Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Machinama, a cult in Refuge Beneath the Waves
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (World Wide)
Aramax's comment on 2015-02-13 12:10 PM
It was a true collaboration, axle brought the best out of me then added some awesome stuff, Go to Comment
Machinama, a cult in Refuge Beneath the Waves
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (World Wide)
Morte's comment on 2015-02-14 12:09 PM
Love it. A cool idea would be to set up a rival cult or what have you centered on nature or something? All in all, a fun piece to read! Go to Comment
Machinama, a cult in Refuge Beneath the Waves
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (World Wide)
MysticMoon's comment on 2015-02-12 10:40 AM
Excellent work! Go to Comment
The Stolen World, Overview and Codex
Locations  (World)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2015-02-13 11:00 AM
This is an interesting start - it feels like a set of notes as opposed to a full submission.

Some neat ideas here. Go to Comment
The Stolen World, Overview and Codex
Locations  (World)   (Any)
Aramax's comment on 2015-02-07 11:12 AM
The 1000 yr cycle is a based on the fational that longer cycles would lead to high enough magic to at least be able to hide a great deal of the world Go to Comment
The Stolen World, Overview and Codex
Locations  (World)   (Any)
Aramax's comment on 2015-02-13 11:15 AM
I felt I needed to put the full description of the way I was using the whales to make my other subs a little more understandable at this time, totally agree that this is only 3.5 at this time, but this is going to be my primary codex page for the Stolen(Strolen) World. Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
Scrasamax's comment on 2015-02-01 11:25 AM
This is probably not going to win any points, but I think you spent too much time on the backstory. If you made it more concise, you would have room to give more detail on what Rye can actually do as an undead, and why he is special enough to rise six times instead of just the once that most undead get. Still a good submission, and entertaining read. Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
Dozus's comment on 2015-02-01 12:34 AM
Just a minor correction: "Nod to Gossomer, for his Solomon Grundy forum post, my inspiration" should be "Nod to Gossamer, for *her* Solomon Grundy forum post" Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-31 05:55 PM
There is a nice tight conveyance of information in the first paragraph. You describe a lot about the nature of the world’s magic and peoples relationship with it in the first paragraph.

In the second paragraph you could add one little tiny line about what makes Rye a talented murder.

“Rye had a strong stomach for the suffering of others and ability to completely suppress any feelings of hesitation or doubt when his own interests were on the line.”

Or

“Rye was the perfect combination of self loathing, confidence and empathy. He understood people, did not shy away from the difficult and didn’t feel that his own life or the lives of others was worth second thought. The high-risk world or professional killer seemed to be the perfect career choice to him.”
If you don’t want to take anything out don’t worry about it. You are already over 500 words and I would be interested to find out more about this character and how you envisioned him.

I really like the end, where he dies for love (his version of love), but comes back. The end kind of reminds me of that old morality problem about the adulterous woman murdered on the bridge. Who does Rye think of as his nemesis now? Is it the waitress that rebuffed him? Is it her husband that caused to rebuff him? Is it the party that caught him? Or the hangman that executed him?

You could have it set up where the risen Rye kills these people in turn. And the PCs have to deduce who it might be committing these murders…”that randy drunk with metal claws has returned”.

Having to deduce who it is will give the PCs more of a chance to use the backstory you have written. Because it would be ashame to have a whole character backstory, but all he is just a re-occurring combat encounter.
Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-31 06:01 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-31 11:20 PM
I copied it into word before I read it. Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
Aramax's comment on 2015-02-01 11:43 AM
I haven't abandoned this yet will take your suggestion and axle's to improve.Also reading some of the other entries has made me re-think the direction I took with this. plus I'm pretty sure I've got some words to spare.Stay tuned for when my muse strikes and I can get some more computer time from my kids. Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
Aramax's comment on 2015-02-13 08:55 AM
axle, I'm going to take your excellent suggestion as to NOT make this just a recurring combat thing and turn it more into a mystery thing, started a couple of weeks ago on running this.Gave the guy a macho look and high squeaky voice. They killed him and they know the body disappeared so far.Def gonna update.Eventually. Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-31 11:07 PM


Wow, Axle you have a sharp eye for word count or did you actually use word count? :P

Really like the plot you suggested

Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-31 11:32 PM
I liked Rye okay and his end was unexpected but this sub did not particularly strike a chord with me (b/c I'm non-gamer?) so I have to give a drastically different score than Axle. Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-31 11:35 PM
Ah yes, now Word automatically has word count at the bottom. I read straight off the browser for subs of conventional length at the Ctiadel but I do find reading from Word is slightly better. Go to Comment
Ryenionn The Deathless
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Other)
MysticMoon's comment on 2015-02-02 03:38 PM
Interesting idea. This could be a fun NPC to mess with the PCs... Let them figure out how to finally kill the thing and watch them scramble more and more as the thing becomes harder to fight. I like it. Go to Comment
Sinister, Lord of Left Socks
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (City/ Ruin)
Aramax's comment on 2015-01-30 11:52 AM
will fix Go to Comment
Sinister, Lord of Left Socks
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (City/ Ruin)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-02-01 12:26 AM
Not sure why but I liked this sub a little less than MMWWW. Still, a solid sub and nothing to fix much. Go to Comment
Sinister, Lord of Left Socks
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (City/ Ruin)
MysticMoon's comment on 2015-01-30 11:45 AM

I haven't read any of the related subs, so I have no context. With that caveat in mind, I really like this. Especially the word play on sinister/left-handed (or left-socked, in this case :P ).

The idea of an evil god which sets up competing cults works well for me.

The only thing I was confused on was how could he survive what the other gods did not, yet be outdone by a group of mortal adventurers?


Go to Comment
Total Comments:
285

Join Now!!




Fatal error: Call to undefined function top_menu() in /home/strolen/public_html/lockmor/application/views/citadel/vfooter.php on line 2