I'm iffy on this, however the journal is what did it for me. Unfortunately the sections that turned into links didn't work (not sure if they were intended to) but I was hoping to see some thread of conversation about the origin of this submission. POssible conversations of ideas passed around, hence why it is illegible or lost to translation. Overall though a decent submission, I'm just not to keen on super monsterous fantasy based mechanical juggernaughts. But its really cool and the jounral I think is what did it for me... big thuimbs up. Go to Comment
The journal entries are outstanding. The idea is very good. Alex is always on top of his game. As a suggestion, I would edit the references to the D6 die to make it more generic to other game systems, but I don't suppose any intelligent GM would fail to adapt. Go to Comment
Indeed, an excellent submission. A good and enjoyable backstory and very logically coherent as to why it exists, why the Byrlothians can't just make more, etc. 5/5
As a further development, once the Dragon Mages realise what has happened and why, they might try experimenting and see if they can create their own (they should be capable of it given that it was a side effect of the Dragon Mage magic that caused it, even though it might be a very difficult process trying to figure out how to do it controllably). This would put even more pressure on the Byrlothians to bring the war to a rapid conclusion. Go to Comment
A pretty basic 2/5. It's a pretty regular "oh-no-talented-noble-son-lost-his-birthright" story. *shrugs*
How it could be improved-
He could be made more special. There must be some other reason that he's unique? Secret magic power? Maybe he is actually the king's son, but was raised secretly in the noble's home?
Not a bad effort, but aside from the ebony flute, there is not much different from the standard prodigal son. I do think it seems odd that Alastor's father gave him exactly what he wanted, release from royal duty but with the addition of being disowned from the family.
Perhaps if his father had offered to take the idea under consideration, he could later, in a public ceremony (So the disgrace born by Alastor would be greater) be officially disowned, and exiled from the family holdings. He would have to live in the shadow of his own percieved or otherwise failure, plus a great number of people would know. Disowning an heir-apparent would be an event of some signifigance. The current post makes the father seem on one hand benevolent and wise with the giving of the flute and the inscription, and then he becomes the impulsive tyrant, raising a blade against his own blood.
Now, if the father had waited a few days and then had held a faux-funeral, complete with musical accompanyment, emphasising perhaps flute players as a final gift for his son who was now dead to him, now that would be wicked.
I like the details you put in to the post and the ebony flute of course is the strength of this post. If you addressed some of the things mentioned by the previous two commentors I could see raising the grade, but for now it's a 3 to me :-) Go to Comment
The thing you need to make sure is that this is a world where books and printing presses exist. Otherwise, there probably won't be enough copies of anything to justify the expense of scribing the books. (Though if he is that popular, there might be). There is the economics to think of.
You also need to make sure your character's are literate and might actually spend some time reading these things. If the books are scribed, they might be too precious to just let litter around. So you need to make sure that there is a "path" that will lead the players to the adventurous folk books... either they can read it themselves, or they need to be of the type to tell their adventures at a bar, where everyone will then smirk because that was the story in Adventurous folk last season. Go to Comment