Ah, I see what you mean. I'll take another whack at it this evening. Go to Comment

Update: I cleaned up the overall narrative. Hopefully it is clearer and less disjointed. I also deepened the motivations, included the demons in the main text, and added a couple of plot hooks. Go to Comment

Of course, in reality, Sean was not actually wronged. My intent was to make him appear petty and miserable rather than someone to identify with. He would fully believe that he was the victim of a cruel injustice and that what happened to Kylara was in fact revenge.

I don't think that most individuals would be susceptible to the dreams and whispers of the Skrelleth because most people are able to get over themselves. But there are those who will go to no end of effort to blame other people for their own shortcomings and those are the people that inspired me to write this.

I can certainly see a variation of the Skrelleth making their mischief on a physical level, as you suggest. I had envisioned them being unable to directly touch things on the physical plane, which is why I went with a curse. Go to Comment

Very nice. I think it is well fleshed out and even makes sense, I can't wait to hear more about this campaign. Also: Great imagery, as Muro said, and as Dossta said, it was a bit surprising. Not what I expected, but certainly enjoyable.

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Wow, this rocks, glad I stumbled upon it. 

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Well-written with some evocative imagery!  (Like this: blood in decanters and hearts on platters. And this: His followers surrounded their gore-encrusted leader, pouring out their love with tear-streaked faces) 

Well developed villain. I'd agree with Dossta on the weakness part. He needs some sort of "soft spot" or maybe he fears something greatly, but as is, he's already memorable.

I keep picturing *him* as being effeminate, or androgynous  or a hermaphrodite or something. Not sure why, perhaps the "intense" beauty and his physical characteristics and all that.

Thumb up!

Looking forward to seeing more from your upcoming campaign!

 

 

 

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Happy to have been given the link to this, thank you Mystic.

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Wow. This is pretty metal. Great flavoring, and well written. Just the same, I feel like I've seen the charismatic-death-cult-leader before. The hair is a unique touch, though, and one of my favorite things about this.

I'd like to see him more humanized. Favorite non-death-god books? Friends? Childhood? Go to Comment

I must say that you surprised me with this, Mystic.  As I was reading the description of Chiros' appearance and personality, I was preparing myself for another stereotypical lich -- a vast, hidden power who acts through proxies.  Instead, we have a vastly successful con-man masquerading as a holy figure.  Love the parallels to Chrisitanity.

He is a little uber, imo, so adding a few weaknesses (even just flaws in his personality that could be exploited) would help.  Introducing some plot hooks or other important NPCs who are close to him would also increase the value of this post.  But overall, there is very little for me to criticize here, and much to praise.  Well done!

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Inspired by a combination of Arch Enemy's Ravenous (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcNkmgnQHWM) and Savage Messiah (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLmVd-ssQ08) while reading Dean Koontz' Shadowfires.

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Thanks. I really appreciate the feedback.

I see what you're saying about the lack of weaknesses. I'll go back and make some changes after I mull it over. This is the first in a series of subs I'll be working on for the campaign I'm developing (the first I've run in a number of years). Future subs will include some plots, locations, other NPCs, etc. Go to Comment

Update: Rounded out Chiros' character a little and added some plot hooks. Go to Comment

Thanks. I look forward to writing more.

Yes, he is intended to be androgynous (but not hermaphroditic). I'm glad that came through. I was going for a dual nature, combining masculine and feminine qualities (not necessarily the best of examples of either) to create someone who is strong, power hungry, and aggressive, but also charismatic, intelligent, and capable of subtlety. I suppose that does make him kind of uber. One of the effects I was going for on the rewrite was to show that it is his weaknesses that have driven him to become so strong. He has an intense fear of true death and he hungers for fame and power. These things have motivated him to become as invincible as he possibly can. Of course, he is dependent upon the assistance of gods both old and dark, with no guarantee of their loyalty. Without them, he would lose some of his power. Eventually, being so driven and living with the possibility of losing everything will cause him to go mad. The question is, will the world last that long? Go to Comment

Update: Added the necromancer freetext. Go to Comment

He's going to be the Big Bad in at least part of my developing campaign with the pocket realms, so I don't want him too humanized :p

I know this sub is a bit old, but I really do have more planned around it, Mathom be praised. Go to Comment

I actually enjoyed the path of the flute from person to person. I kept waiting for that to come in play though as mentioned and was disappointed when I didn't see it. They are correct that it doesn't add much to the sub...unless.

Perhaps the flute takes a piece of each person that it touches along its path. Each expert that can harness the flute imbues it with a little part of him/herself. As the flute passes from hand to hand it actually slowly accumulates more power and more music. Flutist may fall into the sound and stat playing pieces that past owners favored...etc etc.

I do love these kind of items and anything that gets the ideas flowing is always great. 

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Very nice. I have always enjoyed ideas revolving around the gifts of fey creatures and this one is very atmospheric, well detailed, and fun. My favorite part is the paragraph about the hands it has passed through. Great first submission, a very nice take on a traditional Bard's instrument.

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A nice magical instrument.

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Very nice. Instant Bard instrument with lore (and a downside).  There is a scroll somewhere we can attach this too, but it escapes at the moment which one it may be.

 

Let me throw out the ubiquitous, Welcome Aboard!!

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Only voted Go to Comment