A huge improvement, Drackler! Now it makes a proper seed for a small race.
Their background is what it is... it seems hard to prevent those mad wizards from creating things that kill them. At least they turned out to be a relatively benign species. One thing I would consider doubtful is the relationship with werewolves. If there are any around, their differences should provoke something... one the one side, there can be a deep understanding between the two, making natural allies, should such a need arise. On the other hand, they could see werewolves as flawed and unstable creatures, jumping between two imperfect states. They also have the same diet. I would imagine a Wolfkin could recognize a werewolf even in human form. Go to Comment
Okay, even as a minor race, post goes, this one is lacking. So lets go through the points.
Spelling, Punction, Grammar, and Capitalization: PASS
The full description is short. It does not give you a real feel for the critters. Except maybe that they are rip offs from White Wolf's WWtA oh and they have black fur. do they have yellow eyes? are they pink? And do they have tails?
WOLVES DO NOT HAVE RETRACTABLE CLAWS. NOR DO ANY CANINE. This is one of the many points that seperates them from felines or other carnivores. Make them some other furry creature if you must have this feature.
They hunt in packs like wolves, and eat there meat raw. While they can live in any area, they prefer mountains, or forests.
Okay. This is not part of the physical description. It should be in another section. Packs of how many? Fine, they eat the meat raw. Why do they prefer mountains or forests (didn't need that middle comma).
Sometimes they are mistaken for werewolves, they are not, although they have many of the same traits.
A pointless waste of letters. Why are they mistaken for werewolves? Is it just because they look like them? (can not tell this exactly the description) Do they transform? What traits do they have that are the same (besides a vaguely lupine appearance)?
These creatures are the bizarre creation of the mad wizard Tetrek. He created them by genetically fusing a wolf with a human, and injecting the product with the blood of a demon. Okay, odd but okay.
After they were created, the Wolfkin killed their master as is their nature, for they were still half-wolves, not to mention the fact that they have demon blood in them. Awkward sentence. Wolves don't kill their masters. Demons do. Are these things really that violent? Do they kill each other? Nothing you said before this make it seem that they are anything more than a predator.
However, they have since learned to master their instincts.
How and why? Found good monks? Found religion. Just woke up one day and said... I am sentient... I should not be Evil?
The Wolkin society consist of one ruler, probably the largest or strongest So they don't know? How is the ruler choosen: Choosen by trial by combat, personal according, a fashion show?
, from three to ten nobles, and anywhere from thirty to three hundred workers or commoners.
So there are only 350 of them? Why do they need nobles? Really why? And do these predators Farm? Do they Herd? Do they use items, because nothing said before even implied that they were anything other than slightly smart, humanoid animals. So do they have tents, they don't cook, do they use knives? Is there one tribe? Many Tribes? Those are pretty darn huge tribes?
Okay. Scrap this and start over. Take a look at the good examples of species descriptions... including the minor races in the minor race thread. The only ones that got away with such a short listing are the ones that were basically twists/ new interpretations on known races. Go to Comment
To Nobody: No problem.. I am perfectly okay with reading of the riot act. Did you not catch my first post? His grace period has ended, it is now sink or swim. Checka just was edging towards the personal, which is a line we should not approach let alone cross.
As to the point at hand, we could drop most of his posts into the ideas area, as that is where they are best found and fit in terms of size.
Drackler: I need you to read some posts in the Lifeforms section. You are just not meeting the minimum standards for details or ideas that we have on the site. Minor races thread might give you the minimum example of what you should have for a race 1150.
You truly need to meet the Gold Standard If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work. That is what you should aim for.
If your item/ npc/ plot/ setting is not as well described and developed as something you would find in a published fantasy novel (excluding most DnD licensed novels), then it is not equal to the gold standard and needs work.
This standard is really not that hard to meet. New members often meet it on their first or second try. You do not need to be a professional writer, you just need to put a little effort into doing it right.
You need to work on the level of completeness for your posts. Your posts needs to tell us nearly everything about the subject. You should strive for items that are generic, rather than dependent on a specific setting or campaign. While being vague can help make the item more "generic", you need to "imply" the answers. (For example: while my game might not have Rykor the BloodSlayer, I can figure out an approximate match "The most dreaded demon riding Dark Knight in history.") Implied answers act as guidelines for the GM/ Player adapting the post.
To be complete, your post needs to answer; "Who is involved?", "What is happening (and where and when)?" and "How and why things occur?". If it is an item or setting then include: What is the item/place? and What can it do?
Details are not as important as completeness. Read your post. Is there anything that someone (who doesn't know your campaign and the backstory) might have a question about? If you find such a question, edit the write up and include the answer to that question. Keep reading your post until you have answered every question (including ones that seem really stupid... there are a lot of really stupid people out there).
The best way to meet these goals: Effort! Put some thought into your post. Take your time putting the post into print. Taking time to do a post right shows you care not only about your audience and yourself, but you care about the thing you are posting about. If you aren't spending a minimum of 15 to 30 minutes on the post, it will probably be abused and low rated. Most of us spend 45 to 60 minutes on a post. Remember, you will spend more time actually thinking about your post before you put it up, if you want to do it right.
Remember that you can edit your post, so if you find something wrong, go back and fix it. Go to Comment
I caught the edit. It is a vast improvement over the original submission. Is it worthy of a better score? Only nominally. At least the write up is not obviously a failure like the last.
PLEASE READ MY POST ABOVE. Go ahead. I will wait.
This write up is a foot note. There is not enough information here to really use them for anything more than 4 hit dice critter made to be maimed by PCs. This is the write up of a monster fodder.
It is a minor race write up where you have not linked it to that codex. If they are more than just walking thaco and hitpoints, they need a little history and some depth.
So are they a step above animals? Use tools? Make them or steal them? Make housing or did dens? What are their groupings like? Animals packs, tribes, anarchy?They killed their creator, what have they been doing since? Are they monster roaming the countryside? Do they avoid civilization? Would you find them living about a city as a mercenary company?
In short, one and a half points above the last version, simply because that version was a 0. Since the minimum vote is one, you have only gained .5. Go to Comment
Drackler, this is an espescially poor post. You'r posts are normally: short, undetailed, incomplete, but still, at heart, good ideas.
This post isn't even a good Idea.
Basically, all you have done is re-created wolf-men and given them some demon blood. I am unimpressed. You have not added anything that makes these Wolfkin unique or worth mentioning. I mean, Honestly, what is the point.
There are so many ways that you could have set these creatures apart from everything else in Fantasy, but you have not.
I have to date, given only two submissions the low score of 1.0.
Yes moonhunter, you are right, but he has to learn. I have tracked every single post he has made, and not yet has he shown that he is growing. This latest Idea was longer than his other posts, but it was not enough.
He could have added something wierd about the society and structure, he could have added something unusual about the way that they choose prey. He could have added nearly anything that made these creatures unusual as monsters and I would have credited him with a good idea.
As you said, his grace period has run out. He spent maybe fifteen minutes on this, and that is probably an overestimation. I don't think that he is trying.
Drakler, at the very least, you could post some of your incomplete ideas as in work submissions and ask for help. I would be the first to offer ideas. Instead you have thrown rough drafts up as finished products even after repeated advice that tells you that they would need more work. You have seen what we grade highly and no longer have the excuse of not knowing what is encouraged, and, dare I say it, expected.
We want you to contribute, but not if you are unwilling to put effort into your work. No more retroactive improvement. Ask for help BEFORE you submit them. Then you will get a grade that you can be proud of.
This may sound harsh, but you need to hear it from somewhere.
The lights that were in the cliche wizard's tower, what were they? I can understand them being side effects of the creation process. Or, a great battle between Tetrek and the wolfkin, but it's not clear.
I also had a problem like this when I joined, I wanted to make demonic werewolves that only had the hybrid form. Luckily, I didn't finish it, I just logged out with out saving it.
Although I've read it before I forget what it was like. From what the comments said it did have a lot of flaws but most of them are now gone.
All in all, I think that it's an okay submission that could be used but not often, though one of them as a character would be cool. Go to Comment
Drackler, just ask "why?" to every part of your write up. When the answer that occurs to you is cool, add that to the article.
As an example, your description indicates that... These creatures are the bizarre creation of the mad wizard Tetrek. He created them by genetically fusing a wolf, a human, and a demon. After they were created, the wolf-kin killed their master as is their nature, for they do have demon blood in them. However, they have since learned to master their instincts to survive.
This leads me to wonder:
Why did Tetrek create them?
How was he mad? Was he "I want to take over the World!" mad, or merely "I'll show those door-to-door religious nuts what happens when you wake ME up on Saturday morning!" mad?
Why did he fuse wolves, humans, and demons? They don't seem to have any particulrly useful qualities from these creatures.
Why would the PC's want a mysterious potion that is being made in the woods. (i'd be a little suspiscious myself)
Wouldn't it be less suspiscious for "stupidname" to simply lie to the PC's and tell them that he is brewing a powerful healing potion?
Why is he making potions that create monsters. If he is researching, what is the study of his experiment, if he is trying to create super monsters to sell, then what kind of mutations is he searching for, and if he wants personal power, how does he expect to control the monsters?
Most importantly however, is the fact that you seem to require being led by the nose to answer even the most basic requirements of a plot/story/item. You need to start thinking of these things on your own.
When you think of a good idea, you also need to think about what made it come about, not just what the reality is, and then, what would the effects of that be. There is a logical progression of cause and effect, and you should be aware of that progression the first time you post. Go to Comment
Okay, you are still posting the same problem submission and people are giving a great deal of gentle advice.
That hasn't worked as well as I would of hoped. Though there is still hope
You need to edit this and all your posts.
First I want you to read a few posts here and see what their scores are. In fact, check the category you want to post it, click the "highest rated" and see what those are like.
Do you see the differences between your posts and those?
Your ideas are okay. Your premises are okay. Your execution is sub par.
Could you please spend a bit more time on your posts. You need to flesh them out some more, filling in description and answering obvious questions about the items in point. I don't need colorful stories and cool turns of phrase (though it would be nice). Simple, clear, narritive, is all you need. Answer all the basic questions: Who is involved, What is happening and what is the item involved, where and when did all this take place, and why did the people involved do what they did. Answer those and your post will be higher scoring.
The average submission here takes a minimum of 30 minutes worth of work. Yours seems slapped up in about 5. That implies that you don't care about your posts or the people who read them. I am not sure this is the case with you. So please, a bit more effort and work on your posts.
You are ignoring many rules of grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. An extra space after a comma (or other punctuation) would be nice as well. It makes your post seem "childish". Spell Check, either using our spell check (or checking your posts and pasting them in) would do wonders to stop knee jerk reactions to your work. So far everyone is trying to be nice both nice and helpful... but your grace period is running out... so we are soon only going to be helpful.
If English is not your primary language, let us know and we can help.
Feel free to check the general good guidelines 1272 posted here. You will see much of the same advice people have been giving you has been sumarized here.
The scenario as you put it is more like a cliff note summary of something. There are not a great deal of details here for people to do much with. This can be a pretty good post, if you just took the time and did it right. Go to Comment
Also why would anyone, who finds out what the potion is, want to become a monster... you know universally feared by all, unable to go to town/ villages/ cities, hunted by NPC heroes and local militaries, and so on. In short, big plot hole.
Besides, if anyone in the local political structure (like the local lord) had been having problems with monsters... you would take yon hobbit and his potion caldron, take them to the Lord and earn not only his gratitude, but a large reward. Go to Comment