I really like the idea of this one, but there are about 3 small problems with it:
1. Punctuation. Put spaces after it. This doesn't really detract from the thing very much, but it might make the submission smoother if you add in the spaces.
2. Guys in platemail are easy to hit. Like, really easy. Unless they have really long arms and a club or something and can just smack you away before you can reach them. I think a better comparison would be "Hitting a Tooky Bird is as hard as hunting hummingbirds in full platemail with a cannon."
3. It really isn't long enough. It's a good idea, so the longer it is the better. Try and add more of a description of the bird, talk about it having an unusual beak or something. Do it's feathers have any special properties? Add some plot hooks. Like, maybe once a year the Tooky Birds all congregate at some mating place, and the PCs happen to have camped right in the middle of it. I'm sure you can think of something better than that one.
Fun little sidequest idea. The bird would probably be a good sentinel for an area to and its shrieks may warn others that there are unwelcome visitors about.
I will hold off my vote for now.
Forgive us a little, but we are sticklers for formatting things correctly with spaces and appropriate whitespace - that will hurt you a little when it comes to votes. I think, as it stands, a 2.5 is about what I would give it. With a little editing and perhaps a few plotline ideas it would easily make a solid 3 (which is still a perfectly good post that we are more than happy with!) Go to Comment
Living in an area with feral parrots, the live up and down the peninsula here, and near a feral parrot nesting area, I can so understand people's responses to these things. Points up for a good animal that is part of the ecology and has a reason to exist, points down for making it the George of the Jungle bird. Bonus points for a first submission. We really do need more "every day" and "plug and play" items. This fits that bill nicely.
This is good, mostly. I like the idea of a creature that isn't inherently dangerous but that's just too annoying to let live. I really like the idea of tasteless rich people and senile wizards inflicting them on their hapless neighbors, necessitating a search-and-destroy mission -- that's comedy gold, right there.
The punctuation and formatting do need work.
The borrowed idea works well enough in comedy -- it might be even funnier that it's an annoying cartoon bird -- but in more serious subs it's better to disguise it. (On a side note, kudos for not posting the Aflac Duck, which would require the GM to be wearing full body armor during play.)
Speaking of body armor, the "man in plate mail" line clashes a bit with the Citadel's no-stats, system-neutral style (it's a noticeable reference to Armor Class). Worse, it implies that the bird is hard to hit because of some inherent toughness or thick hide, and not because it's small, fast, and nimble. Go to Comment
Not bad for a first sub, perhaps going into a little bit more detail as to the evolution and mating habits of the creature, as well as any possible use an entrepreneurial adventurer might have for a young creature or the eggs. (I would imagine if they could be tamed and trained to act immediately upon an intruders presence these birds would make splendid guard animals.) Go to Comment
I like the changes a lot, it fleshes out the creature nicely and makes it more useful. (Still a few spelling errors though but they're pretty minor. (Much better than it;s first draft hence my vote is being recast higher.) Go to Comment