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The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
EchoMirage's comment on 2008-11-18 09:38 AM
Somebody has been watching Iron Man too much, right? Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-11-17 10:15 AM
Not a suit to use too often. Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Phaidros's comment on 2009-08-31 03:38 AM
It sounds quite overpowered, but it is a very imaginitive combination of magical fanasy and steampunk. I bet those industrialist of Avolle are trying their utmost to learn the secrets of these suits. Maybe the can produce a corrupted version, so you can have 'mecha-to-mecha' battle with a very original background? The 'turning-into-metal' bit sounds a little like what happened to von Doom in the first Fantastic Four movie (awfull, but spectacular). Maybe one of thuse warrior-shamans gets resentfull of his fate and turns against his fellows? Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-09 08:33 PM


Okay...it is a lot of iron man in the visuals of breakout. As for the over powered nature of the suit, that only assumes that no other force can come up with something comparable.



Overall though I really enjoyed reading this,



There are a lot of excellent turns of phrase



"Filling his awed mind with its sonorous baritone" for example.



and



some excellent world building.



I hope the following suggestions do not distract from my praise for this post...which I really enjoyed, thankyou for writing it.



If the author were to revisit this perhaps he could make the suits much more of a blend of mystics and mechanics then it is now. I would also change some of the structure of the story in a very minor ways that might smooth it out a bit. Mostly to make sure that every paragraph clearly explains its subject and does not ramble or rehash other topics. For example, when Dogath starts to have visions or whatever they are the author returns to descriptions of the Avolle crimes at against nature







"Unforgivably greedy, the accursed invaders had savagely dug vast, gaping holes in the flanks of the mountains, seeking to rob the Ragosi of as much iron ore as they could carry off."







We already know all this, rehashing distracts from the spirit voices and returns us to previous points.

Go to Comment
The Osaki
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2008-11-19 10:25 AM
Maggot - I think you need to look at the reception super-long subs seem to get here. I keep being reminded of that when I overbuild something.

I did not get the Iron Man reference (having not seen the movie), but I found the armor is simply too much. Being able to fire continuously for five hours???? Five minutes would be extreme in a roughly man-sized object.
15 hours flight time from ethenol?

I think this is a case where too much detail is provided. Magical jet packs with a 15-hour duration seems 'okay' to me, but when you mix in real-world terms like ethanol, it does not jive.

In short, it seems vastly too powerful for the drawback, which can be avoided simply by not using it often. And for that matter, many societies could find individuals more then willing to accept the penalties for becoming, for a short will, a god of destruction. Go to Comment
Sagron
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Strolen's comment on 2014-01-10 05:55 AM
Wow.

Could have almost been three submissions. Outstanding establishment of religions and forces at work in the world! Go to Comment
Sagron
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Maggot's comment on 2008-10-21 08:40 AM
And it's finally complete! The kraken with a taste for lobster. Go to Comment
Sagron
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Maggot's comment on 2008-10-21 09:14 PM
Not exactly. It was a random, unintended effect of casting a spell that was somewhat beyond the capability of the amethyst stones that he had. In order to get all the energy it needed, the spell leached away some of his own life energy. Hence the grey hide and rotting odour. The story has been updated to reflect this fact. Go to Comment
Sagron
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-10-21 10:23 AM
I see a few spelling errors, Sgaron, calm in place of claim, and that sort. Might need to spell check it again. I have a question, why did Sagron turn deathly in pallor and gain a rotten stench? Is he an undead kraken, or what? Go to Comment
Sagron
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-10-21 10:12 AM
I can see over the long term Ma-O's cult growing ever larger in that area, almost to the status of a religion in it's own right. 5/5 Go to Comment
Hourang
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Desert)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-10-16 11:25 PM
The first thing I thought of were the Urutan of FFXII, this impression was short lived, as the Hourang are quite a bit more advanced, and muc more lethal. Niecly done. Go to Comment
Hourang
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Desert)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-10-15 09:27 AM
Facist human locust mosquitos. Now they are genuinely a new race. Go to Comment
Hourang
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Desert)
Pariah's comment on 2008-10-19 07:35 PM
Wow Maggot... Go to Comment
Hourang
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Desert)
valadaar's comment on 2008-10-16 06:42 PM
Wow. Truly impressive Maggot! This is the best I have seen of your work! Well done! Go to Comment
Hourang
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Desert)
RGTraynor's comment on 2010-06-01 11:20 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Jurokang
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Water)
Maggot's comment on 2008-10-08 08:11 PM
That's a good idea. I think my next NPC will be an Acquan Kraken that has developed a taste for Jurokang flesh. Go to Comment
Jurokang
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Water)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-10-08 09:10 AM
Some of the paragraphs are overly long and chunky, and might want to check on the bold tags in the bottom of the submission. I like the reverence for the giant lobsters, and I can see a Clash of the Titans-esque scene between a hunting kraken and one of these beasts. Go to Comment
Jurokang
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Water)
EchoMirage's comment on 2008-10-08 04:39 AM
Well, you have to prepare the fireball-and-butter combo spell. Go to Comment
Jurokang
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Water)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-10-07 10:42 AM
If you try and eat that lobster, it might well eat you instead. Go to Comment
Jurokang
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Water)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-10-08 09:29 PM
I look forward to that. Go to Comment
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