Can't we move past the old "raiders killed/enslaved her/his family" gimmick? I am so BLOODY sick of it.
And in any case, there is no drama or real backstory. After she escaped, she just became, suddenly, a "bladesinger" (whatever that is), and went off to be a mercenary. What else happened? How is she different from any other character on this site who's family was taken by raiders? How is she different from any boring, flat, pointless novella character?
And can't you come up with a better name than "Michaela Reed"?
Think of your submissions as if the game was going to be a novel- if the character is not good enough to fit in a well-written novel, it is not up to snuff here.
A couple of things besides the obvious of "too short", not enough description, though it is more interesting than drying paint. There is some promise... but....
There is no real plot or drama for the character. There is no story hook large enough to use for it either. Nothing to make this character more than a cypher.
I want you to think about the Gold Standard:
If the character (item/ setting/ plot) is not as well described or as well developed as a character (item/ setting/ plot) in a novel (excluding horrible game fic novels), then it is not yet ready to be posted. If it is not the equal of said characters, then you need to do more work on it.
If the character is in the begining of her career, you need to give us these details. If they are secure in their career we need those details of her past as well.
I really want you to read our five and four star characters to get a feel for what we are looking for.
cut and paste the link
http://www.strolen.com/npc/index.php?order=rating&dir=DESC Go to Comment
Okey Dokey, Mick, Let me try and help you out a bit here :)
First, I'll have to agree with the captain: Try to avoid the 'X' Killed 'Y's family, so 'Y' now becomes a fighter. When it was first made, Im sure that idea was a gem, but now its so overused it just grinds on most peoples nerves.
Next! Try to develop your character more deeply and more realistically. What we see here is just a surface picture, and as such, isnt that interesting.
Lets say we DID stick with the whole Raiders story. After seeing her family slain, Id expect a child to develop psychological disorders.
Either way, the character is your own, so develop it how you like.
What will get you high marks is originality and detail. I suggest taking a look at some of the 4 and 5 voted characters on this site to see the kind of depth we like :)
In all, I'll give this a 2/5, because it DOES show promise, at least, even if it is quite bland.
Oh, And contrary to the Captain, I don't much mind the name :P
This background is an exact replica of the childhood of Conan, except instead of your friendly neighbourhood savage, nude barbarian, we got the coffe bar urban version.
While black and silver look dashing on pirate vessels and mausoleums, I get "Kiss" (the rock group) vibes when it is worn on clothing. In europe we have a television figure known as "Black Adder" and well, he wears black and silver (or white).
Ok, first of all, not a bad start. I still dont know why people have characters with a scar across their eye but the eye is perfectly fine. But hey, that's just me.
Hmm, pillaged home and murdered family. Temporary enslavement. Cliche...but again, not a bad start. Alot of cliche things are becoming popular these days.
What get's me is that she has become a mercenary. Which means over time she will be hired out and will become just like the ones who attacked her home. And then someone else will take up the reigns. Kind of an endless cycle of violence there.
I dont think there is anything wrong with the name given. But one would suggest that an elven character have an elven name. Unless she has adopted the human name as a way of survival. If so, some details of why she chose this name would be appreciated.
Why did the band of humans chose to pillage her home?
Why was Michaela's life spared?
How long was she a prisoner to the band of humans?
What is a bladesinger? (most of us have no clue what this is)
What things did she endure before the Master Bladesinger agreed to become her teacher?
Not trying to be mean. Just trying to give some constructive criticism. These are some questions that need to be answered. And as I have been told many many times. Details are appreciated, even if they are really long. Not bad for your first character. Go to Comment
Having left the hush of the upper halls, and crossed the depths of the Braeth (an underground river, which is not all that deep because bear in mind we're talking about gnomes here), you would find yourself in Wattling Street, the main road through Udnalor. It's actually a long, well-worn passageway which opens out eventually into the City Centre. The gnome-buildings branch off Wattling Street as small burrows or caverns with boulder-blocked doorways for privacy. You can find armourers and smiths (though their armour tends to be on the small side for humans to buy) and many other types of trader.
There are many streets, ginnels and cooies which run off Wattling Street, the most famous probably being Smell Street, the domain of the infamous gnomish alchemists, the eponymous smell being very distinctive: the stench of cooking fungus, the aroma of subterranean spices, the pungent reek of rotting carcasses (used in some of the more notorious experiments). An encounter with an alchemist can really be spiced up (excuse the pun) if you have a well-stocked herb cupboard, and actually make up the potions, elixirs and draughts as they are ordered by characters.