You have some really good ideas! If only you would take the time to expand on this a little more, maybe try answering some of the questions from the comments, this could become an exceptional submission. I would love to see you come back and update this post with some more information -- especially on the effect of non-sound vibrations and the difference between varying intensities of vibrations. Go to Comment
We appreciate your opinion, as we appreciate anteaus's. You are welcome to comment. It is seldom that someone decides to stay after being criticized, those that DO manage to stay have become the forum regulars. ;) (Meaning almost all gets a harsh review at first) Go to Comment
I assume that a Strolenite was speaking through the Horde, there.
Yeah, Knight, you have just as much right to talk as any of us, regardless of quality posts.
As for this item...
Well, I think it would be good if we had a more explanation of Phillip Thornblood's involvement in a diplomatic affair, just for flavor, y'know? Whenever you have the choice of more details or less, go with more.
As for the ability, I see no real problem, other than that there are quite a few items which are basically remade "bags of holding".
Well, bag of holding items ARE useful - I wish I had one to haul my books and games and drunk friends around ;p
"No, you're NOT barfing in my bag of holding!"
Anyway... the cup could... have the soul of an apothecary and be actually able to mix medicines! "That looks like a nasty case of cold, we'll give honey extract and a few drops of mandrake tea..." mixed into your spell components of course ;p
And, Anteaus, my first two posts got criticized quite a bit as well ;p especially by the Capt'n... but then, they deserved it. Go to Comment
I know I am probably not one to be talking right now after all the critiqueing they have done to my post but this is a good item, although it does need a little work.
*Try more explanation.*
~~ Go to Comment
I really like this idea and the backstory with it. I just wish that it was a little better defined, to make it easier to use in game. Some ideas on what I'm looking for: limitations on use (times per day, weight or size of objects, types of objects this works and doesn't work on, etc), duration of the effect (are they fused together permanently, or are they just stuck for a short time?), whether or not its possible to cancel the effect, and examples of how the staff was used in the past (a short history with different wielders would be nice). I would really love to see this piece developed some more, since it's such a cool idea! Go to Comment
Normally I don't say this, I try to be helpful and you can DO better than this, the Background sucks. Conceptionally a potentially interesting character that tanks because of the background you have written.
REALLY: If it is a cliche, work really hard to avoid it. Or if you have to use it, make sure it is done well. You knew you did a bad job, yet you persisted. BAD WRITER. NO DONUT!
Short. Short is bad. Unless you care creating a minor character or an extra, short shows you really didn't think about your post OR you don't care enough about it or your reader to finish it right.
First: Why did he change his name? That is a completely random.
Second: How much magic can Mom know and still be living in this village? She was an enchanter? Was she any good at it? Why is she living in this little town? Was she a banished spell caster from omewhere else? How did he learn any great magics living in Podunk? That is like being an the equivalent of Nuclear Engineer while living in Shilo Ca (and if you don't know where that is... you get the point). Can mom actually teach enchanting to someone who has not attended Guild training? And most mystic traditions forbid teaching of your own children... you can't be strict or disciplined enough with them to teach them properly?
There is just no supporting information that leads into his being a MU of any worth. It is just dropped in like a rock in a pond. Lead the reader into any important point, by dropping clues like rose petals before you put it down.
Third: People can leave town without having their family die? Are you planning on staying in your little hometown AND not going out into the world until someone massacurs you family? I didn't think so. So why should your character be as unmotivated?
You know... you could very easily lose the revenge against the family killing and still have a viable character. In the spirit of a gnomish inventor, you could have your kid blow up enough things that they asked him to leave (or at least go away for a while) and that is why he is out in the world.
Or maybe he just decided it was time to go out into the world and see what he could see.
Or he could just stay in the village and invent.
OR you could actually have him be sedentary, inventing and living in his home village... to be encountered by others seeking his inventions or just passing through. Maybe he will want to go "to the big city" some day, but have him stay here.
Forth: How did one man kill all those people? He burned the town. Okay. There was nobody in the town? Nobody can fight a fire? Doesn't anyone build anything out of stone there? Who actually did the killing off of the town and how?
Related: Why did he kill off his brother? Would you kill off your brother (okay you might think about it, but actually do it?) What is his Motivation? Is the man Greedy? Does the man want magic items to conquer the territory, the world, or support his secret pirate fleet?
Bad. Bad. Bad. You can do better. Edit this feldercarb. Go to Comment
This is a night and day improvement over the original post.
Try to spend some time contemplating your entry before you press that final return. In addition to catching the occasional mispelled word or odd grammeric entry, you can ask yourself the questions that we would ask of a post. Then you can correct them BEFORE we ask them. I usually spend a day or two thinking over a character/ item/ setting post before I do it. Then when I go into it, I am ready to do the posting justice.
If you are posting a character but can't finish it to your satisfaction, do not feel afraid to put bIN PROCESS/b in the listing, so people will hold off commenting on it until you are done. I do this all the time, as I am often writing in bursts. Go to Comment
Hey Anteaus. I know you are a gifted fellow. Don't be overly bothered by the criticism (other than that you take it to heart). It is correct, but such a character is something we have ALL made at one point in our GM careers. Try again.
Here's a tip for you, check out these characters:
A good one:
It doesn't have to be good because it is long:
http://www.strolen.com/npc/viewnpc.php?npc_id=258&offset=100&order=npc_date&dir=DESC&index=1 Go to Comment