You are improving, I knew thatthis NPC was going to come up with a 'he got everything he wanted' ending, which would have been lame. I think it is good that he fell to the corruption of power, and I can see him being quite narcissitic and shallow, considering his rapid rise in ability.
Heh, I started GMing when I was ... duh, perhaps 15 or so... you should have seen how my NPCs sucked then. My adventures were miles after miles of dungeons - when I found the notes from back then during a cleanup, I tossed them out, embarassed.
From your posts, I see a desire to say a lot, but you tend to blurt it out in one breath - the ideas are good, but they need a second layer - the same way a piece of meat isa good thing, but is made much more appealing through the addition of seasoning,sauce, potatoees, a nice dish of salad and proper presentation.
The scrawny guy training under a master to become mighty is a staple of fiction, tried and good,but needs something to set him apart from all those karate kids and the like, something special.
Likewise, the griffon tamer is a nice idea, though its potential has not yet stirred, and lies dormant.
Things I like:
-An effort has been made to improve +1 point
Things I did not like:
-Eyes glow red in battle... red glowing eyes are a cliche. Other cliches too, like a zoo of a cast. -1 point
-Characters seem monodimensional and predictable, like they are all in their early teens. No depth, 8th grade conversations. -1 point
-The beginning character development seems improbable, like wish fulfillment for your personal secret dreams. +-0 points (balanced out by ending)
Good luck in the future Loki. I really want you to get a 4+ submission soon! Go to Comment
I do not consider your attempts at originality "pathetic" Loki! You are probably much, much, much better than I was at your age (depending on your age). I was the ultra-pathetic GM in my younger days; I was a munchkin, I loved monty haul, my NPCs were Mary Sues and the setting was like something cut and pasted from a lousy TSR (Nowadays WotC) novella.
Keep up the attempts, listen to feedback, even my harsh reviews, and remember that the other critics might not agree with me (or with Scras, or Moon, or whoever). Find your own niche, your own target audience and genre, and create stuff you like within that genre. Go to Comment
Yeah, it might have helped more if I added how old he was and what age all this happened at. I took out the little red eye part since I never could come up with an interesting reason why the glowed red. I also didn't want to over do his background story making it so long that you would lose interest. This was yet another pathetic attempt at me being original, I will edit this and yeah, I will keep trying for the four star post. Go to Comment
Yeah, I'm probably alot older then alot of people think. I'm 17. So I'm not exactly sure what the age range is around here but I met a guy 35 yrs old on here. Thanks Gamer I do value everyone's comments as they help me to get alittle better at my posts. Thank you all for your brutal and harsh honesty. Go to Comment
Extra character returns (two- one to end line and one to add a line break) to break up the paragraphs. It is hard to read this way.
The write up is disjointed and confusing. There is not a slow transition between ideas. Try reading your post out loud. Hear what you are saying. This will give you the idea of what needs to be changed.
yeah I wasn't even trying on this guy I was actually just watching a movie with my friends when I wrote this guy down so I barely spent anytime on him. I will edit this guy though. He was one of those pathetic thirty minute write up type of guys. Go to Comment
A bit munchkin. A vampire with one of these looses any villian background and becomes a superpowered junkie. Pouring out lava, acid, or molten gold is way too powerful. Imagine a never ending canteen of spider poision. Yikes!
If it was limited to potable fluids, juices, wines, milk and of course, water, it would be less over powerful.
You could balance it by letting each user only have access to a limited portion each day. Say about 3 gallons of whatever's inside. It's still never ending, because you can pour out more tomorrow, and you'll have enough to survive if it's water, but it won't be an instant artificial volcano.
Brace canteen in place, top down, un cork, vacate premisies. Go to Comment
When the campfires grow dim, stories are told. Stories of lost cities, great heroes and legends of old. One of these is the story of Knurlheim. Once the proud capital of the Dwarfs, now a ruin- abandoned long ago. Filled with vast riches and treasure. It’s secrets forgotten with the decline of the Dwarfs, long ago. No one knows is certain if it ever exsisted at all.