Well, at least it doesn't glow an eldritch shade of blue. I'm asuming that Tluin is unaging, because you start in one Date system and then skip it's logical counterpart into another system entirely. Just briefly, what are the Knights of the Red Blades? Who is Eldearth?

Plot Hook: PC's gain possession of the sword, but find that the prior owner isn't quite as dead as previously thought, and he'd kill to get his sword back. Go to Comment

I'm glad that you keep creating and trying to improve Colonel Drackler. Your work is slowly getting better. Keep going!

I like the name Fjostrez. Sounds like a magical sword. Go to Comment

Alright, the knights of the Red Blade are an elite order that serve King Demitrius. They usually, but not always wield blades of flame. Actually Eldearth implies any time before the fall of Demitrius. I am going to submit Tluin's story a little later. Go to Comment

I do need to improve I see. Fell-Kin will appear shortly, also, Fyranteth is a Fell-Kin of NO little importance. He will also be appearing. Go to Comment

Not much to say beyound what has been said. What you have there looks good so far... Go to Comment

I hold my vote as well. The potential is there... What does Thenth want to do with himself, now that he's fufilled his purpose? Why hasn't he settled down yet? What does he do, what has he seen? Has the god of time just decided to leave him to his own devices, or might there come a time when he sends Thenth out to do his bidding again? Is Thenth a hero, travelling around, righting wrongs and such, or is he just an observer? Go to Comment

A couple of things.

Punctuation check would be nice. Sentences that are near run ons linked by comma after common becomes difficult to read. Spelling seems fine.

So he is unkillable? Or unfatigable? After several YEARS of battle, you think he might of died of exhaustion. Either that or this dragon was pretty lame. And think carefully about the answer as it chagnes the entire character.

So now we have this godling who is still waundering the world after his mission is done? Someone didn't uncreate him?

So now we have an eternal tourist? He has no needs. No desires. No drives. He just might want to waunder.

So he might kick it with the adventurers because? Because what? Because the GM might need an unkillable, uber powerful NPC to make the PC's look weak or pointless?

I am not holding my vote. It needs a lot of editing before it is worth more than this. I will revise my vote then. Go to Comment

Okay, this has some potential Colonel, lets see what we can do with it. I like the concept of Thenth being a created being, or at least that is the impression that I got from the sub. Having been created by the god of time, I would expect him to have some sort of time magics.

Some questions, why did the god of time have beef with the dragon, and if so, why didn't he smite it, or age it or whatnot?

What exactly in Thenth, what are his mannerisms, what does he like, or not like?

I am holding my vote for a revision. Go to Comment

I will hold my vote too. Go to Comment

My only comment is pure oak bows are really, really, really hard to use. So unless there's some symbolism in that that I'm not getting, I'd change that to yew. Go to Comment

2.5, since it shows some definite promise. Keep at it Colonel Drackler! I've noticed your subs have some pretty cool names. Thats always a plus in my book. It does need some polishing. Go to Comment

Updated: Rehaul: Better grammar, background appearance, additional info. Added: Detail, plot hooks.
Note: I changed the name for ease of use, Thentr (Then-tir) is a lot easier to pronounce than Thenth. Go to Comment

A fairly average flaming sword, the decription, however, is precise and good, and while it is short it shows definite improvement. I like some of your names, Col. Drackler Go to Comment

Backstory is something of a cliché (king wants a magic sword so it gets made then lost when he dies)

Item is just a YAKAW (Yet Another Kick Ass Weapon)

So – 1 for the item + 1 for the backstory – total 2/5 Go to Comment

Not bad Colonel. Like Scras, I also like the names you used. And your stuff is improving! Hope to see it get better and better (more details and story Drackler)

howda ya' like that! I give you a nickname, and people think your an actual Colonel now :D

At Ease! Go to Comment

Update: Capitalization. Flow. Overall goody-ness. Go to Comment

Only voted Go to Comment

Only voted Go to Comment

Or YAMW, for Yet Another Magic Weapon.

Truth be told, while I understand that system specifics are out, the sword "burns anyone it touches" how?  +1-ish flame damage?  Double damage to water- or ice-based creatures?  Do things it hits go up in a ball of fire, or are they just seared in some way? (Heck, how do you scabbard it?)

The backstory doesn't quite square, either.  If the weapon was promptly lost after its sole owner's death, what former owners?  How did it get so many names?  If the weapon was lost upon the king's death, wouldn't the king's body itself be there, and perhaps guards or retinue as well?

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Solid, IMHO. I suppose it could be considered YAMW. 

I can think of lots of reasons why the sword was lost and not recovered. Maybe the King was murdered, and the assassin took the blade. Or there was a nasty forest fire and they were all wiped out. The party was poisoned. The party caught the pox. 

So all in all, pretty solid. Thanks

 

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