A good, solid effort, and I will dutifully avoid the whole 'prose' issue. Instead, I'll point to my major difficulty with this. That being the whole "no context" issue. It takes me some time to get into what you are trying to talk about because I don't know that the Kiranti are a race. Likewise the Daumar don't show up for quite some time but they're somehow central to the point.
What I am trying to say is there's really no context given for how this all fits together. Lots of veiled references (like mentioning the earth that was) but no explanation for it all.
But like I said, good, solid effort and I can see a good diplomatic Bab 5 kind of campaign coming out of it.
PS though I have to say, I am REALLY curious to know if the Kiranti have some secret, long term, plan to get their enemies and allies to eliminate one another...