It might be because it is late but I had to read the first two sentences a dozen times to get it straight. "take her place' told me that Sean was a girl and the other was taking her place. Then in the next sentence it said the girl in front of the master was 40, or is that Sean...ah, "his" I guess he is a dude, oh -'s that is a break in the sentence. There were a couple more leading sentences that were interrupted by commas making it hard to track. (It happened that...) I normally don't nickpick but I very much enjoyed the narrative but it didn't flow. There wasn't much to prove the intense hatred but I can assume more went on, don't need it all.
Would like to see a hint of the demon in the passage though. At least an inkling of hatred not fully his own perhaps to give some foreshadowing to the unnaturalness of it all. That would make the intense anger more justified.
Sorry, didn't mean to dwell. I will hold the vote and give it another read.
That made a huge difference! It all falls together very nicely and the narrative compliments and enhanced the nature of the demons to make them more useable. Great addition of a few hooks as well. PCs often make plenty of enemies so could see this coming into play. Solid sub!
I liked this one. It provides a very nice rough sketch of what I need to use the creature. The narrative was capturing, though a little disjointed, as noted, and really gave me just enough detail for my mind to wander around and fill in a picture. I think this is a very good submission, because each reader will walk away from it with a slightly different impression of the events leading up to, and concluding, the feeding process
Again, good work.
It does not feel like revenge - after all, the girl did nothing to actually wrong Sean the Failure.
Also, this kind of petty envious hatred is so common that likewise the Skrelleth demons would inadvertently be an everyday problem.
Also, the >curse< thing is unfitting for such petty critters - I see them rather physically switching bottles, spilling poison ivy extracts into a bath, or carrying a diseased cloth to their victim.
Well-written with some evocative imagery! (Like this: blood in decanters and hearts on platters. And this: His followers surrounded their gore-encrusted leader, pouring out their love with tear-streaked faces)
Well developed villain. I'd agree with Dossta on the weakness part. He needs some sort of "soft spot" or maybe he fears something greatly, but as is, he's already memorable.
I keep picturing *him* as being effeminate, or androgynous or a hermaphrodite or something. Not sure why, perhaps the "intense" beauty and his physical characteristics and all that.
Looking forward to seeing more from your upcoming campaign!
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I must say that you surprised me with this, Mystic. As I was reading the description of Chiros' appearance and personality, I was preparing myself for another stereotypical lich -- a vast, hidden power who acts through proxies. Instead, we have a vastly successful con-man masquerading as a holy figure. Love the parallels to Chrisitanity.
He is a little uber, imo, so adding a few weaknesses (even just flaws in his personality that could be exploited) would help. Introducing some plot hooks or other important NPCs who are close to him would also increase the value of this post. But overall, there is very little for me to criticize here, and much to praise. Well done!