Lovecraftian monsters aren't really my cup of tea, but you did a splendid job on this one. It seems well-balanced, and a good GM could play it up beautifully. Your writing is chock-full of vivid sensory details that really bring this thing to life. Rarely have I seen a beastie described so well -- especially with senses other than sight. 4.0 + 0.5 for the excellent sensory descriptions. Go to Comment
I have to say I really like the concept of Zala Vacha, the forgotten gods collective. At first, I read that and thought that this singular deity is a representation of several (or many) long forgotten gods no longer worshipped. Which also might be an interesting idea.
I also like the fact that the worshipers of Mondaloa seek not to destroy the undead per se, but to also allow for the dead to truly and properly "rest in peace"..
This is well written and evokes the proper tone and atmosphere for the subject matter (cities beneath cities, and countless undead). It almost feels like a classic dungeon-crawl, except its draped with a fresh and stimulating approach.
Exceptionally well written. A nice new take on the undead, and the god of death also.
OT: I notice my level has been reset to 1. Yet I have kept my xp and submissions. Is there a way for this to be fixed? Or will it reset itself naturally when the server next updates. Presumably it will be the latter, but I thought I should ask just to be on the safe side. Go to Comment
I like the idea of the undead being treated differently, with respect. That made a nice change.
No criticism as such, except for that part where you used "Deeper in," as a sentence starter twice in a row. That irked me for some reason. The second sentence could perhaps have been differently worded. Maybe; "Delving even further into the catacombs..." or something like it?
I think I like the "quadruplets embodying different values" (the same super-consciousness thing might go well with this, the quadruplets might be all inheriting different parts of the alien mindset of the Cursed Lady, for example.) and opposite gender switching body ideas, not so keen on the "linked, quadripartite organism" thing. The rest of the bunch, I'm so-so.
And btw, I sort of like OmegaDraco's suggestion on the reversing each other's deed thing. Like you said, if they cycle ppl b/w them, then it might get harder and harder to get a reaction from those ppl whose lives are 'constantly' thrown in ups-and-downs. But maybe in those cases, somehow the emotions fed to the twins thru this sort of ppl are more nourishing to the twins. I'm just throwing ideas around, btw.
Overall, I think I'm seeing some potential for this sub. I quite like the new twist you present on the "good twin, evil twin" myself- the emotion feeding aspect is quite nice, so don't give up easily if you feel you can take it somewhere. Go to Comment
What if they could fuse together? No, that's even more super-lame.
What about instead of "twins with guardian monsters", it's "quadruplets embodying different values" on the bestial/civilized and pleasure-loving/pain-loving axes?
What if they were all part of the same super-consciousness?
What if the twins/quadruplets were born disembodied, and needed to find host bodies to fulfill their goals?
What if we abandon the whole good/evil thing and just make it a linked, quadripartite organism composed of identical quadruplets? (eh, seen it before).
what if the twins are opposite genders, share a body, and switch from one to the other every full moon? The Nastrobeast is something more sinister--it's the dominant one in the relationship, and it drives the Nastro to his/her extremes?
Are any of these good ideas?
Should I just scrap the whole thing? Don't be shy about calling rubbish rubbish.
This is a really cool idea. There are quite a few grammatical errors, but I still got the idea. I especially like the twist that the "good" nastro is more or less a happiness-monger who will bring pleasure and happiness to others in the short term without any consideration for the long term consequences. Very nice manifestations of true Chaotic Good and Chaotic Evil.
Some questions for you:
1. What is a nastro? You describe its motivations and its siblings, but what does it look like? Is a nastro just a cosmically mutated human that is otherwise normal?
2. What creature gives birth to two nastros and two snub-nosed, alligator-faced, gorillas in a single birthing? Could this be the consequence of rape by a specific type of demon?
3. Yin and Yang. Do the nastros feed off of reversing the deeds caused by each other? One feeds off of providing happiness, and the other feeds off of causing sadness. The two could infinitely feed off of tipping the scale back and forth. This could easily explain why the nastros stay near to and protect each other because there is no better source for them to feed.
4. How do the nastros manage a normal life with a nastrobeast following them around?
5. Since the nastros are so interconnected, what would happen to one if the other should die?
6. What would happen to a nastrobeast if its nastro died?
7. Do the nastrobeasts share the same intuition as the nastros? Do they know when either of the nastros are in trouble and come to the rescue? With the "good" nastrobeast ever help the "evil" nastro?
8. If two "evil" nastros met, would they join forces for mutual benefit? Since they feel the emotions around them, the most attractive place for an "evil" nastro would be the target of another "evil" nastro. Do the "good" nastros work the same way? Go to Comment
I agree with the author with the underlying idea of these creatures being somewhat 'mundane' but still, the write-up is excellent. I especially like the blockquote, it sets the tone for the piece really well. Go to Comment
It's very hard to create new forms of undead, they're such generic creatures. Undead who make cures for poisons, in the settings I know of, undead are normally immune to poison anyways, so why would they need cures?
The subject wasn't all that original, reminds me of Harry Potter in some ways. It did however earn an extra .5 because it was well-written. Go to Comment