It reminds me a little of RuneQuest, what with the 'disease spirits' that cause plagues. The details are good, as is the description.
Even though it is set in a age when there are firearms, they don't play that big of a role, so it could be adapted very easily.
I especially like how the Harakan are addicted as well as bound by the blood that they drink. Go to Comment
That's a great suggestion, Muro, but do you know how exactly I'm supposed to go about doing it? I apologise if I'm asking a rather silly question, but formatting has never been my strong suit. Thanks Go to Comment
Do you have any suggestions as to how I could smooth it? I've resolved the spelling errors but I take it that are other mistakes that I've overlooked? Are there any punctuation or grammatical errors that currently mar the sub? Sorry if I'm asking a stupid question here, but I'd just like to know the type of problems that need to be resolved. Thanks for commenting by the way. Go to Comment
Point noted, AG. You're right, this sub was a bit lacking when it comes to suitably dramatic elements. I'll have to rectify that for my future subs. I'm afraid that it might have something to do with the fact that it's been barely a month since I stopped churning out academic essays. :) Go to Comment
The Organi seems like a good race to have in your setting, dangerous opponents that pose a great threat individually. Especially the juvenile Organi seem like a great thing to send against your PCs in their inland villages.
For me this was a hard read however. The text, while grammatically great, is often dry and scholarly in the manner of university texts and professors' documents. I actually thought "Maggot is David Attenborough for sure", at a moment there. ;) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Attenborough
I do believe that some physiology is important, but I think this text delves too much into the biological minutae.
There is a glimmer of light: The fifth paragraph details juvenile Organis' inland incursions at night. That instantly triggered my imagination and I began envisioning plots and side-quests in which Juvenile Organi slaughter entire households of remote farms and villages. Thumbs up for that, and the reason for +0.5.
Base score: 3.5
Juvenile Organi bonus: +0.5
Total score: 4.0
There are crimes for which a man is not killed, but chased into the wilds, away from his home and country, to not return or be killed on the spot. In one culture is the condemned mutilated, and even his vocal cords are damaged so that the voice is unrecognizable to his friends and family. This is the punishment for people too obsessed with their own prestige.