Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Lord Jeremy Vancarse
NPCs  (Campaign)   (Political)
Pieh's comment on 2010-09-14 06:34 AM
I liked the story on this one, but was left wanting more after it was finished. This story needs an ending, man! Go to Comment
Lord Jeremy Vancarse
NPCs  (Campaign)   (Political)
EchoMirage's comment on 2010-09-14 04:15 AM
As these submissions are intended as a game-master resource, you can write out what it is that is affecting the Lord. Also, what Infested-jerk said. Also, it might use more originality than "businessman driven mad by dark power". Go to Comment
Lord Jeremy Vancarse
NPCs  (Campaign)   (Political)
Ted's comment on 2010-09-13 11:10 PM
So I have a few questions:
How is Vancarse' insanity affecting the business he runs? Does he have lieutenants running the show, or is it collapsing?
Are the servants afraid to speak, or are they spreading word far and wide of the Lord's madness?

And a few thoughts:
If players don't immediately investigate, how is the Lord still alive? Does he find his own food, or is he dead, waiting for the maid to arrive?
How does Jeremy react to outside interaction?
Does anyone want Jeremy saved?
What is Jeremy like sane? Go to Comment
Lord Jeremy Vancarse
NPCs  (Campaign)   (Political)
Kinnyth's comment on 2010-09-14 06:15 AM
Goodbye everyone, this sites too critical for my tastes. I thought I would have some fun but eh whatever see ya. Go to Comment
The Grimoure Of Lost Souls
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Cursed)
Kinnyth's comment on 2010-09-14 06:16 AM
Goodbye everyone, this sites too critical for my tastes. I thought I would have some fun but eh whatever see ya. Go to Comment
The Blood Donor
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
EchoMirage's comment on 2010-09-14 04:07 AM
Please, do not clutter the main site with a dozen half-finished "request advice" submissions. Usually, it is better to finish one thing, then start another. Also, the forums are perchance better suited to discuss submissions that are less than 90% finished.
Go to Comment
The Blood Donor
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Fallen Angel's comment on 2010-09-14 08:02 PM
At least keep it to... three or four advice requested threads.

Don't listen to the first guy, he's too critical. Go to Comment
The Blood Donor
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Kinnyth's comment on 2010-09-14 06:16 AM
Goodbye everyone, this sites too critical for my tastes. I thought I would have some fun but eh whatever see ya. Go to Comment
Dark Ranger
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
Strolen's comment on 2011-04-27 01:54 PM


A very poetic and artsy feel to it all the way through. I think the meat is all that in the last paragraph. All the prose at the beginning sets the mood for me. If all that was missing than the two paragraphs could have been the cliche assassin post. However, the atmosphere changes that all and I absorb the facts with the prose and I see this turning into a bit more elegant assassin. An assassin bard would have been better than mixing it with a ranger in this case I think. :)



Writing is good! Wish there could have been more.


Go to Comment
Dark Ranger
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
Scrasamax's comment on 2011-04-27 02:37 PM
This had potential, maybe as an NPC rather than a job class. The writing was gripping if it was a bit confusing. As for the poetry, it is my sincere belief that all poetry is bad, and the bits of good poetry are entirely accidental Go to Comment
Dark Ranger
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
EchoMirage's comment on 2010-09-14 04:03 AM
Well, I have to criticize this:
*) The 'summary' has nothing to do with the submission.
*) The sub is more of a mood, less so an inspiring informative aarticle suitable for game-masters frequenting this page.
*) We're not system-specific -so while many of us may be familiar with DnD, it is still considered poor form to describe something as "a combination of ranger and assassin".
*) Assassins are overdone.
*) The 'poetry' could use some poetry - meter, rhyme, melody of speech. As it is, it's jumbled prose in italics. Go to Comment
Dark Ranger
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2011-09-15 02:59 PM
EchoMirage:
Imagine that you are cruising the internet.
Then you find a cool looking site.
Oooh, goodie! You think, and you start writing something, trying really hard to make it good.

Then someone skilled and experienced in the ways of the site comes along, and he puts your submission through the blades of the harvester, like you did...

Go to Comment
Dark Ranger
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2011-09-15 03:00 PM
Strolen:
Could we get a javascript alert box on first time submissions reviews?

"Warning: This is the first submission of X. We were all new once, so think before you criticize. Be gentle." Go to Comment
Dark Ranger
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
Kinnyth's comment on 2010-09-14 06:17 AM
Goodbye everyone, this sites too critical for my tastes. I thought I would have some fun but eh whatever see ya. Go to Comment
Dark Ranger
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
hylandpad's comment on 2011-08-22 03:04 PM


Well, if he hadn't left this might have turned into something good.



My only criticism is that he much more dark and assassin-esq than ranger-esq. There is no real mention of an affinity for the wild, any of the cliche animal empathy or other traits a ranger might have (other than the use of a ghillie suit.) I picture this character as more of a Commando-assassin character class, which could be kind of cool. I liked the use of knives - which added a nice touch, again, very assassinny. A blowgun is a good switch away from a bow, but another more exotic ranged weapon might be cool - maybe something made up just for this particular character class, like a Vertical-Mounted bowgun or something.


Go to Comment
The Plane Of Zardikan-Anther
Locations  (Other)   (Other)
EchoMirage's comment on 2010-09-14 04:25 AM
What are the origins of the two powers? What are they like, beside hating each other and one being evil for evil's sake and one being good beyond reproach (pure good and pure evil are incredibly shallow, by the way).
You also do not explain who sends the mages there to that plane, and why Zardikan never tried to use the connection to assault the other side.

Also, check the spelling, and break up huge blocks of text into paragraphs to make the text more legible. Some of the sentences are incomplete, too.
'A millennia' is wrong, as the singular is 'millennium', etc.

Plus, please finish one thing instead of dumping a dozen in-work ideas.



Go to Comment
The Plane Of Zardikan-Anther
Locations  (Other)   (Other)
Kinnyth's comment on 2010-09-14 06:17 AM
Goodbye everyone, this sites too critical for my tastes. I thought I would have some fun but eh whatever see ya. Go to Comment
The Land Of Anther, The Plane Of Zardikan-Anther
Locations  (Continent)   (Other)
Pieh's comment on 2010-09-11 05:09 PM
This is another one that feels very rushed and unfinished, and I'm really not sure what information you were trying to give the reader. Each short paragraph seems to contain the stub of an idea.
Go to Comment
The Land Of Anther, The Plane Of Zardikan-Anther
Locations  (Continent)   (Other)
Pieh's comment on 2010-09-11 08:22 PM
Hey, hey, now. No need to insult my imagination. I only meant to help. I can very well appreciate an open book, but yours feels like it's missing a few key pages. Don't make excuses for work you didn't finish. It won't get you far. We have a section called "Ideas" where you can submit short bit of inspiration meant to spur on the thought process. Right under "Input Submission" in the "Quick" drop-down menu. Your incomplete musings would be better there. Go to Comment
The Land Of Anther, The Plane Of Zardikan-Anther
Locations  (Continent)   (Other)
Cheka Man's comment on 2010-09-11 12:24 PM
As before, needs more work. Go to Comment
Total Comments:
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