It took me 3/4 of the submission to finally clear my confusion and when the fog lifted, I smiled. Aside from needing a bit of polish, (spelling and formatting) the post is pretty darn solid. Gives me some world knowledge explaining the need for the Shadow of Fists (which would be a great post too) and justifies the creation of the book. Giving it a bit extra because I enjoyed the way everything tied itself up at the end. Go to Comment
The way I read it is that the assassins, and the book, were defined by the war so to kill a magician is simply a contract against a powerful enemy, not so much anti-magic but taking out the opposite powers. Go to Comment
It seems okay. Just okay.
The story behind it and all that is good... But where did the Shadow of Fists come from? Is their motivation money? Saving the townsfolk? Ending the war? Stability? Hatred of wizards? What is it about for them?
Skip the stats and the dice numbers and all that business, we are a non-system site.
Also, for such a well-named and described item, the actual trap of it (a bear trap?) seems kind of... I dunno', mundane. Ridiculous, even. Sure, the wizard now has no hands and is bleeding; but I think it would be more interesting if the book somehow trapped the wizard's soul or something of that nature. I dunno', maybe I'm just full of bad ideas.
A change of formatting (extra lines between paragraphs), some grammar and spelling fixes, and a few more explaining details (who, what, where, when, why...) and this would be an awsome post.
I am a little less enamored by the DC game mechanics. You need to give a generic explanation of the difficulty, using comparisons, not all of us play D20 (or understand it). In short give us a description of the difficulty in English, then maybe add some game mechanics. Or put the game mechanics as an extra appendix at the end of the write up. After all such a write up as "Gurps and Hero would use a DEX-4 MOD, with bonuses for lightning reflexes or quickdraw. This probably makes as much sense to you, as yours did to many others.
Basically a bear trap with a series of illusions cast on it to make it look like a magical tome and a lot of rumours to attract enemy wizards
Cool idea – that gets you 4/5 before we even start
The backstory is not bad but I would like a little more info about the Ruyin Isham – so only a ½ point bonus (would have given you 1 point if the assassins were better explained)
As stated by others: spelling (even taking into account American rather than English spellings), grammar and layout made it a little difficult to read and the d20 specific game stats are unnecessary (we like to be all system here so try to translate effects into English descriptions)
In of themselves neither of these are major problems, but together I think they add up to a ½ point penalty
So final score is 4 (for a neat idea) + ½ (for a reasonable backstory) – ½ for layout = 4/5
Extra for first post. It is a fairly good first submission. Thank you for not requiring me to post up the traditional 5 things you need to do to make a submission work.
A few more "rounding details" that help express the history/ back story of the items would make this submission "pop". The write up of the weapon itself is fine. Good job. Bask in the glory. Now post some more.
Not bad Fearghus, but keep an eye on the spelling, there are more than a few misspells in the first paragraph. There are a few words that have been run together as well, so an extra moment with a spellchecker would be a good thing to try!
The item isnt bad, but I would like to know more about these sturdy foes that the elves were tenderizing, and why they decided to use the mauls rather than the traditional bow and sword. Go to Comment
The reason the Quicksilver was listed under magic is because I felt it was an interesting way to add the pluses to the warhammer. I purposely left the exact number bonus vague to allow DM leeway. Go to Comment