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Renik Kavios – Master of the Docks
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Murometz's comment on 2007-05-02 08:30 PM
val, I think you mean...

MindForge:

not

Ranik:

:D

MindForge: I for one, loved House of Sand! Val is right...a few Yawns would piss me off too, but take heart, come back, and share more of your ideas! Go to Comment
Renik Kavios – Master of the Docks
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Murometz's comment on 2007-05-02 08:31 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Renik Kavios – Master of the Docks
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
valadaar's comment on 2007-05-02 08:24 PM
Mindforge:

Perhaps the response was harsh - there have been much harsher. Recognize that some are not going to be all sugar and spice and may hate your idea. Such is life. I've been beaten up pretty good on some of my subs - especially my earlier ones. I'm still posting.

Though I will admit, it would not take too many 'Yawns' to tick me off as well. Thats almost as bad as (rant on) PEOPLE WHO DON'T VOTE@ (rant off).

I will say your earlier post - House of Sand - was superior to this one. This one has a lot of unanswered questions. These are good when dealing with player knowlege, but as GM's looking to use this individual, we need to know what his secrets are. How did he get out of the dungeon?

Edit: Corrected who I was talking too. Sheesh. :P Go to Comment
Renik Kavios – Master of the Docks
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Wulfhere's comment on 2007-05-02 05:15 PM
Renik seems a decently conceived villainous ganglord, but he didn't feel very credible to me. I suspect that Renik's world is a lot more "cosmopolitan" than some fantasy worlds, much like the way that 1st Edition AD&D Greyhawk was presented.

Details that I would have liked to see expanded include the following:

Renik is a half-elf. Are people of mixed descent common in the city?

What sort of adventurers were his parents? Are we talking about great heroes or ruthless tomb robbers?

Apparently, Renik's the sort of charming sociopath that casually uses those around him: While charm and deception work for a while in romantic dealings, such a man's reputation will eventually catch up with him. The idea of his being the most eligible bachelor in the city seems hard to swallow.

How does he treat those around him? A kingpin of the local criminal world, he may have a lot of power, but does he actually trust anyone?

Who are his enemies, and what are they doing to undermine him? Go to Comment
Renik Kavios – Master of the Docks
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Wulfhere's comment on 2007-05-02 04:53 PM
That's kind of harsh, Cheka. You might want to be more specific in your criticism. Go to Comment
Renik Kavios – Master of the Docks
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
MindForge's comment on 2007-05-02 05:17 PM
First off, for someone that has been around on this site so long I would think that you would give newer people here constructive criticism. Thanks, my image of you is just that a mindless yawn.
Second, Cliche is sometimes very fun, I thought the character was sort of cool when I thought of him, if rather cliche.

I was kind of excited about coming back to Strolen's and posting more, that excitement was shattered, I doubt I will be returning any time soon, it's not a big deal, nothing lost, just nothing gained. Well, I am not really that offended just jaded I guess. Have fun yawning. Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Scrasamax's comment on 2007-05-02 02:52 AM
Add some spaces between the paragraphs, also break up all the dense text with some bolded paragraph 'titles'. Keeps the eyes from crossing while trying to read the page. Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Cheka Man's comment on 2007-05-02 04:41 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Cheka Man's comment on 2007-05-02 01:04 PM
Vastly overpowered as it stands but a good idea for a race. I will not vote yet. Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2007-05-02 11:08 AM
I'd also suggest rereading it out loud to yourself. There are some run-on sentences that should be broken into separate ones.

eg.

Drones have very minimal sentience, and any sentience they do have is purely instinct, they can think when it must survive, they cannot think original thoughts and fight or flee as the situation demands if they have no hive mind orders from a leader.

There are also a few grammatical issues which will become apparent when read aloud. Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
MindForge's comment on 2007-05-02 12:48 AM
This is still in work kind of, mainly in the fact that I need some direction. I know the appearance is a little lacking and I will try to fill more in on that later. Suggestions? Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
MindForge's comment on 2007-05-02 01:53 PM
These creatures are meant to be epic in nature. The smaller drones should be able to kill an average human with ease. The hive mother and hive father are akin to ancient dragons or greater demons in power. Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
MindForge's comment on 2007-05-02 01:59 PM
I wrote it really fast and didn't really look back at it. I wanted to post it, that is how I write, I rush it out and then rewrite it five times. I wanted input on more of the content. The grammar and issues will be edited, I am actually a pagination and advertising specialist for a newspaper, I prefer to edit grammar last and get content first, just my writing style. I have found though, that if I write it to the end at least I already have something to work with. It is better than having half of an article with perfect grammar and editing. My opinion. Also, being versed in Strunk and White's Elements of Style I tend to use commas instead of periods in many instances... just a habit. Thanks though. Go to Comment
The Negasek
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
MindForge's comment on 2007-05-02 02:15 PM
Updated: Seperated sections, I will work on more later today. Go to Comment
The House of Sand
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2006-12-22 01:27 PM
Good.

My only complaint is that I don't know if I like the sort of cherry-picking of Arabic and Hindu mythology, but whatever. Go to Comment
The House of Sand
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-12-22 10:45 AM
I was thinking about adding this to the new take of assassins, but that idea died.

Overall I like the submissions. I can overlook the D20 format.

I agree that this is a great idea marred by a couple of notable language glitches. (Cut and Paste this into a word processor and run a grammar check OR read the entire thing out loud to your self.)

A few line spaces between paragraphs and breaking up some of the text blocks into seperate paragraphs would improve the readability greatly.

You really do not need to detail out the leaders. A line or three about what they are like should satisfy people. In such an organization, nobody is ever going to encounter them. If these people are even half as smart as they seem, they will be no where near any place where "interloping intruders"/ i.e. adventurers can get access to them. Sure they could get their own hands dirty and take out problems, but that is why they have minions. And if minions die, they can always make more... so why risk ones self? Go to Comment
The House of Sand
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-12-22 09:45 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
The House of Sand
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
Murometz's comment on 2006-12-23 08:59 PM
I actually LOVE this! Will explain why later. Go to Comment
The House of Sand
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
Murometz's comment on 2007-01-04 10:19 PM
I love the format you used, I love Rakshasa, and I love the feel of this piece! Even the name turns me on! House of Sand. Go to Comment
The House of Sand
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
Murometz's comment on 2007-01-04 10:22 PM
besides the Crusaders, which did keep them in check (and vice versa), the Mongols actually crushed them like fleas, assailing their unassailable mountain fortress, Alamut, and burning down what some call one of the ancient/medieval world's greatest troves of books and manuscripts. Gnosis. A shame. Go to Comment
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