This is one of the more unpleasant contributions that the site has seen. While I don't shy away from controversial, gruesome subs, you might want to tone him down a touch, as there are some folks who would find this offensive and most of us would hesitate to use such a creature in our games. Go to Comment
Hmmm..I think the Grey scribe is an interesting character. The juxtaposition of the gruesome details of his appearance with the mention of a practicality is a good touch. One can imagine the maggots eating at him to be apt metaphors for the emotions eating away at his soul. The reminder of the Scribe's grovelling'( can I assume that?), menial nature in the last paragraph sums up the character well. Overall seems an excellent candidate for a creature that would alternate between self-deceptive loyalty and betrayal. Not unduly offensive in my opinion... Go to Comment
Once again, a spellcheck and another reading before posting would be nice. Once again, the descriptions are evocative, and a heap of setting/background details are imparted, which is kind of likeable.
But on the whole, I'm sorry to say, it fails to impress me, and it grew tiresome as the many paragraphs kept coming. It feels like more of the same story of the same setting with a slightly different window dressing... once again, sorry, but that's how it felt to me.
A question: how did the other side, the Krakens, react? It appears like they didn't do much to oppose this threat. They would certainly take measures to protect their interests. In any case, piracy is far from a safe endeavor. How does the Order react to failures, and their ships being chased on the sea by the powerful Kraken's fleet? (Btw, that the Shogun denied any responsibility for a group with the same power base as the Company, acting basically in the Company's interest, sounds very suspicious as well.)
In short, I see this big effect on the one side, but no impact on the other side. There has to be a reaction on the action. Go to Comment
I second Manfred's comments and add with the spell check to do a read through edit, spellcheck doesnt know that ears should be years, to quote one example. The sub is a bit long and could be shortened some, but otherwise not too bad. Go to Comment
Sweet Mary, this was long! But good. Maybe a little scrollage or some other formatting tricks would prove helpful, making this somewhat easier on the eyes.
Wow, this is bizarre! So much info to absorb, i will have come back with more comments after rereading it again (good lord!)
Beware! The Frogs Cometh!
Her voice inevitably trembles as she describes her repeated vision of a vile, repulsive being that terrorizes her dreams the moment sleep claims her. For the next few moments, the elders listen enthralled as she tells them in a hushed, frightened tone of the hideous giant frog that forces its vile, grotesquely large member into her until her very genitals begin to seep a blood that seems all too horribly real, causing her to awaken screaming and praying that someone will come to save her from the monster's vile embrace.
Good gods!! What have ye wrought, Magggot?!?! (slap a NC-17 rating on this or something, HAHAHA)
Its creepy, its disgusting, its squishy, its primal, and oh so amphibious! I approve. Go to Comment