Not a bad submission, perhaps needs a little work.
Someone had hinted at the idea of it being a teleportation device? Perhaps it might have been, for some race of advanced sun-god-worshipping people who were immune to the radiance of the tower. Or perhaps they had special equipment which immunized them. And maybe if the PCs found a way to get a hold of that equipment they could go somewhere REALLY cool. Of course...that's just the ramblings of a radical, senile old mage who lives in a tower miles away from the town...
Definently has potential!
I'm not sure what to feel about this submission. I like that it has several histories and several plots (one of which I like, but putting players in a save or die situation tends to make them unhappy and frustrated). I like the description and the setup alone would make for an interesting mage tower or other building. I just feel like there is something missing from it, like it's a bit too blank to be fully realized.
I also understand why axlerowes may be upset, but isn't part of a truly great submission how acessable it is? If even a handfull of people feel they are left wanting something that doesn't make a submission bad, but it's certainly going to keep it from getting a 5.
Handy for those seeking a quick listing of common grenades.
Perhaps expanding to add a few of the more exotic types such as, liquid nitrogen, acid, implosion, homing, EMP, and smart grenades?
With a little extra time and effort you could probably turn this to a 30's style sub in no time. ;)
A good stub, but needs some more fleshing out as Siren already said.
One area I am most curious about is the origins behind the company, how did it first come into being and what was the creator like? Does it have an over all legacy or reputation the current owner/s are trying to live up to?
Also, what are some of it's primary competitors like? Do they engage in industrial espionage to any extent? Are they above selling prototypes on the black market for "field testing" and to turn a fast profit?
Tossing this into the advice requested area and giving it an overhaul/expansion could turn it into a solid useful piece for any sci-fi setting.
I created this fast so i wasent too bothered about believability. You can vote any time but i will be rewriting this in November and directly after i will be re-posting the new one.
Hoped you liked it,
Nafar
A question: you mention at the beginning that this is a work in progress, so do you want people to vote on it yet? I've read the whole thing, and it's pretty obvious that this is a first draft, though I expected that from a NanoWrimo work. I'm sure that you already know it needs a lot of work -- spelling, reformatting (especially within the speech bits) to be more easily read, etc.
Are your characters and plot sourced from a game that you GMed? I ask because the plot revolving around Orsk and Cortant inspires disbelief at many places. The rebel force captured them, held them for 4 days, then offered to let Orsk draw up their battle plans? Improbable situations like that make sense during game time, but would leave a fantasy audience skeptical.
Let's see, what I liked . . . I appreciated some of the little details you added to make Orsk and Cortant seem more lifelike. For instance, remembering that Orsk was wearing plate when he fell overboard, and seeing him desperately trying to get it off before it drowned him lent a touch of believability to that whole scene. And giving the mule a name was also a nice touch.
I will withhold my vote for now.
I can recognize what is wrong with this write up and what needs to improved, but still I found something rather seductive about the energy the author used in describing the battle scene. I could see in my mind the image of the author typing away all the while keeping thread of the battle in his mind. As the fighting gets more pitching the thumps and clicks of the typing become more frequent and frantic. SWEAT BEGINS TO DROP ON TO THE KEYBOARD, THEN THE TYPHOON IS SURROUNDed, ITS UNPOWERED HAUL SPEEDING TOWARDS THE PLANET SURFACE. IT LOOKS LIKE ALL IS LOST. ENEMY SHIPS SURROUNDED THE CRIPPLED SHIP, WHICH NOW RESTS IN A MASSIVE CRATER. BUT NO! THE RAPID DESCENT WAS PART OF THE CAPTAIN'S PLAN, THE TYPHOON FIREs ALL 200 SHORT RANGE ROCKETS AT ONCE. . .
This has a very Japanaimie feel to it, in as much as it is a space ship that is indestructable, has legs and gets "lost" after a great battle. But Valadaar is right it needs a lot of work, but the spirit of fun is there, and we need more spaceship entries.
Locations (Fortification) (Any)
Very interesting. The thing that strikes me most about this is how clean it all is. Put someone in a little room, close the door, and wait for some harmless little moonlight. Afterwards, just get out the broom and clean up the innocuous pile of dust. A method of such brutality wrapped up in such a neat fashion says a lot about the type of tyrant who would use such a device and could inspire of number of linked adventures.
This puts me in mind of a combination guillotine (which was supposed to be a humane method of execution for its time) and some of the methods used to kill victims of the Holocaust.
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