Congrats on braving the site. I went ahead and put your sub into request advice to save from any more votes for now.
Don't lose hope!! Take the criticism and see what you think. We have all gone through the voting gauntlet so don't take it personally, use it! You probably won't get such honest, helpful advice anywhere else.
If you need an ego boost, look at my subs and sort them ASC by date and see my first ones. EGADS!
This is a grand idea. Yes it needs work, yes it sounds VERY similar to the Forsaken from WoW, and yes it is not publishable worthy. But it has SO much potential please, please rework this. If you need help ask anyone here. Hop into chat or PM someone and we will gladly help you. PM me I have so many helpful ideas for this and would love to assist you.
I can only echo what has already been said. This needs expanding. I do like the basic concept, so please give it the attention and effort it deserves. And dont be shy of the spell check button. Grammatically, this needs some cleaning up.
I would suggest adding info on the general area, the village and its key locations and prominent figures. Perhaps there are more than one type of undead?
In short: Expand, elaborate, refine. Good idea, sloppy presentation.
An interesting piece I'd like to see expanded upon and fleshed out more. (pardon the pun) For example, it's mentioned they are very knowledgeable, but where did they get the knowledge from? Did the lich have an old repository of arcane tomes in a library they;ve obtained access to? Or did the Lich imbue them with knowledge mystically?
I'm also curious back the back story behind how they first were discovered by the surrounding villages and befriended enough to be named grave born rather then feared as a village of "walking dead," especially due to their xenophobic nature.
It reminds me a little of the town of friendly ghouls players encounter in Fallout 2 near a nuclear reactor, which always stood out in my mind and one of the more unique encounters in an rpg game.
Huh. This reminds me a little of the Forsaken from World of Warcraft. With the Graveborns' xenophobic nature, I wonder to what extent their culture revolves around "kill the living!"
Solid idea, but needs fleshing out (as others have said). Will withhold my vote for now.
(p.s. Welcome to the Citadel!)Go to Comment
Hi. Welcome to the Citadel. I would suggest that you read some of the other high-rated subs and see what they did and how they did it, then rewrite your piece to turn it into a sub that you can be proud of. It is a good first effort, but it could be so much more.
I'm withholding my vote until you have a chance to redo it.
I really like the core idea. I can see working this into my own campaign; I would love to see how my players react to it.
Go to Comment
I do think it could use some fleshing out. For instance, I'd like to know a little more about what motivated the Graveborn to stick together and form a community after the fall of their master. How long has the village existed? What kind of industry? You mention that they are xenophobic. How does such a community deal with the outside world? I think the interaction between the Graveborn and the living is filled with all kinds of possibilities. Have they had to repel crusaders wanting to wipe clean the unnatural creatures? Do they try to hide their existence?
I like the idea of a city of undead just going about their business. My own two cents - what if they didn't know they were dead? Perhaps they are blissfully unaware (or they chose to forget) that something terrible happened here, and they react to outsiders strangely because they look "funny" or "pink." I'd say perhaps they are outright friendly undead, if not a bit xenophobic, who carry on in death much as they did in life.