The lights that were in the cliche wizard's tower, what were they? I can understand them being side effects of the creation process. Or, a great battle between Tetrek and the wolfkin, but it's not clear.
I also had a problem like this when I joined, I wanted to make demonic werewolves that only had the hybrid form. Luckily, I didn't finish it, I just logged out with out saving it.
Although I've read it before I forget what it was like. From what the comments said it did have a lot of flaws but most of them are now gone.
All in all, I think that it's an okay submission that could be used but not often, though one of them as a character would be cool. Go to Comment
Drackler, just ask "why?" to every part of your write up. When the answer that occurs to you is cool, add that to the article.
As an example, your description indicates that... These creatures are the bizarre creation of the mad wizard Tetrek. He created them by genetically fusing a wolf, a human, and a demon. After they were created, the wolf-kin killed their master as is their nature, for they do have demon blood in them. However, they have since learned to master their instincts to survive.
This leads me to wonder:
Why did Tetrek create them?
How was he mad? Was he "I want to take over the World!" mad, or merely "I'll show those door-to-door religious nuts what happens when you wake ME up on Saturday morning!" mad?
Why did he fuse wolves, humans, and demons? They don't seem to have any particulrly useful qualities from these creatures.
Why would the PC's want a mysterious potion that is being made in the woods. (i'd be a little suspiscious myself)
Wouldn't it be less suspiscious for "stupidname" to simply lie to the PC's and tell them that he is brewing a powerful healing potion?
Why is he making potions that create monsters. If he is researching, what is the study of his experiment, if he is trying to create super monsters to sell, then what kind of mutations is he searching for, and if he wants personal power, how does he expect to control the monsters?
Most importantly however, is the fact that you seem to require being led by the nose to answer even the most basic requirements of a plot/story/item. You need to start thinking of these things on your own.
When you think of a good idea, you also need to think about what made it come about, not just what the reality is, and then, what would the effects of that be. There is a logical progression of cause and effect, and you should be aware of that progression the first time you post. Go to Comment
Okay, you are still posting the same problem submission and people are giving a great deal of gentle advice.
That hasn't worked as well as I would of hoped. Though there is still hope
You need to edit this and all your posts.
First I want you to read a few posts here and see what their scores are. In fact, check the category you want to post it, click the "highest rated" and see what those are like.
Do you see the differences between your posts and those?
Your ideas are okay. Your premises are okay. Your execution is sub par.
Could you please spend a bit more time on your posts. You need to flesh them out some more, filling in description and answering obvious questions about the items in point. I don't need colorful stories and cool turns of phrase (though it would be nice). Simple, clear, narritive, is all you need. Answer all the basic questions: Who is involved, What is happening and what is the item involved, where and when did all this take place, and why did the people involved do what they did. Answer those and your post will be higher scoring.
The average submission here takes a minimum of 30 minutes worth of work. Yours seems slapped up in about 5. That implies that you don't care about your posts or the people who read them. I am not sure this is the case with you. So please, a bit more effort and work on your posts.
You are ignoring many rules of grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. An extra space after a comma (or other punctuation) would be nice as well. It makes your post seem "childish". Spell Check, either using our spell check (or checking your posts and pasting them in) would do wonders to stop knee jerk reactions to your work. So far everyone is trying to be nice both nice and helpful... but your grace period is running out... so we are soon only going to be helpful.
If English is not your primary language, let us know and we can help.
Feel free to check the general good guidelines 1272 posted here. You will see much of the same advice people have been giving you has been sumarized here.
The scenario as you put it is more like a cliff note summary of something. There are not a great deal of details here for people to do much with. This can be a pretty good post, if you just took the time and did it right. Go to Comment
Also why would anyone, who finds out what the potion is, want to become a monster... you know universally feared by all, unable to go to town/ villages/ cities, hunted by NPC heroes and local militaries, and so on. In short, big plot hole.
Besides, if anyone in the local political structure (like the local lord) had been having problems with monsters... you would take yon hobbit and his potion caldron, take them to the Lord and earn not only his gratitude, but a large reward. Go to Comment
And now you know why I do not like Barbarian Horde Posts.
It is free reign for someone to either be slanderous, mean, idiotic, or just act like a 12 year old, because there is no accountability.
This person could of been a regular member even, who did not want to be thought of as mean or nasty. You don't know. Sure a barbarian could just create an account, post something, then abandon the account, but really... they don't put that much effort into it all.
This isnt without merit, i like the idea of a Potion of Monsterous Aspect, may write that up myself later. However there are alot of questions to be answered.
1. Who is this halfling mage? Not many of the hobbits take to the arts of brewing potions and such. Who is he, give us a little detail. Even if it is just naming him Bumfinger Hobbitsnot, a little can go a long way.
2. Why is he brewing potions in the woods? Most mages have laboratories and special places for brewing and enchanting.
3. Why are the robbers trying to steal the potion? Did Bumfinger cheat them when he paid them for spell components, or do they just want to knock him down and steal his pot of goo?
4. Why will he let the PCs have some of the potion, but not tell them what it is? If they Fang-Out, they could be rather well equipped to evicerate Bumfinger Hobbitsnot.
5. The Idea of the Halfling Brewmaster is a good one for a benefactor, but if he is brewing potions alone in the woods, what does he have to offer?
There are thousands of possibilites, but it would be great if we could have a couple to start us off. Go to Comment
The "stupidname" comment was unnecessary, I will give you that, but the rest seems purty okay with me. I may be hardened by the fact that I have seen a lot worse, but still... I think BH meant this seriously, but got a little carried away with his criticism. Go to Comment
Pseudo intellectual pedantic babble is a pain! It hounds roleplaying circles like a rabid dog out of Hades. You should have visited the norwegian roleplaying forums... There some prominent persons spend their time basking in the sad fact that they are leading personages in the roleplaying community of a very, very minor nation. To these quasi intellectuals, pedantic babble is a natural state and their excessively long debates on this or that utterly boring and uninteresting aspect of roleplaying theory will certainly make you want to consider suicide, or more probably homocide.
No, I am not targetting the helpful Strolenites here. I am targetting roleplaying theory pedantic babblers. People trying to be important, while in fact they are seriously and utterly boring! Go to Comment
Maybe he's brewing out in the woods because what he's brewing is illegal. He could be a moonshiner, making illegal alchohol, part time.
I agree that not telling them is a bad idea. I know that if I was in an abandoned piece of woods, and I was stupid enough to drink from an unknown person's cauldron, and then I sprouted wings, claws, and a really bad temper I wouldn't hold back. In fact I'd probably be taking the hobbit with me until I washed the blood/guts off of me.
Also, maybe the robbers are after the potion cuase they know what it does. And they want some of it so they can harrass poor, cuddly adventurers. Go to Comment
you'd be suspicious? yeah, so? ever hear of pc curiousity?
the "stupidname" comment is just stupid...take a look at some 4.5 and 5 vote posts BH, and you'll see that names here at Strolens run the gamut. It would have been much nicer to simply say, You weren't crazy about the name!
Your third paragraph I have no issue with.
Fourth paragraph is once again, unnecessarily cruel!
Use your powers of perception for chrissakes! Does this look like it will ever be a masterpiece? Obviously not!...but there's no reason for these type of comments. You may think your "helping" the guy get better, but you are simply deriding him, and extinguishing his enthusiasm!
See Scrasamax' and Moon's comments above for whats known as "constructive criticism"
If you feel like Drackler isnt "learning"...then simply let it go!
Sorry, but this is getting me riled up! Leave the guy alone! He's young, he's new, and at least he's semi-trying. And he happens to be a nice guy to boot! Go to Comment
its the phrases he uses..."led by the nose" being my main pet peeve!
No matter how many paragraphs of pseudo-intellectual pedantic babble is posted on this sub, its obvious by now, that this one is what it is!
AG- your a human nature buff right? It just pisses me off, that its so much more pleasurable for some people to look down from high above and try to "educate" others and sounding needlessly pompous, while being anonymous no less!
GRRRR...ok counting to ten slowly...feeling better. I'll stop now. :P Go to Comment