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White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Maggot's comment on 2016-01-23 04:36 AM
Update: My sentient shark submission. I apologize for its inordinate length, but this is probably the most peculiar idea that I've worked with. Go to Comment
White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Maggot's comment on 2016-02-05 06:56 AM
Update: I really want to do a write up for the cult inspired by White Death. (And shamelessly borrow Muro's graphic imagery involving deranged cultists hacking off the hands of their victims). But that will have to wait until I'm done with the short story that I'm writing for the wizard themed E-Pub. Go to Comment
White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Murometz's comment on 2016-01-25 10:01 PM

Wow, this is long :)

Could easily have been broken down into several submissions. I'm not sure all these journal entries are necessary in this piece either. As a reader, I immediately guess where they are going. The tale itself is also rather straightforward but stretched out. It just seems like too many words are used to say, "Greedy guy forces Mage to summon sharks. Ma-O is attracted by the spectacle and magic. One shark is embued with demonic power. Shark becomes a terrible, sentient force that wants retribution and revenge against the two-legged ones that plunder the seas." Now I know that may sound like i'm taking a cheap shot--Anything long can be broken down into a quick synopsis--but Im not! I just think you could have told the same powerful tale with about 600-700 less words, if that makes any sense. As one small example, you don't need the sentence where you say, "a shark's teeth are meant to penetrate the blubber of sea mammals". We know :)

On the other hand, it seems you just gave up at the end with "Role-Playing Ideas" :) This is the part where so much more can be said! The Shark's ability to control the minds of humans needs be explored further! So many possibilities here!!

On to the good!

The concept is an awesome one. An Eco-Avenger from Hell on steroids! The story *is* engrossing, and I found myself transported to your visceral, watery world as usual! The shark itself is perfectly primal and terrifying. Love the fact that it affects the minds of humans. Love that a cult forms around it. The cult could be another sub! Love the creature's single-minded, relentless drive. Some great imagery and phrasing too!

Ok, this comment is now getting to long lol

Welcome back, Maggot! I do enjoy your aquatic madness!!

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White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Murometz's comment on 2016-01-25 11:46 PM
Ooooh! That's a great idea! Shark's perspective! Go to Comment
White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Murometz's comment on 2016-01-26 12:03 AM

More thoughts:

1. I just can't get this visual out of my head...the shark slowly cruising the murky bay at twilight. Fishermen, dock-workers, etc are going about their business. The shark begins to mentally dominate them...

2. The Cult! When they kill, they chop off arms at the elbows, to emulate shark-fin harvesting. They carve out livers and leave them nailed on walls for obvious reasons. They preach a "return to the sea" from where all creatures once came...

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White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
axlerowes's comment on 2016-01-25 11:09 PM
I love the approach you took with this, the journal entries and the complete "in world" perspective to both halves.


I have to agree with Muro. There was a lot extra verbiage that wasn't really descriptive, or at least didn't add anything to an already direct and competent description.

Suggestion: Redo the teaser, but from the shark's 1st person perspective. Go to Comment
White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
valadaar's comment on 2016-01-26 09:24 PM
I think there should have been two subs - the fiction this wants to be, and the creature others can use in their campaigns. Such a wealth of detail! Quite the work! Go to Comment
White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Moonlake's comment on 2016-02-05 10:38 PM
I had my suspicions with Val's comment and you just confirmed it :) Go to Comment
White Death
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Moonlake's comment on 2016-02-05 10:42 PM
I see an edit had been done to cut down on verbosity but the balance between the fiction and White Death itself is still a bit problematic. Like Val said, this is somehow screaming for separation into 2 subs, 1 being fiction and the other being White Death as an NPC. But the prose is really perfect. Go to Comment
Reaver Isle
Locations  (Area)   (Water)
Maggot's comment on 2014-05-21 12:31 AM
Update: My second addition to Decathros. As far as pirates go, this is not terribly original but I have done my best to put my own spin on a well-worn cliche. Go to Comment
Reaver Isle
Locations  (Area)   (Water)
Kassy's comment on 2014-06-25 11:04 AM
Rum! You have rum!?

Good sub Maggot :) Go to Comment
Reaver Isle
Locations  (Area)   (Water)
custos's comment on 2014-05-21 08:15 AM
Nice work, try to think about opposing factions and how they operate against the reavers. Go to Comment
The Vorrkush
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Underground)
Maggot's comment on 2013-02-21 09:27 AM
Update: still in work. Go to Comment
The Vorrkush
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Underground)
Maggot's comment on 2014-04-07 09:58 AM
Update: For Decathros. Go to Comment
The Vorrkush
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Underground)
Cheka Man's comment on 2014-04-08 12:52 PM
Interesting and truly alien creatures. Go to Comment
The Vorrkush
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Underground)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-11 12:40 PM
I was really torn on this one. But the reason I was conflicted as to what I thought about it, was because it is a really great idea that does not fall into mainstream sci-fi/fantasy,


Because it is so ambitious it feels incomplete. We get the biology of the creatures fairly well and we get their philosophy a little bit, but we don't get a true realization of their personalities or culture. So thus when THE LURKING FEAR comes into play and the SHADOWs OUT OF TIME created by the Vorrkush turns their victims into OUTSIDERs what kind of personality do they bring with them.

Are these Vorrkush philosophers you mentioned running around in human bodies or do the possessed just become drunken multiparous individuals (as they do in your examples)?

If this incompleteness is deliberate than I think perspective should be changed. Because right now their is an omniscient voice and that does justify the gaps in information.

Overall great idea, great addition to Decthros, thanks for writing it up. Go to Comment
The Warriors of Jove
Society/ Organizations  (Mystical)   (Local)
Maggot's comment on 2014-03-27 12:09 PM
Thanks for the vote! :) Go to Comment
The Warriors of Jove
Society/ Organizations  (Mystical)   (Local)
Maggot's comment on 2014-03-30 11:21 PM
You're right, Scras. This sub was actually somewhat inspired by a book on Vodoun that I was reading at the time. I've always found syncreitic religions to be fascinating. Also, thanks for the welcome, Kassy and Scras. It's good to be back. :) Go to Comment
The Warriors of Jove
Society/ Organizations  (Mystical)   (Local)
Scrasamax's comment on 2014-03-29 01:00 AM
Rather than a Knights Templar vibe, I was left with an impression of tribalism infused with outside faith, much akin to the Voodoun and Santeria cults in the Caribbean, but much more martial in nature, and zealous in faith. I see the anura painting themselves with war paints, but instead of old tribal patterns, they were symbols devoting themselves to Jove, and invoking his power and protection. I enjoyed this read very much, and good to see you back in the Citadel Maggot. Go to Comment
The Warriors of Jove
Society/ Organizations  (Mystical)   (Local)
Cheka Man's comment on 2014-03-27 02:55 AM
They remind me of the Knights Templar. 5/5 Go to Comment
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