Ok, since I have never commented on one of your submissions before, ( I dont think I have anyway) I will let you know. Anything I say in here is not bashing, harrassing, or down right mean. I am very up front with everyone and try to bring the same type of thought to every comment I make. So if I seem to harsh, forgive me bluntness. I am just trying to help after all.
I am not entirely sure what this submission is about. While this is an item, it seems more of a plot to me. More focus has been spent on the actual, getting rid of the clock, then the item itself.
And while Horripilation, is an actual medial term, I really don't think the name fits for an item. Whether it suits it or not. The name made me think of some horrible illusion or nightmare, perhaps a demon would spawn from it when I read the title. As I didn't know what Horripilation was until I looked it up.
The items description, while fits its not unusual looking nature, needs much more definition. It briefly, one sentence, mentions it has magic properties before. What were they? The danger sense it spoke of all to briefly as well? If so... why would lightning affect it any? I would think if magic was altered it would revert to the exact opposite of it's ability. Not sense danger until it passed or something along those lines.
Why would a feeling of gooseflesh be unnearving? I get cold chills all the time and it doesn't affect me. It feels weird to have it al lthe time I am sure, but nothing that I would be in such a rush to get rid of. It still functions as a cloak after all.
I would think that if this did do what you intend, the gooseflesh would have to be more than just natural. It would be chilling to the bone and unearving to the point where they can not function. It isn't on all the time, but happens at the worst times. When stressed, or under pressure.
I don't know but this lacks a lot of me to vote on and it seems more a plot than an item.
Ok, I am sorry that I am stil lvoting a little low on this as everyone else seems to like it a lot. I try not to let others sway my voting at least.
Thinking now about the cloak in that it would be like it was detecting danger all the time seems to be a wonderful idea. Especially if it gave the impression that the wearer turns to look and sees a few people turn away. Everytime. So it seemed someone was watching/ tracking/ stalking them. Go to Comment
I actually like this cloak a great deal. This is just the sort of item I like to give PCs in my campaign. Something that will make them think a bit, and just add a bit of flavor and role play to the game.
Not eveything needs to be awesome and of high magic. It has been my experience that it is those little items that really make the game. I mean sure, give someone an awesome sword or great armor, and they will appricate it and have fun with it. But, when they look back at the campaign, what they will really remember is the litte silly stuff that made it fun.
"Ha-ha..remember when so-and-so got that cloak, and it made him jump at every little thing. How long did it take us to figure that out?? And all the time it was right in front of us!"
I have the feeling that this will be showing up for my PCs rather soon...
Oh, and I have the feeling it take a real dry, tounge-in-cheek sence of humor to get what you were doing with the name. That is the curse of those of us with a Britt sence of humor..no one else gets it. Been there many a time myself. ;) Go to Comment
ok, I could have added some clarification and more description. I thought the lightning bolt clasp might have done the trick :) but I guess not.
-Formerly, the cloak caused gooseflesh and uneasiness whenever the wearer was close to danger. Now it simply causes that sensation all the time.
-It's not that the goose bumps and such "cause" uneasiness. An overall feeling of nervousness and mild paranoia is felt as well, on top of the goose-bumps.
-Obviously people wouldn't go around calling it a "horripilation" cloak. I guess you can call it a "Gooseflesh Cloak" or something. I meant the name a little tongue-in-cheek, for exactly the reason you state. It seems such an OMINOUS word, I thought it would be funny. I guess that amused only me
-why would lightning affect it? Geez, I don't know. Why not? I don't have a scientific or detailed magical discourse on the subject.
- "Not sense danger until it passed or something along those lines." I actually like that suggestion a lot. Great alternative (probably better actually and funnier!)
- Nobody, thanks for "wooly-and-worn". Hope you don't mind.
In closing (and as Nobody mentions-thanks!) I didn't mean this to be a "world-changing" magic item, and didn't want it to be overly complicated. It's a quirky cloak, thats all. In hindsight, I should have made the entry as Yazzard the NPC.
*did some slight editing*
I DO appreciate your comments and suggestions, Mourngrymn. I guess I'll chalk this one up, to "you didn't like it" :) Go to Comment
Interesting: violent anarchists with a hardly detectable poison. I would imagine they would be also interested in other poisons - causing abortion/premature birth/weakening small children; or even poisoning adults, but that is risky. While their main tool is very effective, there is a limited amount of it and it may not be at hand at the right time.
Also, is there by chance some antidote?
There could be less empty lines towards the end, it is too strawn over. As for the categorization, it is on you, but you can certainly split it and make the group a Society of its own. Or Vephelot, the merciful spirit that wants people to be free... that is how a demon should be seen by its followers. The bloody chaos they create is just an accidental by-effect of their noble cause. Go to Comment
Now, for the ultimate moral turn-around: they are actually saving the babies, because otherwise they will be raised to wield the ultimate power over others. And as everyone knows, power corrupts. And this way, they are saving the innocents. *shudders from disgust*
As for the antidote... I am not sure. There logically would be some natural means to fight it, get a probe, hire a dozen of alchemists, you'll get it eventually. But personally, I would consider it more interesting to first find out how (and where from) they recieve the poison, and counter it with some reversed means...
- a blessing from a deity of nature/youth/fertility or something like that?
- invoking such a spirit, and recieving the antidote in a similar way as the poison (it could flow out of flowers, or materialize as morning dew, or whatever)
- that ultra-rare healing plant mentioned in some legends and rumours
- other common items, dragon's liver and such ;)
But ultimately, I would go for something that is the reverse of the demon, and it's poison. Go to Comment
"...a follower is a woman who gets pregnant and ingests the poison..."
Hm, hm, hmmmm...
One way to approach nobility, is to become a lowly servant that occasionally gets 'used' by the king or some other high-up. And if she gets pregnant, her co-warriors would not be above helping her to get rid of the child to not compromise her persuasion. Which of course goes against her mother's instincts.
What a NPC: a follower that was up to taking out the royal family, but has lost her child due to her revolutionary friends. And now she wants revenge. Go to Comment
I like this idea, more for it's political implications than anything else. A few things off the top of my head: if an actual cure ever was found, I'd imaging that the nobility would just start dosing every newborn with it the day they were born. Assuming it's not some heinously complicated ritual (even that might not stop them) or dangerous in and of itself. Also, we've established the fact that you can't tell if a baby's death is due to natural causes or poison, and everyone's assumed that natural causes would be the default guess. But given the paranoia of the nobility, it's likely to be quite the opposite. Any death of a newborn, even if (maybe especially if) of natural causes will likely be blamed on this cult. Which could start a witch hunt-type panic, trying to ferret out cultists, even where there are none. Could degenerate into a Spanish Inquisition thing, where people are tortured into confessing. Which is only going to prove to the cultists that they were right in the first place, and things are just going to escalate. Go to Comment
I really like this. Poisons are rare enough on this site, but to have one made by a deity is a rare treat. A couple of things however.
1) This is an awfully limited poison. Once a year, with a time window of little over a month, only three uses, and of course, application of the poison into food or water (which royals are well versed in evading). A simple Cleric (or a few concubines) on the royal budget would make short work of purifying the food and water. I think that you should make it a contact/ingested poison. This is a poison created by a deity after all, it needs to have the potency of the divine.
I would also increase those 44 days (or 66) to maybe 99 days instead. that is a little over 3 months. With a 9 month pregnancy, that should give them an opportunity to poison a noble at any point in the year, however, with pregnancies going unannounced until late in the pregnancy, it would be hard to do in many cases.
Hard but possible is always a good rule in my book, espescially for a deity inspired quest.
2)The Order itself seems rather limited in it's focus. If all they do is poison pregnant nobles, then I have a hard time imagining that they have a wide-spread occult following. I think that you should have this group a little more versitile in it's focus. Every religious order has to have a range of incentives broad enough to keep members joining, and this one has to have a range broad enough to convert men and women who have been trusted by the royal family for years (A royal family would simply lock down the pregnant woman, admitting only trusted friends and servants).
I don't know what Roak is talking about with the overcomplications. The more interesting detail you put into this, the better (key word: interesting), and I stick by that always. I have seen posts that had only a mediocre item, but amazing backround and detail get 5/5 by everybody.
However, on that note, I think that you could use some anecdotes in there. Although I usually don't include this in my reviews, I will include it in yours. There are a lot of really good items out here that have gotten votes far lower than they should have for the quality of the submissions. However, these submissions rarely, if ever, include good solid hooks that bring the reader into the world.
Describe the occult practices of the order in graphic detail, describe how the nobles react, describe how the people see these miscarriages. And don't just describe the overall effect, but describe them in a way that makes the reader feel like they are there. Go down to an individual level and really make the reader want to keep reading.
Anyway, that is my advice.
Good item, unusual origin, plot hooks, described pretty well. All in all I would say that it gets a 4.0, but the plot hooks push it up to a 4.5. Good work Go to Comment
I like this submission, both as an organization of religious fundamentalists and their unifying agent, the harvested essence of a minor demon. It is a mistake to try and rationize the thoughts and actions of a zealot, as by their very nature they will defy common logic and 'your' basic beliefs. Why would they go to such extremes to kill an infant? Because giving an expectant mother a dose of poison six months before birth isn't murder, it's just a religious devotion. Six months later the child is born and quickly dies, no one knows how, or even when the poison was delivered. It also goes to say that killing an infant is an evil act, but by use of the poison, the evil act is the work of the demon's milk, not the hand of a Follower. Go to Comment
I liked this. I especially liked the cult and the book and how the Milk is used. The fact that is used on pregnant women was nice too. The whole Marxist crown killer thing was modern, but not as good as the rest.
The potential for a 5 is in the Milk itself I would think. Had the central story and the plot hooks been different you might well have scored higher. Go to Comment
1st) I like it. It is intereting enough for me to want to get to the end to find out the rest.
2nd) I like the fact that it works the way it does.
a. It doens't kill the mother, oh no. Draws to much attention.
b. It doesn't still born the baby, same reason.
c. It allows the woman to go through her entire pregnancy thinking that everything is fine.
By doing it that way there is NO possible way to tel lexactly when the poison was introduced, if at all, and who did it. It can be given in the early stages, or two days before the baby is born. There is no possible way to tell who did it.
And therefore I have an issue. A non-traceable poison that no one can find the cure for as it kills in three days. Not long enough to find a cure, not long enough to study for one, unless you infiltrate the cult and get a sample which is probably next to impossible.
No way to track who did it unless they are very boastful, which by reading this it doesn't seem like they are. If I were to complain about anything, it would be that. It gives no hope for the PC's to get involved to find a cure to save the child. Thats me being a parent I guess and not a fatalistic DM I portray. Go to Comment