Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Rot Beetle
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Silveressa's comment on 2008-12-19 09:57 PM
Nice idea, but like others said it could use a little polishing for consistency. (Mainly where it;s already been mentioned)

Also your lines: After a period of five days the eggs hatch and the offspring squirm out. Upon hatching, the first thing the beetles do is to latch themselves onto the stomach walls using the suction pads on their legs.

After 5 days the would have most likely traveled entirely through the digestive track and been expelled with the rest of the bodily waste. Perhaps having the hatching time be a couple of hours rather than days would be better. (it takes approx 2-6 hours to digest a meal depending on what and how much was eaten)

Otherwise it fits nicely into any squalor and slum area, although I am curious how it denotes the difference between under cooked /raw meat and an open bloody wound on a person/creature. The other question I have is if they can swell to rat sized, what happens when a person has 5 or more of these things inside them? Does it rupture the stomach lining in the last stages of growth? Prevent consumption of any food do to filling the stomach?

Also any treatment/cure to alleviate the symptoms would be nice to see. (With it directly in the stomach I would imagine digestion of a large quantity of hard alcohol would serve to paralyze or possibly kill it) Does vomiting effect the creature? Is it possible to throw one up if you heave with sufficient force? (Especially if paralyzed by alcohol

Oh and the name seems a little incongruous with the description, since it spends the majority of it's life as a larvae in the hosts stomach)

Sorry to nit pick, but this has the potential be a neat sub with a bit more cleaning up. Go to Comment
Rot Beetle
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Silveressa's comment on 2008-12-27 05:30 AM
Excellent rewrite Maggot, although there are a few punctuation issues and some wording bits that could use a small bit of cleaning out.

This new beetle as presented feels much more complete and well defined; and also much more insidious.

Another creepy parasite for the poorer sections of cities. (It also could work well in a modern/future post apocalypse game with a little modification)

Great job on the rewrite, and an updated vote! Go to Comment
Hardville
Locations  (Neighborhoods)   (Any)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-12-11 12:32 PM
And down, down to Goblin-town you go, my lad. Go to Comment
Hardville
Locations  (Neighborhoods)   (Any)
Murometz's comment on 2008-12-13 06:35 PM
Good slum with some great details! Complete with explanations of how it came to be thus.

The cuisine alone is inspiring. Curried rats, poached toads, devilled frogs and braised cats are just a few of the many dishes available

Good work. Go to Comment
Hardville
Locations  (Neighborhoods)   (Any)
punkcasher's comment on 2009-03-16 03:10 PM
Great Idea. Keep up the goods !

:) Go to Comment
Hardville
Locations  (Neighborhoods)   (Any)
Bitters's comment on 2015-02-22 11:52 AM
This is a really great post. :) Go to Comment
Kugamu
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Maggot's comment on 2008-11-29 02:04 AM
Kugamu was actually inspired by your very own The Ghillie-Goat Man. The idea of defeated gods becoming minor spirits that live on as symbols is one of the most compelling concepts spawned by your inspired Totemos sub, at least as far as I'm concerned. Go to Comment
Kugamu
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-11-28 11:35 PM
This is great! So far, all of the Totemos and little gods I have been tinkering with have been moving up the scale of power, growing stronger. Now, we see Kugamu, sliding from a regional god to a local spirit being reinvigorated as a totemos. My thanks to you Maggot! Go to Comment
Kugamu
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-11-28 03:06 PM
Poor Kugamu, sic transit gloria mundi. Once a god-king,and now a catfish for eternity. Go to Comment
Gragami
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Maggot's comment on 2008-11-30 03:26 AM
Comments and feedback would be welcome. Go to Comment
Gragami
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-11-30 10:52 AM
Gragami's give off a Tyrannosaurus vibe, big mean dinosaurs. The section on myth and legend is too long, too many short paragraphs. The whole piece could greatly benefit from being tightened up and made more concise. Go to Comment
Gragami
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Murometz's comment on 2015-01-23 08:32 PM
Mokele-mbembe! Go to Comment
Gragami
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Silveressa's comment on 2008-12-25 06:36 AM
A nice in depth creature, complete with myth origins and a nice presentation. Quite lengthy however which is probably why so few comments as of yet. (I read it a while back but was out of votes at the time, then forgot to comment on it the next day)

I agree with Scras, the myth/legend area could stand to be shortened up a bit, but over all nicely done! Go to Comment
Gragami
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-07-05 10:10 PM
I also agree abt the length of the myth section, otherwise a good piece that is well written. Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Maggot's comment on 2008-11-18 11:42 PM
Guilty as charged. It's a good show though. Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Maggot's comment on 2008-11-21 06:00 AM
You're right. This smacks of the stuff that uber powered munchkin fantasies are made of. How could I have gone so wrong? Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
EchoMirage's comment on 2008-11-18 10:38 AM
Somebody has been watching Iron Man too much, right? Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-11-17 11:15 AM
Not a suit to use too often. Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Phaidros's comment on 2009-08-31 04:38 AM
It sounds quite overpowered, but it is a very imaginitive combination of magical fanasy and steampunk. I bet those industrialist of Avolle are trying their utmost to learn the secrets of these suits. Maybe the can produce a corrupted version, so you can have 'mecha-to-mecha' battle with a very original background? The 'turning-into-metal' bit sounds a little like what happened to von Doom in the first Fantastic Four movie (awfull, but spectacular). Maybe one of thuse warrior-shamans gets resentfull of his fate and turns against his fellows? Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-09 09:33 PM


Okay...it is a lot of iron man in the visuals of breakout. As for the over powered nature of the suit, that only assumes that no other force can come up with something comparable.



Overall though I really enjoyed reading this,



There are a lot of excellent turns of phrase



"Filling his awed mind with its sonorous baritone" for example.



and



some excellent world building.



I hope the following suggestions do not distract from my praise for this post...which I really enjoyed, thankyou for writing it.



If the author were to revisit this perhaps he could make the suits much more of a blend of mystics and mechanics then it is now. I would also change some of the structure of the story in a very minor ways that might smooth it out a bit. Mostly to make sure that every paragraph clearly explains its subject and does not ramble or rehash other topics. For example, when Dogath starts to have visions or whatever they are the author returns to descriptions of the Avolle crimes at against nature







"Unforgivably greedy, the accursed invaders had savagely dug vast, gaping holes in the flanks of the mountains, seeking to rob the Ragosi of as much iron ore as they could carry off."







We already know all this, rehashing distracts from the spirit voices and returns us to previous points.

Go to Comment
Total Comments:
839

Join Now!!




Fatal error: Call to undefined function top_menu() in /home/strolen/public_html/lockmor/application/views/citadel/vfooter.php on line 2