I think this is quite an interesting take on an Assassin's guild - the means of recruiting is excellent.
From the perspective of presentation, there are some odd phrasings and some of the sentences seem rather clipped.
Not sure to what level to comment, but one suggestion presented many a time on this site is read your submission to yourself and see if it makes sense. Interestingly the lead in story told by the new recruit has better structure to me then the rest of the sub.
If I may present one example:
"They believe that there is an afterlife of paradise for them and over the next six years they learn everything about Amirah the Prophet, the House of Sand, and the Queen of Sand. Along with learning of their new found religion. "
"Along with learning of their new found religion." does not sound like a correct sentence to me, more of an afterthought.
I would break up this into two sentences, one indicating their belief, and the other included what they trained in.
Again this is my opinion, and I'm just a computer geek.
Nit-picking aside, I think this is a really good post. Overall, a 4/5 from me. Go to Comment
A well-done cult of killers, working well from the inspiration of the historical Hashishim, the original assassins. Historically, the Hashishim would extort tribute from local rulers, much as Al Qaida does in some areas today.
(As a side note, the only group I'm aware of that successfully put the Hashishim in check was the crusading Order of the Templars, who successfully demanded tribute from the assassins.)
As far as developing your sub further, I have several suggestions:
A few lines in boxtext describing rakshasha would be helpful, especially for the non D20 crowd. Are there other strange creatures or demons that these supernatural things use as minions or tools of assassination?
A small paragraph sketching out what each of the leaders is like will suffice for them, as Moon pointed out. The player characters are unlikely to fight them, but may encounter them indirectly, through their minions or messages they have left behind.
Do they have a particular "face" person, that serves as their envoy to local rulers?
Are there enemies that fear them, but would secretly act as a patron against their evil?
Please separate paragraphs with an extra line between. Go to Comment
SE hit a couple I was wondering too. Especially the elves attacking everything in their path. At least need some background on that to overcome the stereotype of elves to allow them to do mass destruction. Who else was in their path where the enemy of my enemy is my friend could be played too. Also, why wait 60 years to come back? Was she in the wild this whole time? Local? Is the cloak stuck on her that she can't remove it?
Would like some more on the bow too.
Will hold off on the vote in hopes of some editing. Go to Comment
I came to the party late and did not see the previous editions. The existing write up is quite nice. It now hits most of the important points. Not big on style, but good for the content.
There are no "good" guys. There are no "bad" guys. There are just "guys". (Does what character in what movie said that? I love this quote, but can not find the source). The best fiction, and the best games, have villians that are not simply "evil", and protagonists that are not simply "good". People do what they think is right to their way of thinking and experience.
Actually you don't have to make her a villian, per say. She is (technically) the rightful ruler of the area, displaced by an advancing horde.
I am sure the Elves were simply clearing out what they thought was EVIL in these lands. The destruction of everything (her mother's neighbors, friends, and possible vassels) that she heard about, would of been the destruction of all Evil creatures (by Elven views).
Given the right presentation, you can get the PCs on either side of this issue.
My one quibble is "Where did she go for 70 years?" Just hanging around the forest and dodging Elven patrols? Is she a terrible monster far away, returning home now? Some fleshing out there would be nice. Go to Comment
Questions: Why does the cloak hurt her when she leaves the forest? Is she able to remove the cloak? What's the story behind the cloak?
More emphasis on her past would be nice to know. For example, what were the ruins that her mother called home? Perhaps, for a small twist, the ruins were of a previous elven society which her mother had slain, and the elves had in fact taken back the land which was theirs, unbeknownst to Satrya.
A fair minor npc with definite playability, but more information never hurts. I've definitely seen worse first posts before :)
I like this one. She does make me want to diverge a bit from the villain that MindForge described, though. A GM that plays up the arrogance of the Elves could add an additional element of moral uncertainty to encounters with Satrya. After all, even villains have reasons for their evil deeds.
In most game worlds, medusae are merely evil, but it would be an interesting twist to make them more tragic and complex. As an example, Satrya could be the descendant of a line of priestesses that were accursed for their failure to follow some precept of their religion. Transformed into hideous and lethal monstrosities, they desperately try to preserve the holy sites of their faith, hoping to be freed from their ancestral curse.
I'm diverging a great deal from the character as described by MindForge, but I like to challenge my players' assumptions about where everyone fits in the grand scheme of things. Go to Comment
Equipment updated, I will do more day by day, until she is fully fleshed out, answering most of the questions and taking into the account much of what you guys have commented on. Thanks for the comments. Go to Comment
A planet (or city, valley ect) where those who enter witness protection can escape old age and death itself, so they can live for centuries without aging-provided they maintain their cover perfectly. If they are outed by anyone or ever utter their true name, they age the number of years they have not aged since the day they entered witness protection (which might mean that they age centuries in seconds and crumble into dust and bone.)
Ideas ( System ) | September 3, 2008 |