Perhaps the response was harsh - there have been much harsher. Recognize that some are not going to be all sugar and spice and may hate your idea. Such is life. I've been beaten up pretty good on some of my subs - especially my earlier ones. I'm still posting.
Though I will admit, it would not take too many 'Yawns' to tick me off as well. Thats almost as bad as (rant on) PEOPLE WHO DON'T VOTE@ (rant off).
I will say your earlier post - House of Sand - was superior to this one. This one has a lot of unanswered questions. These are good when dealing with player knowlege, but as GM's looking to use this individual, we need to know what his secrets are. How did he get out of the dungeon?
Renik seems a decently conceived villainous ganglord, but he didn't feel very credible to me. I suspect that Renik's world is a lot more "cosmopolitan" than some fantasy worlds, much like the way that 1st Edition AD&D Greyhawk was presented.
Details that I would have liked to see expanded include the following:
Renik is a half-elf. Are people of mixed descent common in the city?
What sort of adventurers were his parents? Are we talking about great heroes or ruthless tomb robbers?
Apparently, Renik's the sort of charming sociopath that casually uses those around him: While charm and deception work for a while in romantic dealings, such a man's reputation will eventually catch up with him. The idea of his being the most eligible bachelor in the city seems hard to swallow.
How does he treat those around him? A kingpin of the local criminal world, he may have a lot of power, but does he actually trust anyone?
Who are his enemies, and what are they doing to undermine him? Go to Comment
First off, for someone that has been around on this site so long I would think that you would give newer people here constructive criticism. Thanks, my image of you is just that a mindless yawn.
Second, Cliche is sometimes very fun, I thought the character was sort of cool when I thought of him, if rather cliche.
I was kind of excited about coming back to Strolen's and posting more, that excitement was shattered, I doubt I will be returning any time soon, it's not a big deal, nothing lost, just nothing gained. Well, I am not really that offended just jaded I guess. Have fun yawning. Go to Comment
I'd also suggest rereading it out loud to yourself. There are some run-on sentences that should be broken into separate ones.
Drones have very minimal sentience, and any sentience they do have is purely instinct, they can think when it must survive, they cannot think original thoughts and fight or flee as the situation demands if they have no hive mind orders from a leader.
There are also a few grammatical issues which will become apparent when read aloud. Go to Comment
These creatures are meant to be epic in nature. The smaller drones should be able to kill an average human with ease. The hive mother and hive father are akin to ancient dragons or greater demons in power. Go to Comment
I wrote it really fast and didn't really look back at it. I wanted to post it, that is how I write, I rush it out and then rewrite it five times. I wanted input on more of the content. The grammar and issues will be edited, I am actually a pagination and advertising specialist for a newspaper, I prefer to edit grammar last and get content first, just my writing style. I have found though, that if I write it to the end at least I already have something to work with. It is better than having half of an article with perfect grammar and editing. My opinion. Also, being versed in Strunk and White's Elements of Style I tend to use commas instead of periods in many instances... just a habit. Thanks though. Go to Comment
I was thinking about adding this to the new take of assassins, but that idea died.
Overall I like the submissions. I can overlook the D20 format.
I agree that this is a great idea marred by a couple of notable language glitches. (Cut and Paste this into a word processor and run a grammar check OR read the entire thing out loud to your self.)
A few line spaces between paragraphs and breaking up some of the text blocks into seperate paragraphs would improve the readability greatly.
You really do not need to detail out the leaders. A line or three about what they are like should satisfy people. In such an organization, nobody is ever going to encounter them. If these people are even half as smart as they seem, they will be no where near any place where "interloping intruders"/ i.e. adventurers can get access to them. Sure they could get their own hands dirty and take out problems, but that is why they have minions. And if minions die, they can always make more... so why risk ones self? Go to Comment
besides the Crusaders, which did keep them in check (and vice versa), the Mongols actually crushed them like fleas, assailing their unassailable mountain fortress, Alamut, and burning down what some call one of the ancient/medieval world's greatest troves of books and manuscripts. Gnosis. A shame. Go to Comment
I think this is quite an interesting take on an Assassin's guild - the means of recruiting is excellent.
From the perspective of presentation, there are some odd phrasings and some of the sentences seem rather clipped.
Not sure to what level to comment, but one suggestion presented many a time on this site is read your submission to yourself and see if it makes sense. Interestingly the lead in story told by the new recruit has better structure to me then the rest of the sub.
If I may present one example:
"They believe that there is an afterlife of paradise for them and over the next six years they learn everything about Amirah the Prophet, the House of Sand, and the Queen of Sand. Along with learning of their new found religion. "
"Along with learning of their new found religion." does not sound like a correct sentence to me, more of an afterthought.
I would break up this into two sentences, one indicating their belief, and the other included what they trained in.
Again this is my opinion, and I'm just a computer geek.
Nit-picking aside, I think this is a really good post. Overall, a 4/5 from me. Go to Comment
A well-done cult of killers, working well from the inspiration of the historical Hashishim, the original assassins. Historically, the Hashishim would extort tribute from local rulers, much as Al Qaida does in some areas today.
(As a side note, the only group I'm aware of that successfully put the Hashishim in check was the crusading Order of the Templars, who successfully demanded tribute from the assassins.)
As far as developing your sub further, I have several suggestions:
A few lines in boxtext describing rakshasha would be helpful, especially for the non D20 crowd. Are there other strange creatures or demons that these supernatural things use as minions or tools of assassination?
A small paragraph sketching out what each of the leaders is like will suffice for them, as Moon pointed out. The player characters are unlikely to fight them, but may encounter them indirectly, through their minions or messages they have left behind.
Do they have a particular "face" person, that serves as their envoy to local rulers?
Are there enemies that fear them, but would secretly act as a patron against their evil?
Please separate paragraphs with an extra line between. Go to Comment