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The thirst for return
Plots  (Hired)   (Campaign)
Wulfhere's comment on 2007-04-06 08:42 PM
Drackler, I recommend that you put this into "In Work" and specifically solicit advice from some of the old hands around here. What you have so far isn't bad, but it could be a great adventure with a bit of tweaking. Go to Comment
The thirst for return
Plots  (Hired)   (Campaign)
Wulfhere's comment on 2007-04-06 09:28 PM
Your plot has some interesting parts, but also has a few holes and a few clichés. Addressing these will make it a much more exciting adventure.

First: The PCs receive a message asking that they come to a village to slay a dragon/horrendous monster. Presumably, Therogga Thorn does this to lure them into his trap. Problem Point: The “Guy that hires us but secretly wants to kill us” is an ancient and timeworn plot device. I’d skip it and let the PCs be contacted by a mage in the village who gets himself killed fighting the horror before they arrive. Second Problem: Most campaigns should avoid “random” dragons. If dragons are to be kept as awesome and horrifying creatures of legend, there shouldn’t be any destroying nameless towns as flunkies for some mage. A good substitute might be a group of Wyverns or the like: Beasts much like dragons, but not having quite the same mystique.

Then, how do they get the idea that they should be following this Therroga guy? I’d recommend that the mage in town leave a battered journal telling what happened: Perhaps Therroga tried to extort tribute from the village (“Yield five children to be mine, or my scaly minions will slay you all!”) and only attacked when they refused his terms.

So, the heroes trail the villain to his classy marble fortress (“Look at the sculptures, Sven!”), brawling with his werewolf buddy and undead minions on the way. There, the creep must elude them, leading them to an abyssal realm. Problem Point: It can be frustrating to almost have the bad guy, only to get hit by his traps as you try to pursue him. You don’t want to aggravate your players that way. I’d suggest that he already went below, but some of his undead flunkies are talkative and give away where he went (“You will never reach the MAaasterrrr! He is already in the realm of Kranara, preparing to free the demon princccceeee!”) as they duke it out with the PCs.

The idea of playing abyssal politics is one of the strong points of the adventure. Unfortunately, you skimmed right past that: It would be good to include a few of the demonic folks they might meet down there and how they act. The idea of recruiting demonic local allies could provoke some serious debate in most parties.

If you plan, the “Son of Helior” part doesn’t have to be an issue. Say that he snatched up one of the kids from the village and that kid is his sacrifice. The PCs can learn that he’s going to do a sacrifice “when the stars are right” and free his demonic master. Any self-respecting hero will come after the guy, slavering with righteous wrath.

Alternatively, if you wanted to keep the idea that he’s luring the characters to him, one of them is likely to be a champion for some good holy order. Let that cleric or paladin or whatever be the one that he wanted to sacrifice: The champion of the demon’s ancient enemy. Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2006-08-31 10:59 PM
I'd clean up some of the hanging plotlines and clarify some setting notes (for instance, short notes on who King Demitrius is, and what Fell-Kin is).
It's a nice historical blade, but the powers are pure cliche. Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-09-01 08:55 AM
The power sections is a bit scant. Not that I want to see more powers, but to explain some more on how it can use. Is the sword smart? Is it worth listening too? Does it have thousands of years of experience? Is it cranky that some upstart will take him or happy to be rid of the bore he has been saddled with for so long.

Fyranteth Anguil (a Fell-Kin of no little importance) in the year 1 A.E. (After Eldearth). Fjostrez has seen use in the hands of Fyranteth for several millennia, and is still in his possession.

A little more explanation of Fell-Kin would be nice. Immortality needs to be explained. If this guy is of little importance AND this sword is worth having, why hasn't someone higher up taken it from him? Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-09-01 08:32 AM
Soldier on Colonel, the name ROX and the descriptions are getting better with each submission. Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-09-01 06:47 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
Pariah's comment on 2006-08-31 09:48 PM
Well, at least it doesn't glow an eldritch shade of blue. I'm asuming that Tluin is unaging, because you start in one Date system and then skip it's logical counterpart into another system entirely. Just briefly, what are the Knights of the Red Blades? Who is Eldearth?

Plot Hook: PC's gain possession of the sword, but find that the prior owner isn't quite as dead as previously thought, and he'd kill to get his sword back. Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
Murometz's comment on 2006-08-31 11:28 PM
I'm glad that you keep creating and trying to improve Colonel Drackler. Your work is slowly getting better. Keep going!

I like the name Fjostrez. Sounds like a magical sword. Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
Drackler's comment on 2006-08-31 09:56 PM
Alright, the knights of the Red Blade are an elite order that serve King Demitrius. They usually, but not always wield blades of flame. Actually Eldearth implies any time before the fall of Demitrius. I am going to submit Tluin's story a little later. Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
Drackler's comment on 2006-09-01 01:42 PM
I do need to improve I see. Fell-Kin will appear shortly, also, Fyranteth is a Fell-Kin of NO little importance. He will also be appearing. Go to Comment
Fjostrez
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2006-09-01 10:45 AM
Not much to say beyound what has been said. What you have there looks good so far... Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Ria Hawk's comment on 2006-06-13 05:06 PM
I hold my vote as well. The potential is there... What does Thenth want to do with himself, now that he's fufilled his purpose? Why hasn't he settled down yet? What does he do, what has he seen? Has the god of time just decided to leave him to his own devices, or might there come a time when he sends Thenth out to do his bidding again? Is Thenth a hero, travelling around, righting wrongs and such, or is he just an observer? Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-06-15 12:31 PM
A couple of things.

Punctuation check would be nice. Sentences that are near run ons linked by comma after common becomes difficult to read. Spelling seems fine.

So he is unkillable? Or unfatigable? After several YEARS of battle, you think he might of died of exhaustion. Either that or this dragon was pretty lame. And think carefully about the answer as it chagnes the entire character.

So now we have this godling who is still waundering the world after his mission is done? Someone didn't uncreate him?

So now we have an eternal tourist? He has no needs. No desires. No drives. He just might want to waunder.

So he might kick it with the adventurers because? Because what? Because the GM might need an unkillable, uber powerful NPC to make the PC's look weak or pointless?

I am not holding my vote. It needs a lot of editing before it is worth more than this. I will revise my vote then. Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-06-13 11:00 AM
Okay, this has some potential Colonel, lets see what we can do with it. I like the concept of Thenth being a created being, or at least that is the impression that I got from the sub. Having been created by the god of time, I would expect him to have some sort of time magics.

Some questions, why did the god of time have beef with the dragon, and if so, why didn't he smite it, or age it or whatnot?

What exactly in Thenth, what are his mannerisms, what does he like, or not like?

I am holding my vote for a revision. Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-06-13 02:57 PM
I will hold my vote too. Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Incarnadine's comment on 2006-06-19 03:38 PM
My only comment is pure oak bows are really, really, really hard to use. So unless there's some symbolism in that that I'm not getting, I'd change that to yew. Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Murometz's comment on 2006-06-16 08:11 PM
2.5, since it shows some definite promise. Keep at it Colonel Drackler! I've noticed your subs have some pretty cool names. Thats always a plus in my book. It does need some polishing. Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Drackler's comment on 2009-01-08 04:09 PM
Updated: Rehaul: Better grammar, background appearance, additional info. Added: Detail, plot hooks.
Note: I changed the name for ease of use, Thentr (Then-tir) is a lot easier to pronounce than Thenth. Go to Comment
Thentr
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
valadaar's comment on 2014-11-13 08:47 AM
I love this idea. So much potential in a god-created weapon, forgotten and abandoned by his 'creator'. Go to Comment
Flame.
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-05-04 07:43 AM
A fairly average flaming sword, the decription, however, is precise and good, and while it is short it shows definite improvement. I like some of your names, Col. Drackler Go to Comment
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