Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Croc-a-Pult
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
Renlim's comment on 2011-02-24 05:19 PM


Silly or not, it is awesome!  I can just see the expressions of my PC's faces as I describe what would be happening.


Go to Comment
Croc-a-Pult
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
RHHale's comment on 2012-12-11 06:51 PM
Hilarious!!! Love it!!! Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
Strolen's comment on 2011-02-22 03:39 PM


It might be because it is late but I had to read the first two sentences a dozen times to get it straight. "take her place' told me that Sean was a girl and the other was taking her place. Then in the next sentence it said the girl in front of the master was 40, or is that Sean...ah, "his" I guess he is a dude, oh -'s that is a break in the sentence. There were a couple more leading sentences that were interrupted by commas making it hard to track. (It happened that...) I normally don't nickpick but I very much enjoyed the narrative but it didn't flow. There wasn't much to prove the intense hatred but I can assume more went on, don't need it all.



Would like to see a hint of the demon in the passage though. At least an inkling of hatred not fully his own perhaps to give some foreshadowing to the unnaturalness of it all. That would make the intense anger more justified.



Sorry, didn't mean to dwell. I will hold the vote and give it another read.


Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
Strolen's comment on 2011-02-22 11:46 PM


That made a huge difference! It all falls together very nicely and the narrative compliments and enhanced the nature of the demons to make them more useable. Great addition of a few hooks as well. PCs often make plenty of enemies so could see this coming into play. Solid sub!


Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
Pieh's comment on 2011-02-22 08:08 PM


I liked this one. It provides a very nice rough sketch of what I need to use the creature. The narrative was capturing, though a little disjointed, as noted, and really gave me just enough detail for my mind to wander around and fill in a picture. I think this is a very good submission, because each reader will walk away from it with a slightly different impression of the events leading up to, and concluding, the feeding process



Again, good work.


Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-02-23 03:32 AM


It does not feel like revenge - after all, the girl did nothing to actually wrong Sean the Failure.



Also, this kind of petty envious hatred is so common that likewise the Skrelleth demons would inadvertently be an everyday problem.



Also, the >curse< thing is unfitting for such petty critters - I see them rather physically switching bottles, spilling poison ivy extracts into a bath, or carrying a diseased cloth to their victim.


Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
Cheka Man's comment on 2011-02-22 08:38 PM


Use them at your peril.


Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
Drackler's comment on 2011-02-25 08:18 PM


 It's good, it's usable, and I liked the narrative introduction. I especially liked the image of the demons warming themselves on Sean's hatred.


Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2011-02-22 03:45 PM
Ah, I see what you mean. I'll take another whack at it this evening. Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2011-02-22 11:10 PM
Update: I cleaned up the overall narrative. Hopefully it is clearer and less disjointed. I also deepened the motivations, included the demons in the main text, and added a couple of plot hooks. Go to Comment
Skrelleth Demons
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2011-02-23 07:37 PM
Of course, in reality, Sean was not actually wronged. My intent was to make him appear petty and miserable rather than someone to identify with. He would fully believe that he was the victim of a cruel injustice and that what happened to Kylara was in fact revenge.

I don't think that most individuals would be susceptible to the dreams and whispers of the Skrelleth because most people are able to get over themselves. But there are those who will go to no end of effort to blame other people for their own shortcomings and those are the people that inspired me to write this.

I can certainly see a variation of the Skrelleth making their mischief on a physical level, as you suggest. I had envisioned them being unable to directly touch things on the physical plane, which is why I went with a curse. Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Pieh's comment on 2011-02-07 04:53 PM


Very nice. I think it is well fleshed out and even makes sense, I can't wait to hear more about this campaign. Also: Great imagery, as Muro said, and as Dossta said, it was a bit surprising. Not what I expected, but certainly enjoyable.


Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2011-02-10 06:40 AM


Wow, this rocks, glad I stumbled upon it. 


Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Murometz's comment on 2011-01-24 07:38 PM


Well-written with some evocative imagery!  (Like this: blood in decanters and hearts on platters. And this: His followers surrounded their gore-encrusted leader, pouring out their love with tear-streaked faces



Well developed villain. I'd agree with Dossta on the weakness part. He needs some sort of "soft spot" or maybe he fears something greatly, but as is, he's already memorable.



I keep picturing *him* as being effeminate, or androgynous  or a hermaphrodite or something. Not sure why, perhaps the "intense" beauty and his physical characteristics and all that.



Thumb up!



Looking forward to seeing more from your upcoming campaign!



 



 



 

Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Kassy's comment on 2012-07-20 09:18 AM
Happy to have been given the link to this, thank you Mystic.

4.0/5 Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Forganthus's comment on 2012-05-22 04:00 AM
Wow. This is pretty metal. Great flavoring, and well written. Just the same, I feel like I've seen the charismatic-death-cult-leader before. The hair is a unique touch, though, and one of my favorite things about this.

I'd like to see him more humanized. Favorite non-death-god books? Friends? Childhood? Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Dossta's comment on 2010-12-30 11:15 PM


I must say that you surprised me with this, Mystic.  As I was reading the description of Chiros' appearance and personality, I was preparing myself for another stereotypical lich -- a vast, hidden power who acts through proxies.  Instead, we have a vastly successful con-man masquerading as a holy figure.  Love the parallels to Chrisitanity.



He is a little uber, imo, so adding a few weaknesses (even just flaws in his personality that could be exploited) would help.  Introducing some plot hooks or other important NPCs who are close to him would also increase the value of this post.  But overall, there is very little for me to criticize here, and much to praise.  Well done!


Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2010-12-29 09:36 PM


Inspired by a combination of Arch Enemy's Ravenous (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcNkmgnQHWM) and Savage Messiah (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLmVd-ssQ08) while reading Dean Koontz' Shadowfires.


Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2010-12-30 11:54 PM
Thanks. I really appreciate the feedback.

I see what you're saying about the lack of weaknesses. I'll go back and make some changes after I mull it over. This is the first in a series of subs I'll be working on for the campaign I'm developing (the first I've run in a number of years). Future subs will include some plots, locations, other NPCs, etc. Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2011-01-01 12:42 AM
Update: Rounded out Chiros' character a little and added some plot hooks. Go to Comment
Total Comments:
395

Join Now!!




Fatal error: Call to undefined function top_menu() in /home/strolen/public_html/lockmor/application/views/citadel/vfooter.php on line 2