Hey Anteaus. I know you are a gifted fellow. Don't be overly bothered by the criticism (other than that you take it to heart). It is correct, but such a character is something we have ALL made at one point in our GM careers. Try again.
Here's a tip for you, check out these characters:
A good one:
It doesn't have to be good because it is long:
http://www.strolen.com/npc/viewnpc.php?npc_id=258&offset=100&order=npc_date&dir=DESC&index=1 Go to Comment
Thank you all for the encouragement and the very helpful criticism, I would love it if you could continue to help me with this one, so my others will be better, so please keep it coming. Thanks Go to Comment
Interesting, though I am surprised that the uncle would have had the town destroyed without his true target being there. It seems like something that only makes sense to support the background, rather than something that makes sense.
Now, I have not seen the 'before' version and it is decent except for this one concern.
It seemed like a great place to camp. The clearing was good sized and sheltered from the wind. The brook just a few feet away. There is a natural hallow to keep the horses.
Then the night came.
It was like it became a different place. The temperature dropped. The wind, which does not seem to disturb cloth, almost cuts through you like an arctic wind. No one can sleep, as the soft ground has turned hard. The horses are uneasy. The Bats are flying over and stopping in the trees.
And then there is the eyes. There are glowing eyes just inside the tree line watching your group. The mages and clerics can detect nothing, but there is still something there.
(yet there is nothing at all... The Darkness will do nothing unless the players do something to it. And even then it will all seem to be a conincidence.)
Of course, in the morning, it all becomes sweet and light.