I have to say it is really well written. This is 850% better than anything else you have written to day. It is clear. It is descriptive. It meets the basics head on and keeps going.
It is a piece of art in its current state. Pretty to look at, not very useful.
I see where you could go with this. I see your point that the GM should mull over in his mind how to use it. It has a great deal of atmosphere. However there is little purpose for it, and the three plot lines are scant.
Take it from me, you need to lead people along to the conclusions and deductions and inferences that to you seem self evident. Have you seen a lot of my subs (who get banged on) that are small and direct, then I unleash this huge explanation in the comments, because people obviously didn't get it (or get what I wanted them to get from it). Learn from my mistake, as include these things in the first place.
To be useful, add some more "possible uses". Add some horror. Add some Scooby Doo. Add something useful for fantasy. keep going. It has potential, show us all of it. Go to Comment
Definitely your best to date, and quite frankly, I'm damn proud of you, for sticking it out (as so few do) and improving your work, despite past criticisms. It isn't even subtle (your improvement). It is plain to see!
Mmmm, a decaying and abandoned bazaar. Good sub! Useful and atmospheric.
I didn't do just that because I wanted to allow the idea to ferment in the DM's mind. I gave you the place, and what it is about, now it's up to you to specify the locations in your own game. Go to Comment
For me this is in need of a little bit more,maybe a couple of rooms with minor spooky encounters or perhaps some spooky things left over.However I really got a feel for exactly
what the place looked and even felt like,so big kudos for atmosphere.Ill give you a 3/5 for now but with a little bit more Ill raise my vote Go to Comment
Not bad. Good physical description. You seem to gloss over a sizable chunk of their nature and story though...technology? experiments? scientists? Needs some expanding, me'thinks. Some insight into their behavior and such.
Also, "Concluders" would probably not be what they call themselves, right? And on that note, why are they called, "Concluders"? :)
Actually, something would happen, if you looked into the tip - someone else would be able to see your intentions. :)
The backstory is basically okay, though I advise to split the large middle paragraph into several - it will look much better. Also, pathogen sounds very modern... maybe some other word would suit the legend more.
If we accept the mind-reading premise, then it should be rare. Also, translating someone's thoughts into words is not exactly easy:
- imagination can be more visual, for starters (and then there's the other senses)
- fast thinking makes for quickly running letters... you better read really fast!
- thinking about more things at once would produce several lines of thought - good luck with the mess
- while it is very hard to _not_ think about something, it is relatively easy to mix other thoughts to the process - and you get a jumble again Go to Comment