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Chimera Prototype Mk-XXIII
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-08-01 07:47 PM
Being as large as it is, the claws would be quite effective weapons on their own. It can also use its tentacles to help hold onto prey while its massive jaws render flesh or its special fangs inject a painful and paralyzing poison. Go to Comment
Chimera Prototype Mk-XXIII
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-08-06 06:50 PM
I love those ideas! Go to Comment
Chimera Prototype Mk-XXIII
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
OmegaDraco's comment on 2012-08-06 02:45 PM
The beast would have a massive source of food: humans. As grizzly as it sounds, huddled masses of the poor would probably be the first targets. An average human or three is probably a decent meal for a chimera. As for housing, the snake DNA would suggest burrowing a tunnel to sleep in (or possibly sleeping in water). The other genetic instincts would probably concur with tunnels. If allowed to live on instinct alone, the chimera would likely live in caves or tunnels (sewers perhaps), be fiercely territorial, and form large nests that could house dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of chimera as the local food source (population) allowed. Go to Comment
Chimera Prototype Mk-XXIII
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
OmegaDraco's comment on 2012-08-06 02:56 PM
I love the rampant exponential growth. The chimera has lots of potential. I mentioned most of my thoughts in my reply above. In my humble opinion, the chimera might be better suited to be setting-independent. The futuristic "rich vs. poor" and "dying planet" settings seem like they could be completely independent of the chimera. But that said, breeding a hideous monster to protect rich people is pretty sweet.

Lastly, I would give armor plating to the brood mother (the original chimera) and maybe some other cybernetic enhancements. This would make her nearly unstoppable while her offspring are still able to be killed. In my mind, rich people with big labs breeding big monsters would have big fail-safes in place. Armor plating, mounted lasers, muscle augmentations, "adamantium" claws, or any face-palm worthy B-movie monster ridiculousness would make the compound-destroying rampage more believable. In addition, it would make for an epic boss fight. Go to Comment
Chimera Prototype Mk-XXIII
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2012-07-30 02:10 PM
I like it, though i do have one problem with the history of the Chimera. Animals require lots of resources (food, shelter, etc) to keep. And, with resources running out, people simply wouldn't be able to keep animals. And no one would even consider breeding a such a big beast as the Chimera Prototype MK-XXIII. Such a beast, even before it went on an unforeseeable rampage, would require lots of resources, especially if its constantly spawning more creatures, that, in turn, require resources. A creature like that would need a huge,+30 foot high living area, which would require either metal (which they wouldn't have in a resource-less world) or wood (which they also wouldn't have).
I like the idea, which is why i'm giving it a 4/5 Go to Comment
Apocalyptic Vampires
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (City/ Ruin)
Murometz's comment on 2014-01-18 10:07 PM
What madness this? :P Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Scrasamax's comment on 2012-06-25 08:14 AM
A very good piece of work, if I was to offer some advice to improve it I would add a few interesting NPC locals, and just because this is how I roll, something really hideous and unexpected from the locals, like using criminals as bait for ghoul hunters, or some local superstitions about how to repel ghouls, or how to avoid them. Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Cheka Man's comment on 2012-06-25 04:02 PM
Do those injured by ghouls become ghouls or is it just supersition that makes those wounded by ghouls be hanged? Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Mourngrymn's comment on 2012-06-25 09:49 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
valadaar's comment on 2012-06-26 02:51 PM
I think it an interesting realm, but it feels very artificial.

To me the behaviour of the humans seems odd. Given this type of threat, I would expect quick consolidation into heavily fortified camps, with constantly posted guards. They may have started out idyllic, but the humans I know would rail against this quickly. Ghouls would not be entering people's houses in the middle of the night unless they already cut through defences. Those outside fortified walls would be being plain silly, or kept out by those with walls - not once the nature of the threat became clear.

Why would they not burn every corpse? I would expect this would prevent ghoul reproduction pretty quickly.

Its cool, but the population's reaction to its situation seems off to me.



Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
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valadaar's comment on 2012-06-26 08:16 PM

Np - i personally hate those types of people. I can't my head around some of those beliefs and such defeatists bring my blood to a boil. :)


 


Also, having read much of game of thrones recently, my head is filled with characters of brutal pragmatism.

Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Kassy's comment on 2012-06-28 06:41 AM
A solid sub, and a good read. Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Moonlake's comment on 2012-06-25 12:55 AM
I like the combo of idyllic surroundings and the ghoul threat in this piece. I'm a bit torn over what score to give this, though, deciding b/w a 3.5 and a 4. Once I decide, will come back and give an actual vote. Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Moonlake's comment on 2012-06-25 03:19 AM
I think this sub is a quality one in terms of both completeness and write-up. Why I have a struggle over the score is that all the way up until the last paragraph, I'm inclined to give this sub a 3.5 but the last section I definitely like and think should be graded a 4.

For me, 3.5 is a score I reserve for subs being of better overall quality than the average 'solid' benchmark sub whereas for me a 4 is clearly above the average. In this instance, I think why I think this way is that I like how your wrote up your version of an idyllic place with hidden threat and yet, this version still doesn't distinguish itself from other potential versions of this idea in a way that makes it entirely refreshing. Having said that, though, I also feel like that in the sections I said I would give 3.5, I can find snippets that is clearly deserving of a higher score than just 3.5. For example, I quite like the starting blockquote on how the common people re-interpret the Sundering as a divine-created event and it's quite close to a 4 to me.

I'm afraid that my comment isn't really useful in helpful you to identify what you could possibly improve on. This seems more like me rambling on about what I liked more and what I liked less about various bits of this sub. Anyway, at least now I've vaguely pinpointed key areas that give rise to the score conflict.
Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
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Moonlake's comment on 2012-06-25 08:05 PM
I like the added blockquotes. I think now the uniqueness of the place stands out more and I can with certainty give this a 4. Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Dossta's comment on 2012-06-25 05:21 PM
I like this quite a lot. To me, it kinda feels like what living in a Minecraft world would be like, with the render distance set to "short". A campaign based around stitching the sundered worlds back together would be really interesting. I can imagine the moral dilemma would be similar to Star Trek's Prime Directive, since these people would probably not be ready to face hundreds of other peoples with divergent cultures and climes.

If this world was rejoined with the others, would the ghouls disappear? Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
Dossta's comment on 2012-06-26 12:16 PM
I really hope you do that, because I'd love to read about more of these. Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
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MysticMoon's comment on 2012-06-25 01:07 AM
What do you feel is the tipping point between those scores? Does it need more detail? Did I overlook some aspect of the area? Is the tone too dry? Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-06-25 08:09 AM
I find that feedback very helpful. I'm not as worried about the vote as I am curious about what you thought worked vs what could be improved. To me a vote means that it was at least interesting enough to finish reading (I consider it a personal win if the reader didn't fall asleep while working through it ;). Detailed feedback, OTOH, helps me improve my writing overall. So thank you for that. Go to Comment
The Pocket Realm of Brocschtal
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-06-25 09:08 AM
Update: I added a few more blockquotes with narrative to better illustrate the situation with the ghouls and to incorporate some of the feedback from Moonlake and Scras. Go to Comment
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