I think the prose is strong and professional and the story has potential, particularly around Halloween. I enjoyed the phraseology and admired the word choice. But the story is really about the Deni and Billy characters, while the post claims to be about headless motorcycle man. We don’t have a backstory for the ghost characters. The post-script also asserts that the focus of this story is on the motorcycle man and attempts to describes the use of the motorcycle man in game. The content does not fully equip a storyteller or game master to use this work, you have an idea here, a plot, but you don’t have a complete story or a completely developed NPC.
The assertion that the resolution of this conflict should be system specific would only be true for the most sophomoric of gamers. Imagine if halfway through your story Billy pulls out his holy symbol banishes the undead then gets in the car and moves on. That is not resolution. And above we don’t have resolution for the ghost characters. I know gamers that would be satisfied with that, but I don’t play with them.
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Summary: All the details of the story are great but have you really expanded up on the content beyond “The restless spirit of a leather glad biker straight from central casting searches the back roads for the ghost of the woman that cut off his member”? As a piece of inspiration this is great, as a gaming resource it offers little because it has neither backstory nor resolution. As “draw it with crayon” camp says it lacks the “juicy details”.
Thank you for this. It's a pretty fair assessment. My original concept was going for irreverent humor but it came out as poor caricature, methinks.
If I ever spend more time on this, I'll take your advice by adding in a few more scenarios that expand the story a bit and show the main two ghosts from different angles. Also give them a backstory, although I was trying to hint at the essentials via action and dialogue. It's certainly an unfinished piece as-is.Go to Comment
It's great. Evocative and full of stimulating imagery (some kind of image/pic would be pretty sweet with this one actually!), particularly the chin-scarred (or whatever it may be) Moon itself. And the ritual of wax-and-wane shaving is awesome! The moss gathering is good too.
Plothooks 3, 4, 5 are great!! 1 and 2 are unnecessary, I think. We read that they are healers and knowledge gatherers. Those seem ubiquitous.
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I really like this! If i would add any tiny thing, it would be maybe one extra little weirdness or mystery about the moon/entity or the order, but that's nitpicking, nice work here!
It started off as...classic Hippocampi meets rushing, foamy, wave-horses from LotR. Best take-away from the first part was--to stop is to die. That was nice.
But the Abilities and Weaknesses gets to all the good stuff and some original bits, especially the--messages across great distances!
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They are indeed flavorful, well-rendered creatures, though I've come across their ilk quite a few times. Still good though!