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Vephelot's Milk
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Murometz's comment on 2006-02-13 11:51 PM
"over complication" from a person who names his beasties Baha'raha'ha ra. I jest of course!!! but explain if you would re: over complication. I keep reading posts and everyone preaches maximun detail? Go to Comment
Vephelot's Milk
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Murometz's comment on 2006-02-23 01:54 PM
Mourngrymn- I will be a parent myself (hope hope) in a month. In fact if my pregnant wife ever read this, she'd KILL ME! ;)

Your points/take on this is DEAD ON!

I guess in my game, the pc's simply decided to find a way to kill Vephelot in lieu of cure. They started last week, by poring over ancient dusty tomes in libraries, in an attempt to find mention and clues on Vephelot. Go to Comment
Vephelot's Milk
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Murometz's comment on 2006-02-15 07:10 PM
Manfred- Yes that's Ilya ;) Named after Ilya Murometz, greatest of the Bogatyrs in Russian Mythology (which gives me an idea for a submission). I would of picked "Ilya" but you guys already have one of those apparently.

re: your feedback I LIKE how you think.

Nobody- Where to begin. First thanks for the detailed feedback. Let me try to address a few of your points

1- it's an awfully limited poison BECAUSE a simple cleric or gaggle of concubines can't do anything about it. Hence, " incurable and unstoppable". They can't "purify" the food or water. It can't be detected either. How do you detect a colorless, odorless poison, that has a VERY mild taste of pus if it's in a bowl of Borscht. If what you mean is clerical magic, this particular poison isn't affected. Thats the whole point. As far as "only 3 uses a year", how many future kings can there possibly be to kill off in a one year period?? 3 seems okay to me. I guess it's an opinion thing. Thats cool.

Basically, I think I'll need to add a creative antidote/cure. I'm working on it. Was hoping someone here can throw out some ideas (like Manfred did-Thanks)

Making it a contact poison is a fine idea i guess...but it's not a poison created by a "deity". It's created by a minor demon. So I am not sure about "divine potency". This might be a case of semantics however on my part, so I'll leave that alone. 99 days is good point. nuff said. "hard but possible" is a great point as well.

2- Somehow I don't see the order as limited. I mean killing off royal bloodlines is a pretty major gig. A LOT of planning goes into pulling off successes for this group. Maybe I should of made it clearer, but harvesting the stuff doesn't take all that long so they are spending the rest of their time doing three things 1- plotting on how get the victim to ingest the poison 2- constantly looking to "place" key (not many but key) individuals in positions of power and 3-living their regular lives. It's not a religious order really. They don't recruit heavily. And if they screw up a "poisoning", there's always next year, or another kingdom. It's not like they are always successful. (sorry I think I'm going off on a tangent). But basically they definitely don't have a "widespread following"!

However if you mean this:

Vephelot cultist #1- "Hey, I heard the prince is going hunting. Maybe we can take him out then"
Vephelot cultist #2- "Let's try it. I can talk to that mad druid who owes me a favor. Let's plan this out well, since we screwed up killing him when he was born"

then ABSOLUTELY YES, I should of expanded on what else they do. No argument there. Great point!


I don't know what Roack means either by overcomplication. Waiting to hear.


"anecdotes" and "reeling the reader in" are both great points! Will do in future.

argghh...more detail. Won't it simply be too long?

"Describe the occult practices of the order in graphic detail, describe how the nobles react, describe how the people see these miscarriages. And don't just describe the overall effect, but describe them in a way that makes the reader feel like they are there. Go down to an individual level and really make the reader want to keep reading."

There is no way around it. Your absolutely right !!! (re: your last paragraph). Detail, detail, detail. But how many pages of this stuff do actually want to read??

Anyway, THANKS for taking the time to critique this. I appreciate that more than a simple "it's good/it's bad" comment. I guess getting that last 1/2 sword form you will take a little more work ;) Go to Comment
Vephelot's Milk
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Murometz's comment on 2006-03-05 12:09 PM
Manfred- BRILLIANT! Go to Comment
Vephelot's Milk
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valadaar's comment on 2007-11-19 07:07 PM
Interesting Muro!

Perhaps a properly accredited Midwife could get involved :)
You asked me what sinister plothooks could that school be involved with? Looks you had submitted one! Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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manfred's comment on 2006-02-14 03:20 AM
I have put bold font on one of your headings, worked fine. Try to do that on others, it it won't work, then it's probably a bug.

---

And yes, do post the One True Faith, it seems interesting. With a peaceful idea towards conquering the world... not bad. I wonder how long it takes for those in charge to split on some topic? Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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manfred's comment on 2006-02-13 03:52 AM
Excellent. There is everything I would want to know about a quiet little town, along with a local holiday and what the youngsters consider a challenge. There could be a few plot hooks, but it shouldn't be a problem to add some. (Oh, and: use the bold font, will look much better!) Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Ria Hawk's comment on 2006-02-28 01:15 AM
I like. At the moment, nothing constructive to add, but I'm fried. Will take another look later. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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CaptainPenguin's comment on 2006-02-13 04:59 PM
Great!
Make it into a System submission. :D Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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MoonHunter's comment on 2006-02-27 11:39 PM
This could of been broken up into a number of highly developed and highly related posts. Other than that... everyone else has hit all the comments. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Iain's comment on 2006-02-21 03:50 AM
Excellent! A nice, simple and not too weird or outlandish town that can very easily be used. (Don't get me wrong, I love reading the outlandish ones but they're often a lot more unique and hard to slip in to your own game). A town grown up around a saint; the festivals, places of interest and curiosities (I can see my PCs getting really worked up over the cat); it is all great. Interestingly, I got a somewhat eastern European feel from the town; I'm not sure why - possibly from the patron saints and processions. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 03:42 AM
An engineer knows that he has acheived perfection, not when ther is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away-cant remember who said that

Anyway, I was thinking about giving this a 4.5, but I then realized that I would not change a single thing. This town is perfect.

Congratulations, I never say that.

-Nobody Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Scrasamax's comment on 2006-02-16 08:12 PM
I like this post quite alot. The One True Faith doesnt need much detail IMHO, it is simply another incarnation of the massive and faceless Religious Bureaucracy. I like the way the town has its processions and would be martyrs and such. Very nice touches. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Cheka Man's comment on 2006-02-12 07:43 PM
Now this is a great first submission. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2006-02-12 07:35 PM
Use a bold font on the headers, that will make the paragraphs stand out more.
This is a great first submission Murometz, neither very cliched or overly fantastic. True to the challenge's terms. I would like to know a few tidbits about the "One Faith", just a summary to get an impression on what it's about. the essentials if you will.

Great work and welcome to Strolen's. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2006-02-16 06:43 PM
Looking forward to seing "The One True Faith" as a system. Exciting stuff. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Ancient Gamer's comment on 2006-04-13 05:26 PM
what can I say? A nice little town with lots of detail and affection thrown in. How can I resist that?
If I would pick on anything it would be that this town sounds a bit... dreary. You could have spiced up your tale with hints of danger or adventure scattered throughout, but even without that this is a wonderful tale.

Well done Murometz. Decidedly a winning first time post. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Ancient Gamer's comment on 2006-04-13 11:50 PM
Dreary might have been a poor choice for words, but as a GM I always look for some activities to spice up a location. I see your reasoning and I notice the result is good, but still... A place in which nothing happens will quickly grow old methinks. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Roack's comment on 2006-02-14 11:23 PM
I like it, It's a queer little town that I wouldn't mind using. It only has two flaws that I can see, the lack of description on the religion (which can be remedied by another article if you want to type it up) and the sheer size of the thing, otherwise I'm glad such a great poster has joind us. Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
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Spark's comment on 2006-02-14 03:24 PM
Hmmm, I'm not sure how I missed this, but this is great! You really put a lot of work and TONS detail into this, and I really couldn't ask for more. Go to Comment
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