Wow, this is long :)
Could easily have been broken down into several submissions. I'm not sure all these journal entries are necessary in this piece either. As a reader, I immediately guess where they are going. The tale itself is also rather straightforward but stretched out. It just seems like too many words are used to say, "Greedy guy forces Mage to summon sharks. Ma-O is attracted by the spectacle and magic. One shark is embued with demonic power. Shark becomes a terrible, sentient force that wants retribution and revenge against the two-legged ones that plunder the seas." Now I know that may sound like i'm taking a cheap shot--Anything long can be broken down into a quick synopsis--but Im not! I just think you could have told the same powerful tale with about 600-700 less words, if that makes any sense. As one small example, you don't need the sentence where you say, "a shark's teeth are meant to penetrate the blubber of sea mammals". We know :)
On the other hand, it seems you just gave up at the end with "Role-Playing Ideas" :) This is the part where so much more can be said! The Shark's ability to control the minds of humans needs be explored further! So many possibilities here!!
On to the good!
The concept is an awesome one. An Eco-Avenger from Hell on steroids! The story *is* engrossing, and I found myself transported to your visceral, watery world as usual! The shark itself is perfectly primal and terrifying. Love the fact that it affects the minds of humans. Love that a cult forms around it. The cult could be another sub! Love the creature's single-minded, relentless drive. Some great imagery and phrasing too!
Ok, this comment is now getting to long lol
Welcome back, Maggot! I do enjoy your aquatic madness!!Go to Comment
1. I just can't get this visual out of my head...the shark slowly cruising the murky bay at twilight. Fishermen, dock-workers, etc are going about their business. The shark begins to mentally dominate them...
2. The Cult! When they kill, they chop off arms at the elbows, to emulate shark-fin harvesting. They carve out livers and leave them nailed on walls for obvious reasons. They preach a "return to the sea" from where all creatures once came...Go to Comment