are in a fantasy world, although these are wizardly/heroic types...)
The first and best use I see for this is as a background and family legacy for a young PC to be based off of, and the letter making for a great plot hook to draw them into their (great?) grandmother/fathers personal problems and intrigue.
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A well put together sub over all if a bit dry, a section at the end for plot hooks would be a nice addition and help bring it all together as well as provide ideas on how to include this in ones campaign.