Excellent, this is sweet, it has a varied tone to the write up and a great deal of depth achieved with a conservation of language. I could see using this as pit stop in Noir-ish style mystery. The PC may need some knowledge that only a man of the march has and thus have to find him and break his stride at least briefly-maybe wait for eclipse or something.
Nice twist. So this deity somehow deludes or influences people to become part of a living energy source for her? What draws people there in the first place? Overall, a very interesting concept, but I'd like to see it fleshed out a bit more.
I like it. I am one for the you give and you take away type of rewards. This one definitely has its good and its bad. However I wouldn't have made them completely helpless. Possibly because the mites are out of time, so then is their body so they always seem to move much slower than anyone else. Its not because they are feeble but they are out of sync with time. Perhaps they can even perceive things much faster being out of time sync but can not react to it as quickly. Another painful reminder of their curse of youth.
Once again we learn that the ticket to immortality is not worth the price of admission. Indeed the only thing meant to live forever seems to a be repackaging of that old chestnut.
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But it seems to be a novel mechanism, and that is hard to come up with since this story has been told from the angry and scared man-child in Gilgamesh to the ennui ridden vampires (the ones that didn't date high school students).
Any interesting concept, but a bit too incapacitating to be useful in a campaign unless it happens to affect an npc the chars care deeply about and begin a quest to find the cure for.
I like Mourn's idea of the mites making the afflicted move slower, since an infected character woudl still be playable, just under the effect of a permnant "slow" spell.
There is something in particular that bugs me (haha... ha.) Im not sure how the mites work, but I think that might be better explained by why they exist. Is time itself made up of little insects? Are they parasites on time? I'm just having issues wrapping my mind around why they are what they are and why they do what they do.