Yikes, if this is how overly verbose the sub is AFTER trimming down, I'd hate to see how it was before! It still could use to be smaller by a full third.
Examples? Let's take the first paragraph: "Unleashing a bloodcurdling scream that mingled agony of the most unbearable kind with the muffled moans of sexual gratification, the demon violently thrust its vast array of phallus’s into its gaping and furiously bleeding rectum, his rapidly fading mind fleeing back to the past, even as the talons of the his original home, the netherworld, closed upon him." How about:
"Unleashing a scream mingling agony with moans of lust, the demon violently thrust its vast array of phalluses into its gaping, bleeding rectum, its dying mind fleeing back into the past, even as the final blackness closed upon him." Not every noun and verb need modifiers.
That being said, anyone else staggered at the thought of a monolithic faith, devoted to keeping its people pure and chaste, having as the centerpiece of its daily services a lust demon constantly violating itself, non-stop, for decades yet? That'd be a bit raw for most demonic Chaos cults, let alone a putative white light religion. I'd throw something in about the neighboring nations refusing to help, being sickened by the perversions into which the faith of Wonnoth had sunk in the alleged defense of chastity, and deeming that they could lie in the bed they'd made for themselves.
"gaping, bleeding rectum"
Imagine my surprise reading this as I sip on my first coffee of the day. Getting past the eye-opening first paragraph, I like the idea. A blood-borne pathogen as a method for a demon's spread. Of course, this is exactly how medieval "science" viewed how the world works, you've just given them substance.
Not quite sure what to think of the "lust" spreading in chaste societies and yet the cure is having an especially religious priest casting it away with divine magic. Seems to kind of work against itself.