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Winter's Gem
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valadaar's comment on 2013-09-19 02:42 PM


Very, very good! Love the tale and the idea of a perpetual storm.



This appears like it would be compatible with the Shards of the Storm set of items, from the ancient days of Strolens.



Shards of the Storm

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Winter's Gem
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MysticMoon's comment on 2013-09-15 05:27 PM

An interesting question. Most likely it would require the gem to consciously create bad weather inside of a cave, but in all likelihood it would be a safe haven from the weather. There may be ice golems or other nasties patrolling such an area, however.

As far as being used by PCs: Being intelligent, the gem would only be useful to a party if it wished to be. Its powers are entirely under its own control so it would be useful only under circumstances it agreed with. In fact, it could make life very difficult for a party it did not wish to be a part of. As such, it is far more likely to be useful to a GM as a particular plot device, as you say.

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Winter's Gem
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MysticMoon's comment on 2013-09-15 08:09 PM

I like the idea of the mysterious storm; it fits in with how I envisioned it.

This sub is kind of a departure from the last few I've done. I'll admit I was more into the narrative than considering how it could be used in a game. For a storytelling fix it was an interesting exploration :)

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Winter's Gem
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MysticMoon's comment on 2014-10-22 04:39 PM

While I enjoy being lighthearted and joke a lot in chat, I do tend to go to very dark places when I write. Sort of cathartic, I suppose, but you're not the first to say that it goes a bit far. (And you may want to avoid my journey into hell piece)

I'll explain some of my thought processes and how those map to what I was probably trying to express (though I usually have to guess after the fact; I never quite understand my creative side):

The gem took the brightness of her mind for granted at first, which is why it never called her to it before. It only called to her once her light became darkness, in order to regain the bright soul it had lost. I have felt that frustration, seeing bright people grow into broken adults because of traumas they survived, and I have wished for the power to banish that darkness. I've also realized that most people can only find salvation after they've broken free on their own to a certain degree. (And talk about a horrific challenge...)

I would say that it is possible to have a functional relationship, though even with the best of help, some scars will always show through. Of course, I skipped over 2 years worth of Karina gaining back her own power and having her mind magically healed to a degree by the gem. Still, if I was to go more in depth, I probably would need to show some jagged pieces of her past that poked through into her fairy-tale marriage.

Looking more closely at this, I can see some strong parallels with some real life events experienced by people I've known (though it's a bit of a mish-mash and more metaphor than literal). Not going into details, but it's bizarre how the mind transforms the mundane into the fictional.

You are probably correct that it becomes a trope at some point, and shouldn't be overdone. This was one of those subs that I pretty much barfed out in one sitting without having any real clue what was going to come out. I just knew I was feeling the urge to express something and I couldn't find any better medium. I wouldn't have consciously chosen this topic, as I've seen it done to death myself. But, when the muse stamps her impatient little feet, I come running ;)

In any case, I appreciate the thoughtful feedback

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Winter's Gem
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PoisonAlchemist's comment on 2014-10-22 03:43 PM
I very much like this.

My one note is that I feel it is unnecessarily dark. The gem could have desired her company and drawn her to it without terrible things happening to the girl. How could someone who in their formative years experiences that trauma grow to have a functional healthy relationship with a nobleman?

I've just read a couple subs where women are violated and its a bit fatiguing and starts to feel trope-like. I've used it too, but here it just stuck out to me as unnecessary. Go to Comment
Winter's Gem
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caesar193's comment on 2014-02-10 12:44 PM
The narrative is excellent. I can only, sadly, echo those before me, except for this: why didn't I vote on this before? Go to Comment
Winter's Gem
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Gossamer's comment on 2013-09-19 05:36 AM
Wow, the sun was a real abusive arsehole. I like how the origin story could be related to a natural phenomenon, like uh I dunno, if the weather was so bad they couldn't see the moon or maybe if a cloud of dust covered the sky after a meteor strike or something, in reality it may or may not have been a full year, but in narrative form it sounds more dramatic.

It read very smoothly, with lots of nice details, I highly enjoyed reading this. Nothing seems to be missing, though I would advise you to put in a break or two before the first quote, since the ToC compresses it. Your ego can rest easy on this one, full score from me. :) Go to Comment
Winter's Gem
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Eric the Grey's comment on 2013-10-12 11:28 AM
I loved the narrative you've put behind this gem. I hope to see stories for the rest.

As to use in game, I can see some extremely difficult times acquiring the gem and putting an end to the storm. Go to Comment
Winter's Gem
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Longspeak's comment on 2013-09-16 12:03 PM
Nearly perfect. Well-written, I love the tone; and the tale, and I can easily this in one of my Everway games. Quite soon. Go to Comment
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Shadoweagle's comment on 2013-09-10 12:09 AM
So cool, Moon. You've re-created a post-apocalyptic world under the sea; have you played Bioshock? It seems to have influences of it in here.

I'm sure each settlement will become more and more unique as time goes on, with their own lifestyles and superstitions - the ones without rail access will probably become especially eccentric with less access to other folk. This way, new religions and cults and societies can be forged out of the settlements; if the pcs have to visit a settlement that has been isolated for decades they may find themselves attacked as heretics!

You've flipped the world upside down with this: as the sea becomes more well known and mapped, it is the land which becomes like the ocean, unexplored and mysterious! Go to Comment
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Scrasamax's comment on 2013-09-10 12:30 PM
Interesting, the parallels to nuclear power and petroleum are well grounded and the writing and formatting are crisp. There are a few typos but nothing too distracting.

Well thought out. Go to Comment
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Cheka Man's comment on 2013-10-06 11:28 AM
A water-world. Go to Comment
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Murometz's comment on 2013-09-12 10:48 AM
Reads like a fantasy-world's version (polemic) of the discovery of atomic power, as Scras mentions. That part of it for me, seems to be laid on a little thick, BUT, i LOVE the brave new underwater world you've created here! Some very original ideas and images. Go to Comment
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-12 09:57 AM


This is really great, I kept asking questions about the history, the war and technology as I went and kept getting answers. This really well done (I have never played Bioshock) and has a lot of great ideas in it. This could be used as an Alien world, an alternate reality or just adapted for society in which everyone is told the surface is poisoned by the oppressive oligarchy. Yet this deserves more.



1) Visuals I would wager most readers picture a somewhat Victorian or Edwardian aesthetic in the place. However, that is never discussed. We don't get a clear visual of the people in this place and I loathe to use preconceived notions in such a fantastical setting. I would also wager that at least 25% (by word count not by topic) of all steam punk fiction is dedicated to fashion, so that seems missing from this, and it could be a fun addition.



2) Culture We also get an incomplete picture of the culture and day to day life. There are a lot of strong hints at an oligarchy of rich hereditary industrialists and an oppressed and tormented but educated underclass subjected to strict social planning. I think a government and economics section could be interesting and expansive. But perhaps you don't want to state the social economic relationship specifically, and that is fine, and I get it. But some more hints would give us a better feel for this place. What kind of people do these dome dwellers chose to celebrate? What sort of media (as extrapolation of the stage play musicals) do they consume? Are there population control issues? Do they smoke? I feel like this piece and this world would be better benefited by a direct discussion of these items or few more hints and details. (I like the hints at culture myself)



ABWB

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valadaar's comment on 2013-09-16 10:25 AM
It shares some themes with Bioshock (I and II, concerning the undersea city Rapture), but the circumstances are very different.

I think this is a good start, it lays out the groundwork for additional work.

I found the descriptions of the vehicles rather mundane and not really fitting in with the grander scale of the rest of the submission. I'd have sooner seen more details about the people since the root technology and location was covered. Go to Comment
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Silveressa's comment on 2014-03-01 08:34 PM
It took me a while to read through hence the late commentary, but this definitely reminds me of the Bioshock series, (with a hint of Blue Planet) which only adds to the feeling of familiarity yet with it's own unique changes.

This is one of those settings that gab me and make me want to run a campaign and explore the concepts more thoroughly.

With it being set underwater it also makes this easy enough to plug into most other steampunk settings as a "hidden world" no one on the surface was even aware existed.

With a little work it can be adapted to sci-fi or post apocalypse settings easily enough as well.

5/5 and a HoH, really loved reading this one! Go to Comment
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Kassy's comment on 2014-06-14 05:51 AM


Woo! This is amazing stuff Mystic!



4.5/5 + Gold + Fav'd

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MysticMoon's comment on 2013-09-10 05:54 AM

I have not played Bioshock, but I'm thinking that I have to now that I know what it is :)

I like those ideas; they certainly fit into the tone I was going for.

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MysticMoon's comment on 2013-09-10 02:25 PM

I debated about including information on the weaponization of Kalleum but I decided to leave it vague. It's something lost to their past and something they wish to put far behind them.

Basically, they found a way of launching it from a type of cannon and then having it explode over the enemy into a fine powder, along with some other compounds. It would ignite anything with fair amounts of water, such as animals and plants. After burning through the bodies it would disburse and drift into the air again (which was not intended.)

The problem was that it disbursed too well. In small amounts it would enter through any accessible membrane or opening and burn up whatever it touched. In these minute amounts it would still leave much of the corpse intact before finding its way out into the air again, acting more as a catalyst than something that would burn out.

It's possible that after another few hundred years it will eventually end up in an inert state.

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MysticMoon's comment on 2013-10-04 11:29 PM
Update: Made a number of corrections and tweaks. Also expanded it a bit. Go to Comment
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