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Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Pieh's comment on 2011-02-07 04:53 PM


Very nice. I think it is well fleshed out and even makes sense, I can't wait to hear more about this campaign. Also: Great imagery, as Muro said, and as Dossta said, it was a bit surprising. Not what I expected, but certainly enjoyable.


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Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2011-02-10 06:40 AM


Wow, this rocks, glad I stumbled upon it. 


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Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Murometz's comment on 2011-01-24 07:38 PM


Well-written with some evocative imagery!  (Like this: blood in decanters and hearts on platters. And this: His followers surrounded their gore-encrusted leader, pouring out their love with tear-streaked faces



Well developed villain. I'd agree with Dossta on the weakness part. He needs some sort of "soft spot" or maybe he fears something greatly, but as is, he's already memorable.



I keep picturing *him* as being effeminate, or androgynous  or a hermaphrodite or something. Not sure why, perhaps the "intense" beauty and his physical characteristics and all that.



Thumb up!



Looking forward to seeing more from your upcoming campaign!



 



 



 

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Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Kassy's comment on 2012-07-20 09:18 AM
Happy to have been given the link to this, thank you Mystic.

4.0/5 Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Forganthus's comment on 2012-05-22 04:00 AM
Wow. This is pretty metal. Great flavoring, and well written. Just the same, I feel like I've seen the charismatic-death-cult-leader before. The hair is a unique touch, though, and one of my favorite things about this.

I'd like to see him more humanized. Favorite non-death-god books? Friends? Childhood? Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Dossta's comment on 2010-12-30 11:15 PM


I must say that you surprised me with this, Mystic.  As I was reading the description of Chiros' appearance and personality, I was preparing myself for another stereotypical lich -- a vast, hidden power who acts through proxies.  Instead, we have a vastly successful con-man masquerading as a holy figure.  Love the parallels to Chrisitanity.



He is a little uber, imo, so adding a few weaknesses (even just flaws in his personality that could be exploited) would help.  Introducing some plot hooks or other important NPCs who are close to him would also increase the value of this post.  But overall, there is very little for me to criticize here, and much to praise.  Well done!


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Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2010-12-29 09:36 PM


Inspired by a combination of Arch Enemy's Ravenous (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcNkmgnQHWM) and Savage Messiah (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLmVd-ssQ08) while reading Dean Koontz' Shadowfires.


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Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2010-12-30 11:54 PM
Thanks. I really appreciate the feedback.

I see what you're saying about the lack of weaknesses. I'll go back and make some changes after I mull it over. This is the first in a series of subs I'll be working on for the campaign I'm developing (the first I've run in a number of years). Future subs will include some plots, locations, other NPCs, etc. Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2011-01-01 12:42 AM
Update: Rounded out Chiros' character a little and added some plot hooks. Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2011-01-27 09:23 AM
Thanks. I look forward to writing more.

Yes, he is intended to be androgynous (but not hermaphroditic). I'm glad that came through. I was going for a dual nature, combining masculine and feminine qualities (not necessarily the best of examples of either) to create someone who is strong, power hungry, and aggressive, but also charismatic, intelligent, and capable of subtlety. I suppose that does make him kind of uber. One of the effects I was going for on the rewrite was to show that it is his weaknesses that have driven him to become so strong. He has an intense fear of true death and he hungers for fame and power. These things have motivated him to become as invincible as he possibly can. Of course, he is dependent upon the assistance of gods both old and dark, with no guarantee of their loyalty. Without them, he would lose some of his power. Eventually, being so driven and living with the possibility of losing everything will cause him to go mad. The question is, will the world last that long? Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2011-03-26 06:11 PM
Update: Added the necromancer freetext. Go to Comment
Chiros: Savage Messiah
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-07-20 09:23 AM
He's going to be the Big Bad in at least part of my developing campaign with the pocket realms, so I don't want him too humanized :p

I know this sub is a bit old, but I really do have more planned around it, Mathom be praised. Go to Comment
The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
Strolen's comment on 2010-12-23 12:58 PM


I actually enjoyed the path of the flute from person to person. I kept waiting for that to come in play though as mentioned and was disappointed when I didn't see it. They are correct that it doesn't add much to the sub...unless.



Perhaps the flute takes a piece of each person that it touches along its path. Each expert that can harness the flute imbues it with a little part of him/herself. As the flute passes from hand to hand it actually slowly accumulates more power and more music. Flutist may fall into the sound and stat playing pieces that past owners favored...etc etc.



I do love these kind of items and anything that gets the ideas flowing is always great. 


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The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-12-20 11:35 PM


Very nice. I have always enjoyed ideas revolving around the gifts of fey creatures and this one is very atmospheric, well detailed, and fun. My favorite part is the paragraph about the hands it has passed through. Great first submission, a very nice take on a traditional Bard's instrument.


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The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2010-12-21 08:30 AM


A nice magical instrument.


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The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
Murometz's comment on 2010-12-22 10:51 PM


Very nice. Instant Bard instrument with lore (and a downside).  There is a scroll somewhere we can attach this too, but it escapes at the moment which one it may be.



 



Let me throw out the ubiquitous, Welcome Aboard!!


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The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
Murometz's comment on 2010-12-22 10:51 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2011-01-25 02:44 PM


Well done, and a belated welcome aboard!


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The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
Moonlake's comment on 2010-12-20 10:52 PM


A solid first submission. I quite like the descriptions in the second paragraph. Personally, I would insert some bold headings to separate out different sections but as it is, it's still quite easy to read and I didn't take any points off.


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The Lost Flute of Jasloff
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
Dossta's comment on 2010-12-22 02:12 PM


A fine first submission, Mystic.  I especially like the drawbacks to using the flute poorly -- fae can be dangerous when angered, but I bet that you could still talk your way out of serious trouble.  This is also a nice reminder that an item need not be ornate or auspicious to be magical.



A few thoughts:



The paragraph you spent on how the item passed from hand to hand makes for an interesting read, but adds little to the overall piece.  After hearing how the flute parted company with its creator, all we really need to know is that it changed hands many times before being lost in a forest.  This is a minor nitpick; you wouldn't need to cut it out unless you were planning on greatly expanding this piece.  At that point, it would become an unnecessary extra.



This would be fun to combine with axlerowe's Magical Songs.



Overall, I like this item enough that I may have to use this in an upcoming submission as a quest reward.

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