Do you have any suggestions as to how I could smooth it? I've resolved the spelling errors but I take it that are other mistakes that I've overlooked? Are there any punctuation or grammatical errors that currently mar the sub? Sorry if I'm asking a stupid question here, but I'd just like to know the type of problems that need to be resolved. Thanks for commenting by the way. Go to Comment
Point noted, AG. You're right, this sub was a bit lacking when it comes to suitably dramatic elements. I'll have to rectify that for my future subs. I'm afraid that it might have something to do with the fact that it's been barely a month since I stopped churning out academic essays. :) Go to Comment
The Organi seems like a good race to have in your setting, dangerous opponents that pose a great threat individually. Especially the juvenile Organi seem like a great thing to send against your PCs in their inland villages.
For me this was a hard read however. The text, while grammatically great, is often dry and scholarly in the manner of university texts and professors' documents. I actually thought "Maggot is David Attenborough for sure", at a moment there. ;) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Attenborough
I do believe that some physiology is important, but I think this text delves too much into the biological minutae.
There is a glimmer of light: The fifth paragraph details juvenile Organis' inland incursions at night. That instantly triggered my imagination and I began envisioning plots and side-quests in which Juvenile Organi slaughter entire households of remote farms and villages. Thumbs up for that, and the reason for +0.5.
Base score: 3.5
Juvenile Organi bonus: +0.5
Total score: 4.0
A post that was a long time in comming. It has such potential that is disappoints. Formatting errors aside, it has spelling and punctuation errors. (Can you EVER put a space after a comma or period? The few places you do it seems almost accidental.) It seems like this escaped from the working space too early.
However, this is the key post for an entire set of posts. You call it the Land Of The Eshal after all!
The Eshal are so "alien" to common experience, you need to heap and heap explanation and examples so people have a real understanding of what they are and how they live. This write up is spartan in that area.
A couple of questions and observations...
Quadraped or Biped? So these people can carry no items while on land? (Except maybe in pockets?) Do they "walk" often, then have a burst of speed as a quadraped? And robes and kilts not very useful to 4 footed walkers.
The paragraph that starts "The average Eshal is twelve to fifteen feet long, and " should come before the talk of various locomotions. It makes sense that we know what we are talking about before you tell me how it moves.
Differences between males and females?
Can you give me an idea what these people look like? Are various castes different colors? Eyes are like? Do they have a narrow ant eater like snout? A broad flat mouth like a salamander or frog? What Terrestrial Animal do they most resemble?
Senses: Do these people have the same senses as humans? Is anything more important to them (like smell, as sight is useless in their aquatic dens). Echolocation? Sense heat? Since sight is not too important in a fairly aquatic environment, why does their clothing have specific color associations?
If there are only three castes, why not tell us exactly what their variations are? (What is the priest's variation?) Or does each profession has its own mutation? So the hands of a ceramics maker are different than one that cuts wood? You imply one, but don't explain clearly.
The section on drying out might be more useful towards the beginning instead of appended onto another paragraph.
Do these people have a stone age culture? How much building do they do? Where do the Dens okay. Other buildings or do they have a society based on dug out holes?
Do they have fire? And you can't make plaster without it (unless they are obscenely lucky and know where certain minerals are... but you make no mention of mining).
You need to expand the explanation of their lands, so people really understand about the swampy lands and the transitions about their aquatic lives. You make it seem, in parts, like they live above water almost all the time. Then the home life is totally aquatic.
The section on the Matriarch might be better placed after the section of Society. One is a better lead into the other. (The matriarch section makes more sense after we know about their society a little).
So females can generally be "forced to have intercourse" when ever a male feels the need? How willing are they? Do they just submit? do they have urges either, or is this just a case of "let them have their way and it will be over faster"? Or are they just horny all the time?
Clothing section might go better after the appearance section.
What do merchants and craftsmen wear? They do not have extra "items" to trade for more clothing to show their status? Is their nakedness just a caste enforced rule?
Why are they all not wearing hooded cloaks to avoid "drying out" when on the surface. They should look like Bedouins in loose fitting robes to avoid drying out and cancer from sun damaged skins (like frogs).
Domestic life might go better between the Society (and matriarch section) and Finance section (Call it economics or trade, these people do not do finance). This way we know people have a better understanding and the ideas lead into each other.
Cooking, such that it is, is done on the surface? (hard to marinate food underwater). Yet the house is underwater (and seemingly submerged). So all houses have a storage room and a kitchen up top? Should not all houses be "split level" with sections above and below the waterline? It looks like you have cooking... and if there is soup, then people eat above water? So there is a dinning room on the surface?
Houses (and other buildings) obviously need to be better described. And do they have "other buildings?" or is everything just done in people's houses? Is there any light in there? Are their openings in the roof to let light (and other things) in (like a beaver den)? Are there fires (oh wait, they are totally submerged, might want to fix that). Or do they exist in the dark with echolocation?
Do the Eschal manage the water level? If something happens and the water level rises or lowers (beyond tidal forcess) do they just abandon the area or create a damm/ dyke?
Religion: We have a priestly caste, but no mention of religion's beliefs, worship, or anything. It seems the priests are nothing more than administrators for trade and their nobility telling people what to do. Why call them priests then? Or how about the Link to the existing duties post?
Language: How do they communicate? Does their language work the same above and below the water? Are their two tongues? Are they telepathic. Not mentioned anywhere?
Agriculture? Are they hunters/ gatherers? Do they "ranch" fish in ponds and pools? Any domesticated land animals or other aquatics? Do they have grain fields on the dry land (or rice, since that is a semi-aquatic plant)? They must grow something of how do they have cloth to make those priests and warrior robes and kilts? Or do they trade with other races to get that?