Yes, that could be quite fun. With all the comments on this Sub I cant wait to introduce my players to this. Go to Comment

Great idea, that needs so much more work!

Even if the enigmatic quality of the Tower requires it to be mysterious, it seems to me that it's used far to often by the community around it to be so "un-researched". Scholars, wizards and priests should flock around from everywhere, politics, ethical conflict, religious claims, all these would make such a powerful, if immobile device the center of attraction for many. and for instance, local rulers should guard it quite heavily if it goes of as good as every moonlit night...

but it's just my two cents then... :) Go to Comment

An interesting place, though it seems like almost sure death for any PC unfortunate to be sent to the place. I don't suppose the windows are close enough together on the inside that the character could use them as footholds to climb up the shaft and escape out of the top? Go to Comment

Very interesting. The thing that strikes me most about this is how clean it all is. Put someone in a little room, close the door, and wait for some harmless little moonlight. Afterwards, just get out the broom and clean up the innocuous pile of dust. A method of such brutality wrapped up in such a neat fashion says a lot about the type of tyrant who would use such a device and could inspire of number of linked adventures.

This puts me in mind of a combination guillotine (which was supposed to be a humane method of execution for its time) and some of the methods used to kill victims of the Holocaust.

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Not a bad submission, perhaps needs a little work.

Someone had hinted at the idea of it being a teleportation device? Perhaps it might have been, for some race of advanced sun-god-worshipping people who were immune to the radiance of the tower. Or perhaps they had special equipment which immunized them. And maybe if the PCs found a way to get a hold of that equipment they could go somewhere REALLY cool. Of course...that's just the ramblings of a radical, senile old mage who lives in a tower miles away from the town...

Definently has potential!

 

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I'm not sure what to feel about this submission. I like that it has several histories and several plots (one of which I like, but putting players in a save or die situation tends to make them unhappy and frustrated). I like the description and the setup alone would make for an interesting mage tower or other building. I just feel like there is something missing from it, like it's a bit too blank to be fully realized. 

I also understand why axlerowes may be upset, but isn't part of a truly great submission how acessable it is? If even a handfull of people feel they are left wanting something that doesn't make a submission bad, but it's certainly going to keep it from getting a 5.

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A solid list of basic grenades Go to Comment

Only voted Go to Comment

Some interesting ones here. A 30 is a distinct possibility here.


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Handy for those seeking a quick listing of common grenades.

Perhaps expanding to add a few of the more exotic types such as, liquid nitrogen, acid, implosion, homing, EMP, and smart grenades?

With a little extra time and effort you could probably turn this to a 30's style sub in no time. ;)

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A good start, but it's a name, a logo, and we know it's partially vertically integrated... but it doesn't tell us much. Let's ask the questions that can make it better. Not all of them need answered, but they're just ideas of how to flesh this out.

Like an NPC, a major corporation has a certain style, and for lack of a better word, personality. Is it forthright and ethical in its dealings, or will it cut corners and lie for a buck? Is it relatively green, greenwashed, or does it not care? It is an arms company - Who is reliant on it for arms? Does it sell primarily to armies? Does it sell on the grey market, to questionable persons? Is it forbidden from doing business anywhere?Does it have a massive skunkworks hidden somewhere, or does it mostly refine and perfect things that come out of a military lab? They have some sort of R&D somewhere, but how deeply can they keep it under wraps? How much corporate espionage does it partake in? Do they have any massive competitors? Do they tend to buy little companies for single technologies? Are they an important employer in some region? Are the workers rewarded and loyal, or disgruntled and ready for a buy-off? Do they often get protested? Is there a legion of fanatics that love the product that does hit the personal market?

Who is important on the board? Who actually calls the shots? How is it related to other corporations through the board? Have any of the major players hit scandal lately? Has this cost it anything? Does it have freely traded stock? Is it tracking the market, does it tend to do unusually well, or unusually poorly? Has it had any spikes or crashes lately? Go to Comment

I have to second what Siren said, as it is we have a visual and the grandiose claim that everything they make is expensive and teh best Go to Comment

Everything Siren said.

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A good stub, but needs some more fleshing out as Siren already said.

One area I am most curious about is the origins behind the company, how did it first come into being and what was the creator like? Does it have an over all legacy or reputation the current owner/s are trying to live up to?

Also, what are some of it's primary competitors like? Do they engage in industrial espionage to any extent? Are they above selling prototypes on the black market for "field testing" and to turn a fast profit?

Tossing this into the advice requested area and giving it an overhaul/expansion could turn it into a solid useful piece for any sci-fi setting.

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Hmm

Very general, I think this needs to be fleshed out.

Maybe put it "In Work" until then ?

Voted: 1.5/5 Go to Comment

The Good:
Some of the scenes are nicely painted and it is written with an energy that come through in the text.

Plus, this has the basic points of a classic story:

The story starts well enough with a damaged mage living in the ruins of his old school, surrounded by grief and filled with self doubt. He then makes a friend, and through this friendship he ventures out into the world. He begins living again, but he never truly deals with his grief or the loss of his old life. Our hero, Cortant, only moved away from physical trapping those emotions with his new friend. Then through a series of happenings he losses his new friend and this new grief become entangled with the old grief. However, this time Cortant learns that he has chance to save his friend. Cortant, can in a sense rewrite the events that have been haunting him for three years. By saving Orsk perhaps he sees it as a chance to undue the loss of his best friend (who wore three bracelets on his arm, but didn't have a name).

The Bad:

Summarizing this was like summarizing the plot to this story was like summarizing the plot to the phantom menace. It had to forgive a lot to find the plot. This story is marred by uneven descriptions, poorly defined character traits, irrational personalities, emotional arcs that nobody sane can relate with and terrible pacing. There are so many things wrong with this narrative that it would be exhausting to enumerate them all. I will chose a few examples,

The cute meet between the "resistance" and the heros is absurd. Orsk (a former dragon slayer, a fact that does not impress me with the dragons of lordor) steals fruit from a vendor, and then when a boy steals from him he chases the thief across town and engages a gang of thieves for no discern able reason. Is Orsk pursuing justice, or he is just angry. Cortant feels a bit of trepidation, but goes right into battle with Orsk. Cortant's magical talent appears to leave him as well and he takes on the roll of an archer and poor thief. The heros then have protracted escape from a cell, beat up a few more members of the resistance before being asked to lead the resistance's forces into battle by the leaders of the group of they attacked. Some things that could explain would be that Orsk is insane and obsessive. Orsk could also be a famous warrior, who happens to be insane, but the kind of insane you want leading a battle. Thus when the resistance, that has an important pick-pocketing arm to their efforts, learns they have the great Orsk in their custody they may decide to ask him to lead an attack. Maybe.

Second, the value of life seems to be really up in the air to these characters. They try to spare the thieves lives in the big underground fight but then slits the throats of the King's guards when they steal some boats.

I have read this several times since it was posted and decided I would finally post on it. I do hope you re-work it, there is a fun story here...somewhere. Go to Comment

I created this fast so i wasent too bothered about believability. You can vote any time but i will be rewriting this in November and directly after i will be re-posting the new one.

Hoped you liked it,

Nafar

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Also, this is just a story i made up, everything is simply based on nothing.

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and i decided to write a new story, vote at will!

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A question: you mention at the beginning that this is a work in progress, so do you want people to vote on it yet?  I've read the whole thing, and it's pretty obvious that this is a first draft, though I expected that from a NanoWrimo work.  I'm sure that you already know it needs a lot of work -- spelling, reformatting (especially within the speech bits) to be more easily read, etc.

Are your characters and plot sourced from a game that you GMed?  I ask because the plot revolving around Orsk and Cortant inspires disbelief at many places.  The rebel force captured them, held them for 4 days, then offered to let Orsk draw up their battle plans?  Improbable situations like that make sense during game time, but would leave a fantasy audience skeptical.

Let's see, what I liked . . . I appreciated some of the little details you added to make Orsk and Cortant seem more lifelike.  For instance, remembering that Orsk was wearing plate when he fell overboard, and seeing him desperately trying to get it off before it drowned him lent a touch of believability to that whole scene.  And giving the mule a name was also a nice touch.

I will withhold my vote for now.

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