It is a bit powerful, but I don't mind such things when power comes at a price. Here you've got a guy who creates a race of killing machines and his only way to control them was to trust a djinn. See how well that turned out.
I also like the idea that a simple musical instrument can control an unstoppable army with a few toots. Like if the Pied Piper had dire rats. Nice work. Go to Comment
Dragoon God again. I like the story and detail,although it seems to be missing something. Like if he has an ultimate destiny does everyone else? the villagers were destined for what, to fish? Thats the problem I find with the term 'destiny'. Why was only this guy destined for greatness, and if he rules an area the size of france, why is he afraid of some cultists from a swamp? Is it mostly forest? Add an explanation for destiny, an ultimately destined enemy(King maybe?),and a love intrest and I'm good. I must give credit though, you did a magnificent job, well done. Go to Comment
First off, dont diss the name (What kind of name is "CaptianPenguin?) And second off, I just personelly think that having an ultimate enemy spices up the whole adventure. It gives the character something to go for, and no I'm not saying that fighting to take back your homeland isnt something that would make you want to fight, but it adds to the drama. Plus who wouldnt want a girl at their heros side?
I'm not saying that having a love interest is neccesary, I guess I just like the idea that the hero has found some closure. In Vantu's case I think that if he had a girlfriend he would be able to look at the bright future ahead, not the troubled past he left behind.
As for you Cap'n, I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I thought you were being sarcastic when you put the quotes on my name. And to answer Echo's question, you've got a point. I guess I never thought of it that way. You made a valid point, but my opinion has'nt changed, I'm pretty stuborn, but dont take it to heart, I just like adding those characters.
Okay, I just read the entire story of Vantu(after many a break for I suck at reading)and the comments.I like the story alot and I have to side with the captan. Why does he need a girl? He's a fucking badass, not a panzy "oh hold me in your arms and never let go" hero/drama bullshit. Let me spell it out, HE KILLED HIS FATHER WTH A SMILE ON HIS FACE! why would he want some women slowing him down. And about making fun of the captans name i have one thing yo say; penguins rule. What the hell is a dragoon anyway? Peace. Go to Comment
Hey, that hurts. I said I was sorry, what more do you want? And a dragoon is a dragon knight(sometimes reffered to as lancer, as in FF Tactics), someone who deserves to rule dragons.As the self proclaimed Dragoon God I created the dragoons. And, although he killed his dad it certainly doesnt he is incapable of love. Hell, do you know of anyone in the world that has killed family members, and never had a relationship? Bin Laden ring a bell? Also I didnt want Vantu to get all dramatic on the characters, I didnt want to change his inticing persona, I just wanted to add someone to his main party that would add something more for Vantu to worry about. Thats all ive got to say about that, so until next time.
I wasn't dissing your name, I was just putting it in quotes because you are new to me. It is like defining an undefined, do you understand me? No, that's confusing.
Nevermind, I'm strange. I never meant to cause offense.
But if you say one more thing about my name...
*shakes a finger in warning*
Regarding the Serpents,they are not tiny snakes,lol,but are actually giant amphibious beasts.These creatures are immune to cold,due to their arcane orgins.They came from a mysterious,watery continent long ago and when the Snake Riders disovered them,they immediately revered these things as the blessed creations of their Wave Godess.Though being extremely bad tempered and unable to speak,they are are very intelligent and proud.The Serpent will only suffer you to ride it after it has come to trust and respect you.They are to the Snake Riders what the horse was to the early Aryan tribes.Thus,they are revered by all tribes.The bird may be the totem bird of the Hanal,but the Serpent is respected and worshipped by all.The poison is taken from a hardy plant that grows along the shorelines.As for the cormoront being unsuited as the totem bird,I have to agree with you.The osprey would be a better choice.And yes,Vantu is a true giant.He is easily 8 feet tall and is as heavily muscled as an Ogre,making him something of a freak.Now for your last questio.Vantu is famous among the larger neighbouring tribes that have tried to raid the islands of his people.But by no means is his fame universal among his people.The Snake Riders cover an area larger than France and assuming that all of them have heard of Vantu is foolish.Furthermore,the people of Calan and other civilzed lands,know almost nothing of the Snake Riders and thus could be hardly expected to know who Vantu is.Think of him as a local celeb,if you will. Go to Comment
lol.I never thought this would stir up so mcuh debate. Well,to answer your questions,Dragoon God,Vantu was originally desgined for a specific Rp,like three other charries here.(Check out Benedict,Jeramyn and Kellen.) I meant to develop him as the Rp progressed. And no,Vantu never ruled an area the size of France. His people the Snake Riders did. The Hanal are only one among the many tribes of Snake Riders that exist.
Thanks for the feedback,guys. Always great to get a
response this lively and passionate. Go to Comment
While a love interest can spice up a character, it should by no means be mandatory...
The enemy here is not a person, but rather the turns of events he must face. His pride, loneliness and the compromises he must make are the enemies to be faced, not a man in a black cloak.
4/5 Go to Comment
Some good and some bad on this one. He is from a Snake Rider clan who has a bird totem and wears seal and otter pelts and uses darts made of whale bone. 3 out of 5 fit this character. Ditch the Snake Rider bit. Why not the Whale Riders? Two totally different climates. If not and you are hooked on snakes then you need to come up with something to explain away the need to ride tiny snakes from the north. The colder it is, the smaller the snakes you know. Also, where does this famous paralitic poison come from? I'm guessing from some sea creature but it would be an interesting detail. I laughed at the idea of a cormorant being the totem bird of this fierce tribe. There must be some already established history for this in your game world. A mini-pelican like bird isn't the first bird I would jump at when creating a totem creature for a tribe of cold climate coastal dwelling barbarian warriors. It did change from being a Snake rider at the beginning to a Serpent Rider at the end.
Also didn't like the weapon description. Mostly because from what you describe it would not be useable, especially with a crippled leg. It is just too big. Maybe it just needed more description as to how big this Vantu really is. He would have to make Conan look like a dwarf. A weapon that long and with that large of an iron head would pull him over on his face each time it was swung unless he could brace with two legs. Magic involved with this?
Also, nice to have the character background going to childbirth. Is this something that will be public knowledge outside of his tribe? He doesn't seem to have a reputation if it is possible for a stranger to not know about his bad leg if stories of his size and weapon of choice do not identify him.
4/5 Go to Comment