I liked this one. It provides a very nice rough sketch of what I need to use the creature. The narrative was capturing, though a little disjointed, as noted, and really gave me just enough detail for my mind to wander around and fill in a picture. I think this is a very good submission, because each reader will walk away from it with a slightly different impression of the events leading up to, and concluding, the feeding process
Again, good work.
It does not feel like revenge - after all, the girl did nothing to actually wrong Sean the Failure.
Also, this kind of petty envious hatred is so common that likewise the Skrelleth demons would inadvertently be an everyday problem.
Also, the >curse< thing is unfitting for such petty critters - I see them rather physically switching bottles, spilling poison ivy extracts into a bath, or carrying a diseased cloth to their victim.
Well-written with some evocative imagery! (Like this: blood in decanters and hearts on platters. And this: His followers surrounded their gore-encrusted leader, pouring out their love with tear-streaked faces)
Well developed villain. I'd agree with Dossta on the weakness part. He needs some sort of "soft spot" or maybe he fears something greatly, but as is, he's already memorable.
I keep picturing *him* as being effeminate, or androgynous or a hermaphrodite or something. Not sure why, perhaps the "intense" beauty and his physical characteristics and all that.
Looking forward to seeing more from your upcoming campaign!
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I must say that you surprised me with this, Mystic. As I was reading the description of Chiros' appearance and personality, I was preparing myself for another stereotypical lich -- a vast, hidden power who acts through proxies. Instead, we have a vastly successful con-man masquerading as a holy figure. Love the parallels to Chrisitanity.
He is a little uber, imo, so adding a few weaknesses (even just flaws in his personality that could be exploited) would help. Introducing some plot hooks or other important NPCs who are close to him would also increase the value of this post. But overall, there is very little for me to criticize here, and much to praise. Well done!
I actually enjoyed the path of the flute from person to person. I kept waiting for that to come in play though as mentioned and was disappointed when I didn't see it. They are correct that it doesn't add much to the sub...unless.
Perhaps the flute takes a piece of each person that it touches along its path. Each expert that can harness the flute imbues it with a little part of him/herself. As the flute passes from hand to hand it actually slowly accumulates more power and more music. Flutist may fall into the sound and stat playing pieces that past owners favored...etc etc.
I do love these kind of items and anything that gets the ideas flowing is always great.