An interesting creation myth with solid reasoning how it was recorded and preserved through the ages.
There are a few bits that are somewhat ill defined int he battle account, such as "devastating viral theurgies, reality-skewers and vacuum-lances." Defining these strange weapons in a separate sub might help make the battle sound more epic and less confusing.
Another small bit that confused me: "while the heavens were rent asunder by pleromic battles" IS this to mean "God like battles" or "battles of holy light?" clarifying this as well might make it easier to envision the battle and be less jarring to readers. (That and pleromic is one of those rarely used or referenced words few will understand the potential definition of without looking it up)
Those few issues aside though the sub makes for a good creation myth to add in to a fantasy game easily, or even as recovered scrolls of a long dead civilization in a sci-fi setting, nicely done.
I read this purely as a creation myth without any knowledge of the Locastus setting and liked the way the idea was executed, esp. the first part on the myth of the Grey Lady and the Seir ( I agree with Silveressa's point on the sci-fi terms although personally I just glossed over their actual meaning and interpreted them as being part of the description for a titanic battle with devastating impacts on the world so I didn't deduct any points for this aspect).
Overall, however, I did think this seems like a sub that has enough content to be labelled complete (and is accompanied with good quality write-up) but still lacks something to reach its full potential. In particular, I think the sub would have benefited if you could insinuate more on the culture of the Seir within the creation myth so that they are more vivid as a people. I think that would also address Silveressa's comment on this currently doesn't quite fit into the category of Lifeforms.
In the start of reading your short story I went like; Ah! I recognize Erikson influence, the names and so on. Small things that caught my attention. The introduction was very good, but did not suck me in right away. After the "introduction" I was not paying attention to details, and references any more. I read your text as I would read a novel I enjoy and the words were flowing together, connecting the pattern of a damn good story.
I can see this published in Weird Tales in the olden days, and, it would stand out. Really.
Your story was delivered in such a way that one not familiar with your Locastus setting could easily enjoy this, and that is the mark of a good story. Nevertheless, I noticed details like the Apt Death Camps and the Deader remark and enjoyed it. The story took me in an unexpected direction, I feared that you would linger in the battle once the introduction was set. When the cubes were mentioned, I thought; "Cool, setting chrome", I was wrong, the battle in that strange place was worthy story weaving indeed. Not to beat any dead horse, but it really felt like I was reading Esslemont, Cook or Erikson. Not in the sense that you have copied their work, nor in the sense that you are trying to mimic their worlds or style of writing. Just in the sense that YOUR STORY WAS AMAZING!
I can easily see this as the first pages of your first Locastus novel, from the cliffhanger we are taken somewhere else, and slowly multiple stories are woven together and form a grand tale.
If you continue on this I would be thrilled, if you leave it as it is I would still love this addition to your expanding Locastus universe.
Congratulations on finishing this awesome work David.
::Stamp of Awesome::
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