A couple of things:
First: Read this, Five Best Tips for Posting on Strolen's (and Other Places). This should of stayed in your work space. Edit it, and go to the submission options (under the normal submission/codex/scroll/both open/locked and above bb translator and contributors. Click that to In Works, Request Advice. This keeps it out there so people can comment on it, but tucked away so you can work on it.
It needs editing, but I think you know that. You need to read it outloud, to clean up the issues with the language. You should also think about formatting it, with titles, extra spaces, and so on. I want you to read a few insect submissions (see below), then come back to this. This will give you an idea as how these things should go.
Once it is ready for "prime time", you go back in during an edit, and change it back to normal submission.
One should not confuse short, with incomplete. Many of the short ones are "mundane bugs" with little, to no, special ability. Thus they have shorter write ups. Long or short, every write up needs to be complete, for what it is. It needs to answer the readers' questions. The further something is from the expected, the more questions need to be answered.
Linking on Strolen's is pretty easy, go to the bottom of the submission... wayyyy down there.. there is a suggest a submission link. On the top of your submission there is a number (5010). You go to the insect's submission, and enter that number in, press suggest, and there you go. There are other ways to link, but those we can get to later.
Under the Quick Links on the right hand side.. at the bottom of that list, is a linked called HTML help.
Click that and you can see how to make things bold. It is as simple as adding a bracket and a b.
Do me a favor It is word comma space: word, word. It is not word space comma word ; word ,word. It is easy to make the mistake while typing, but it will get you dinged everytime. Periods follow the same rule.
A similar thing with parenthesis. You need to put the space between the word: word (word) word; not word(word)word (no space) or word( word ) word (wrong space).
Those are two simple edits that will help clean up your sub.
Until you are ready to go release this, you really should move it over to your working space (see note above). You can then find it by going to your Strolen Homepage... go to the upper right corner of the whole webpage and click on your name. It takes you right there. You would be able to find it from there. Go to Comment
I can buy it, could use a little more finesse in the delivery, but a nice idea. I am a sucker for hive minds. Though we learn painfully little about their back story or personality. If it is indeed intelligent, we are not sure about its intelligence either, than it may have personality worth discussing. Go to Comment
I remember my first posts here: It takes a few tries to get used to the Citadel's quirks. Please keep posting!
I could see these benevolent beetles appearing in a game, but I'd add some legends about them and their swampy home. While they might have occurred naturally, such creatures would be seen as powerful omens by those dwelling in the area. Mud-caked swamp elves would protect them as emmisaries of the nature gods, while those pillaging the wetlands' bounty would fall to the beetles' alien wrath.
Additional Plot Hooks: "Drain That Pesthole" - Lord Fawary cares little for his estates, but hopes to wring every possible groat from the "insect-ridden" swamp on its border. He plans to dam the stream that feeds it, building a mill and clearing the land for pasturage. The arrogant noble can't understand why his simple plan isn't working...
"We Found Them in the Swamp" - Adventurers unearthed a unique treasure while exploring the great swamp: Statues of nature gods worshipped by tribes that once dwelt in the region. Purchased by Lord Fawary, these lovely statues delight visitors to his gardens. Unfortunately, swarms of tiny beetles have begun to plague the region, and Fawary's delight has turned to anger. He wants those adventurers found and his money returned. Go to Comment
Desiring that his humble servitors not pass from the realm, the sylvan god invested them with his power. Growing in power and wisdom, they were simple insects no longer. A fragment of the god's will possessed them, collectively making their race into a lesser avatar of the god.
I like the idea of magical effects: It's a style thing. Sure, the beetles could swarm over their foes, but bugs summoning mystical defenders of the wetlands is so much cooler (and not overdone the way swarms have been since "The Mummy"). Go to Comment
Why does the combination of a toxic waste spill and a species nearing extinction result in a magical effect that's beneficial to humanoids? Is the god of nature (who is, I assume, not fond of toxic waste spills and extinction) not in control of his own power?
Why does a swarm of millions of bugs need to charm a deer into doing its fighting? If a humanoid can get buried under thousands of bugs for a beneficial effect, why aren't the swarm's enemies simply swarmed and devoured?
Do the local humanoids know that the beetles are (sometimes) helpful, or would injured people panic when the swarm starts gathering around them?
If they're normally encountered in swarms of thousands (enough of them to cast spells) and they routinely congregate around humanoids throughout their vast habitat, how does this effect the swamp's ecology and nearby humanoid settlements? Is there room for other adventures in the area? Go to Comment
I really like the idea of this one, but there are about 3 small problems with it:
1. Punctuation. Put spaces after it. This doesn't really detract from the thing very much, but it might make the submission smoother if you add in the spaces.
2. Guys in platemail are easy to hit. Like, really easy. Unless they have really long arms and a club or something and can just smack you away before you can reach them. I think a better comparison would be "Hitting a Tooky Bird is as hard as hunting hummingbirds in full platemail with a cannon."
3. It really isn't long enough. It's a good idea, so the longer it is the better. Try and add more of a description of the bird, talk about it having an unusual beak or something. Do it's feathers have any special properties? Add some plot hooks. Like, maybe once a year the Tooky Birds all congregate at some mating place, and the PCs happen to have camped right in the middle of it. I'm sure you can think of something better than that one.
Fun little sidequest idea. The bird would probably be a good sentinel for an area to and its shrieks may warn others that there are unwelcome visitors about.
I will hold off my vote for now.
Forgive us a little, but we are sticklers for formatting things correctly with spaces and appropriate whitespace - that will hurt you a little when it comes to votes. I think, as it stands, a 2.5 is about what I would give it. With a little editing and perhaps a few plotline ideas it would easily make a solid 3 (which is still a perfectly good post that we are more than happy with!) Go to Comment