Its a small critique, but I was reading the Moravar entry and you make two references to foxes in subsequent sentences.
"...His eyes are dark, his features narrow and fox-like. He is as silent as the hare and as cunning as the fox."
I like the image you are trying to paint, but this made me stop for a second and kind of muddied the water for me. Maybe try using other animals to compare him to?
For what it is worth, I don't think of a fox as a hunter but more of something that is hunted. You might get the same imagery by comparing his features to a wolf or even an ocelot/leopard.
I almost love this. It reminds me of that old Attack of the Giant Leeches horror movie, a true classic, and that helps make the idea of giant man-eating leeches appear readily in my mind. I want more though. This is a great write-up, but it feels like it lacks the scope of an entire planet rules by the Leech Lords. What of thier living arrangements? Is the planet's physical appearance similar to Dagobah's? ...And similar questions should be answered. As a final thought, what I reaaaally want, is some fluff on the subject. Maybe some Leechish philosophical musings? Or an example conversation between Hume and Human? More plot hooks would be lovely as well.
It's very nice as is, the idea itself is great and useable, but I feel like it lacks the "artistic flair to set it apart."
A fun addition to the "lifeforms" area of the citadel, and over all it gives enough info to be readly useable within a few moments of reading.
I second Pieh's ideas on how to further enhance the piece, and would also enjoy a bit more about ther culture and if they ever went to war against each other or arose as a unified consciousness. (What weapons psychic leeches would come up with could prove impressive.)
(On a small side note, leeches are generally hermaphrodites, it would have been interesting to see this concept used in the sub, but the way it is done works just as well.)
It is quite servicable and well written, but I feel it could be something better. I don't want to be too critical, but I feel no uniqueness since its entirety is "What if humans were leeches?" It is a typically structured patriarchal society, but why? How did they develop brains and psychic powers instead of more developed tentacles? Why do they value philosophy so much, does it expland their psychic powers? Why were they not overtaken by the humes eons ago since they are showing capacity for rapid intellectual growth? What I think this post is missing is how and why a world run by leeches is different from the one run by humans.
I am shocked: this is really heads and shoulders better than most of the RPG stuff I have ever read. The item is what it is and so what, as Lagantha might say, but the prose just flows so easily and your tone is so conversational that it draws us in. A good read.
I would like to link this to the fantasy fabrics codex if you don't mind.