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The Seir and the death of the Old World
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Silveressa's comment on 2011-02-01 03:04 PM


An interesting creation myth with solid reasoning how it was recorded and preserved through the ages.



There are a few bits that are somewhat ill defined int he battle account, such as "devastating viral theurgies, reality-skewers and vacuum-lances." Defining these strange weapons in a separate sub might help make the battle sound more epic and less confusing. 



Another small bit that confused me: "while the heavens were rent asunder by pleromic battles" IS this to mean "God like battles" or "battles of holy light?" clarifying this as well might make it easier to envision the battle and be less jarring to readers. (That and pleromic is one of those rarely used or referenced words few will understand the potential definition of without looking it up)



Those few issues aside though the sub makes for a good creation myth to add in to a fantasy game easily, or even as recovered scrolls of a long dead civilization in a sci-fi setting, nicely done.



Edit:

Oh and on a side note, it might work better to leave the article as "in work advice requested" then putting it as a normal sub with the *In work* in the intro.

Also, since this sub is more of a archeological/historical text then about an actual lifeform a category other then Lifeforms Intelligent Species Any would be more appropriate and helpful to the readers. Go to Comment
The Seir and the death of the Old World
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Silveressa's comment on 2011-02-01 03:07 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Seir and the death of the Old World
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Moonlake's comment on 2011-02-10 11:05 PM


I read this purely as a creation myth without any knowledge of the Locastus setting and liked the way  the idea was executed, esp. the first part on the myth of the Grey Lady and the Seir ( I agree with Silveressa's point on the sci-fi terms although personally I just glossed over their actual meaning and interpreted them as being part of the description for a titanic battle with devastating impacts on the world so I didn't deduct any points for this aspect).



Overall, however, I did think this seems like a sub that has enough content to be labelled complete (and is accompanied with good quality write-up) but still lacks something  to reach its full potential. In particular, I think the sub would have benefited if you could insinuate more on the culture of the Seir within the creation myth so that they are more vivid as a people. I think that would also address Silveressa's comment on this currently doesn't quite fit into the category of Lifeforms.


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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Cheka Man's comment on 2010-11-17 10:46 PM


Worth buying.


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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2010-11-17 08:45 AM


In the start of reading your short story I went like; Ah! I recognize Erikson influence, the names and so on. Small things that caught my attention. The introduction was very good, but did not suck me in right away. After the "introduction" I was not paying attention to details, and references any more. I read your text as I would read a novel I enjoy and the words were flowing together, connecting the pattern of a damn good story.



I can see this published in Weird Tales in the olden days, and, it would stand out. Really.



Your story was delivered in such a way that one not familiar with your Locastus setting could easily enjoy this, and that is the mark of a good story. Nevertheless, I noticed details like the Apt Death Camps and the Deader remark and enjoyed it. The story took me in an unexpected direction, I feared that you would linger in the battle once the introduction was set. When the cubes were mentioned, I thought; "Cool, setting chrome", I was wrong, the battle in that strange place was worthy story weaving indeed. Not to beat any dead horse, but it really felt like I was reading Esslemont, Cook or Erikson. Not in the sense that you have copied their work, nor in the sense that you are trying to mimic their worlds or style of writing. Just in the sense that YOUR STORY WAS AMAZING!



I can easily see this as the first pages of your first Locastus novel, from the cliffhanger we are taken somewhere else, and slowly multiple stories are woven together and form a grand tale.



If you continue on this I would be thrilled, if you leave it as it is I would still love this addition to your expanding Locastus universe.



Congratulations on finishing this awesome work David.



::Stamp of Awesome::



Mike

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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2011-01-28 09:26 AM


BUMP and HoH. Read it and marvel, the best fiction post in the citadel by far.


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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2011-02-03 04:52 AM
Aye, looking good, cant wait for the rest. Actually, I think this could easily be the beginning of that book;)

It would be awesome for the reader to begin the story outside of Locastus, much more impact once we actually go there... *suspense music*

Keep going Dave, you have fans;) Go to Comment
The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2011-02-03 04:55 AM
And, not to sound like a broken record of the citadel, but maybe it would be easier to navigate if you broke it into scrolls or chapters. It could feel more rewarding updating it as well. Just a thought:D Go to Comment
The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Murometz's comment on 2016-01-31 10:16 PM
The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-08 11:38 AM
That certainly was bloody, but I loved it, I would love to spend some time taking the story apart talking about what was cliche, what was original, but if I want to make any single point (and I am no artist so take this worth a grain of salt) I would say the descriptive writing is excellent and the visuals clear and engaging. Thank you for writing this, and letting us read it for free.


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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
valadaar's comment on 2010-11-17 12:06 PM


I agree with MJS on the awesomeness of this one.   I would buy your novel.



I do need to finish reading it - I am half done.



 



:)

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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
valadaar's comment on 2010-11-17 02:02 PM
Finished it. Aaaaah!!! You B@stard! Finish it :P
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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
valadaar's comment on 2011-01-28 09:34 PM


Keep me hangin' on...

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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Ouroboros's comment on 2010-11-17 12:20 PM
Thanks, guys :) I have to say Mike has picked off all the major insprations. Nice to see a true fantasy enthusiast (geek) at work :)

Be warned, though, ít´s not complete yet.. So if your need-for-closure (NFC) rating is above-average, you might get annoyed :)

//David Go to Comment
The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Ouroboros's comment on 2011-01-28 12:28 PM
Update: Updated. Almost done. I´ve always had a problem with finishing things... Go to Comment
The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Ouroboros's comment on 2012-07-16 12:12 PM
Aaah, finally found the time to finish this one. It´s been sloshing around my mind for a year and a half.

Cheers,
David
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The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Ouroboros's comment on 2012-07-16 06:18 PM
I have. OK, it´s almost two years ago, but hey :) I hope you enjoy the rest.

//David Go to Comment
The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Katla's comment on 2012-07-16 05:42 PM
ser fram emot att läsa denna :) Go to Comment
The Deserts of the Heart
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Kassy's comment on 2015-05-12 11:26 AM
That, was a long, long, long!, read.

I really enjoyed it, have yourself a +vote toward Gold.

Adding this to my Favourites list too :) Go to Comment
The Lost City of Akelor
Locations  (City)   (Mountains)
Kassil's comment on 2009-02-04 07:16 PM
This? This very perfectly captures the feel of the Realms Beyond that menace the world of mortals, in everything from Lovecraft to pulp-action-style stories. A place that was once that domain of Man, overtaken by the power of something incomprehensibly alien and powerful.

One thing I could see, since these creatures obey different physical laws, might be that there may be literal masochistic creatures - for whom pain is a most novel and exciting experience; or ones who have reproductive methods that go a step beyond the 'usual' alien methods, breaking up into spawn as they die. I could also see, as complements to the titanic amoebae, gargantuan cellular forms without definable organs, but rather massive, rope-like strands of genetic information, immense enough that, if harvested, they could be used as such - although you'd be collecting those alien proteins on your skin with each touch, and who knows if they have some way to infect you?

I greatly appreciate the acknowledgement; Locastus, as a setting, would certainly mesh with the image of Kuramen in many ways.

My only real issue is that I'd honestly have broken this up into at least half a dozen subs; the blimp dragon, for example, could make a very interesting mini-dungeon; a number of the critters beg for further fleshing out; and so on. Still an awesome piece of work, however! Go to Comment
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