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Harper King's Cup of Good Cheer
Items  (Home/ Personal)   (Magical)
Ramhir's comment on 2010-10-20 01:09 PM

Needs a background and a description. The magical effects are good. 2/5

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Saber Rat
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
ephemeralstability's comment on 2004-05-20 04:00 AM
Maybe you could be more specific about which artifact he recovered from the mountains. Or tell us who the wizard was, instead of just calling him "the wizard". How did he lose his fingers? I think this is part of what people mean by vague. It's a good start, though.

ephe! Go to Comment
Saber Rat
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CaptainPenguin's comment on 2004-05-19 10:50 PM
Ugh. I don't know if "gem" is the word to apply to it, but...
First of all, separate the paragraphs. It makes it easier to read, and makes it seem longer, and thus, more impressive (I know, I know, that's cheating. Shut up.).
The backstory seems a little... I don't know. Vague is not the word... I couldn't tell you what it is, but it's missing something. It's not compelling. It doesn't present anything terribly unique.
However, like Shadow said, the nickname bit was good thinking.
It's not terrible, though. I see no glaring grammatical and spelling errors. It is not that cliched. It doesn't seem bad, but once again, I can't put my finger on exactly why. *Shrug*

So, I'll give it a...

3/5. Go to Comment
Saber Rat
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Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-05-19 08:29 PM
Interesting. A bit on the short side, and rough around the edges, however.

I'd give this a 2.5, but since I cannot give that, I'll give it 3. This is like a newly mined gem. With a bit of refining and care, this character could shine, in my opinion.

Additionally, I like the nickname given from the real name.

3/5 Go to Comment
Saber Rat
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Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-05-20 08:48 PM
even if the past is supposed to be hidden, or if nobody knows of the past, you should still fill in the background, because DMs should have a right to know what they are dealing with. Plus if people who know this character don't know the past, they won't be able to roleplay him properly, based on his life. :)
Either way, think on your posts and keep up the good work ;) Go to Comment
Saber Rat
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
Iain's comment on 2004-05-20 04:15 AM
I agree with the others above. A good start and it definitely seems to have potential but yes - something is missing that would make it truly compelling (not sure exactly what).

Another possibility of making it less "vague" (to continue the usage of that word, for lack of a better) would be to mention how he got his flaming sword and fireproof cloak, or why he favours such a fiery way of combat. Overall though 3/5: it's good. Go to Comment
Saber Rat
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
Jazzman's comment on 2004-05-20 01:57 PM
Yeah, his story is a little vague, but that's because he tends to be among the last standing, isn't too many left around to fill in the facts.
Of course he lost his fingers when he was caught as a thief; the wizard didn't think the attempt should go entirely unpunished.
He favors a fiery way of combat, because, being a little on the short side, he likes to be noticed.
He'll be rounded out more later Go to Comment
Saber Rat
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2013-04-25 11:37 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
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Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-18 02:38 AM
The fundamental idea is there (and as far as the bg goes, it's okay, but the way it's written makes things seem abrupt) but I can't give it a 3 because the amount of details given doesn't support such a score.
*Commented on for the Commenting Challenge
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       By: StrangeLands

A great treasure has been stolen from the Palace and taken to the nearby Temple to the Bitch-Goddess Atrath Klee. The King demands that the party go and retrieve it - the only snag is that the Temple is guarded by potent magic that will kill any male who steps inside. It's just as well that the King has a stash of Girdles of Gender Alteration for just this circumstance.

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