I have to say it is really well written. This is 850% better than anything else you have written to day. It is clear. It is descriptive. It meets the basics head on and keeps going.
It is a piece of art in its current state. Pretty to look at, not very useful.
I see where you could go with this. I see your point that the GM should mull over in his mind how to use it. It has a great deal of atmosphere. However there is little purpose for it, and the three plot lines are scant.
Take it from me, you need to lead people along to the conclusions and deductions and inferences that to you seem self evident. Have you seen a lot of my subs (who get banged on) that are small and direct, then I unleash this huge explanation in the comments, because people obviously didn't get it (or get what I wanted them to get from it). Learn from my mistake, as include these things in the first place.
To be useful, add some more "possible uses". Add some horror. Add some Scooby Doo. Add something useful for fantasy. keep going. It has potential, show us all of it. Go to Comment
Definitely your best to date, and quite frankly, I'm damn proud of you, for sticking it out (as so few do) and improving your work, despite past criticisms. It isn't even subtle (your improvement). It is plain to see!
Mmmm, a decaying and abandoned bazaar. Good sub! Useful and atmospheric.
I didn't do just that because I wanted to allow the idea to ferment in the DM's mind. I gave you the place, and what it is about, now it's up to you to specify the locations in your own game. Go to Comment
For me this is in need of a little bit more,maybe a couple of rooms with minor spooky encounters or perhaps some spooky things left over.However I really got a feel for exactly
what the place looked and even felt like,so big kudos for atmosphere.Ill give you a 3/5 for now but with a little bit more Ill raise my vote Go to Comment
Not bad. Good physical description. You seem to gloss over a sizable chunk of their nature and story though...technology? experiments? scientists? Needs some expanding, me'thinks. Some insight into their behavior and such.
Also, "Concluders" would probably not be what they call themselves, right? And on that note, why are they called, "Concluders"? :)
Jemas Lorne, the most celebrated poet of the age, was found dead, clutching a fragment of verse torn from his journal. The tantalizing fragment spoke of wealth:
Golden sands, empty and cold,
Treasure's crypt, forgotten gold.
Under stone, ancestor's doom,
Noble's prize, troubadour's tomb.
Rumours claim that the poet's father, an eccentric nobleman, had hidden much of his wealth before his death. Perhaps the missing journal has more clues?