Strolen\s Citadel content. 
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Strolen's comment on 2005-11-07 09:43 PM
Now that there is a 1.5 vote. There is something buried waaaay deep down. Just enough to keep it on the site in my estimation. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2005-06-21 06:52 PM
I wouldn't say deleting...

It is not exactly a bad concept. A mysterious sorceror with the legs of a raven, who summons flocks of the dark birds to attack his enemies.
The problem, Agony, is the execution. The Raven Staff (needs a better name and a history) needs it's own item post and background. You should probably be more descriptive with appearance.
Point 1: What kind of person just breaks into a house, kills people, and transforms a baby into a half-raven?! That makes no sense!
Point 2: He never noticed he was a half-raven?!
Point 3: Why did he kill them all? There's no motivation!
Point 4: Who left the note and the Raven Staff?

In completion, you've got to improve the background.
(Note: I think I might use this character idea, though, if you don't mind)
Since it could be improved (interesting concept, poorly executed)...

2/5. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2005-06-22 09:31 PM
Well, now that he's gone, I got dibs on the remake of this character! Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
MoonHunter's comment on 2005-06-22 09:54 AM
This is the worst write up for a Tengu, even a european were-raven that I have ever seen.

I would like you to read the first eight or so posts on this link:
That will give you an idea about what an acceptable character is. Those are our benchmarks.

If you would like to see what a perfectly average character post is...


So lets look at the differences...

Your posts are too short to be descriptive or useful.

It looks like you spent five minutes on your post. Most of us spend 30 to 75 minutes.

Your post does not explain anything to any useful degree. It is like summing up Darth Vader as: "A desert child of vast potential was trained by the good knights. He was the most powerful of them. They did not give him his due. Then he turned to the Dark Side for all the best reasons. "
See how much you are missing here? Three movies badly summed up into three lines.

Your post has to be useful for a Game Master to use your character in their game. That means you need to define setting elements, character aspects, motivations, and abilities, for the character.

Follow the Golden Rule: If the character is not as well described as a character in a fantasy novel, then your write up is incomplete. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
MoonHunter's comment on 2005-06-23 09:41 AM
Two or three similar characters are not a problem.

A pity Agony is going. He(?) could actually make posts here if he practiced the craft a bit more. Really, it is not that hard to make an acceptable post... even Captain Pengiun can do it. (*joking*). It just takes a bit more time and effort, rather than a real skill, to do. You have the basics. You just need to try a bit harder. I think we were harsh and helpful mostly because we saw the potential here.

But I could be wrong. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-04-09 05:30 PM
I think it is just too bad to keep. This is a waste of memory and effort.

This is not even a good bad example.

As Agony is never coming back to fix this, just delete the puppy and drive on.

Besides, deleting it would open up the name for other users to use in a more interesting way. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Maggot's comment on 2005-06-24 03:43 AM
I can't wait to see the interesting new take that the Captain will put on this character. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2005-06-22 11:50 PM
Dammit Cap'n, I wanted dibs Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2005-06-22 04:31 PM
As the Current standing PostNazi...

I've got this great idea, I'm going to start going around and turning innocent children into grotesque and powerful half monsters after slaughtering their families in front of them. What a cool idea, and then I'll be surprised when the little maggots (apologies to Maggot) show up looking for revenge.

Naw, I'm going to go around and turn all of the innocent children into something ridiculus, like half-parakeets, were-spider monkeys, and...really cute collie dogs that are green.
Why would the wozaerd leave a powerful magic staff that can summon millions of ravens behind for Ravenman (knocked yourself out on that name, didn't ya).

Ravens are popular because they are a symbolic creature, a creature of ill omen, and impending death and doom. Nevermore, if you get the picture Agony. This is munckin revenger redone, and poorly redone at that.


I hope that wasnt over the top, but I felt inspired to supply some vitriol for AG Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2005-06-22 04:35 PM
Now, for some useful commentary.

There is a magic item on the cartoon Xiaolin Showdown called the Monkey Staff. So long as the monk has the Monkey Staff, he is as agile as a monkey, but there is a price to be paid. The longer he has the staff, the more monkeylike he begins to act, and he also begins to develop simian features, with a prehensile tail being first. Eventually, he would become a money with a good understanding of Kung-Fu, and refuse to release the Monkey Staff.

Rather than a wandering malicious wizard, perhaps a teenage youth, eaten with teenage angst finds a magical staff and can fly like a raven with it. (Might be better if the McGuffin is an article of clothing like a dashing cloak or somesuch} However, being unpopular with the others, for whatever reason, he is consumed with a cold avian anger for them and attacks them. He is eventually overcome by the spell and becomes the Ravenman, yet somewhere inside the black-eyed killer is the spirit of an unhappy kid who only wanted to be understood and accepted. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-04-08 10:08 AM
I think this would be a good submission to keep in the archives because it is more than a 15 word slap-dash effort. It shows what we give low votes too, and also shows that sometimes we can be a little too heavy with the stick, and not offering enough of the carrot. Reading my comments to Agony makes me want to be a better critiquer, rather than being an abusive critiquer.

I think we should leave it/ Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
EchoMirage's comment on 2005-06-22 03:48 AM
Okay, at least it's no drow or assassin. Also, mind the spelling and random errors - if you care enough about an idea enough to post it, please care about its presentation. It is as if you tried to cook a good dinner, but served it on a dirty plate, or, more likely, on several sheets of the daily press. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2005-06-21 06:18 PM
This needs deleting ASAP. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2005-06-22 01:27 PM
I am a sucker for ravens, and the very first sentence instilled some great visuals in my imagination.

As for the rest:

You get the idea Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2005-06-22 05:43 PM
Do not feel bad, Agony. I, myself, wrote some of the worst shit on this planet when I was younger. You cannot fathom how poor my early work was! I have to say this: We have young players here, who have learnt, in spite of our cruelty.

Anyhow: Your farewell speech was well written and sensible. I respect your decision and wish you the best for the future Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Agony's comment on 2005-06-22 05:37 PM
Sorry. Sorry for making such bad posts.
I can see that some of you guys are actually trying to help me become a better poster. I want to be a better poster, I want to be able to get all the ideas in my head down on paper properly. I want my ideas to have a worthy execution.
But I am not the best writer in the world, and i do not think that I have the experience that you guys have either. I have thought about this for some time now, and I have come to the conclusion that I am not old enough to be posting on this page.

I know that many of you mean perfectly well in your comments, but it is simply to much for me when you make fun of me.
I can't take it, and I see that as a sign. It means that I should never come back here. At least not until I am older and better in grammer, punctuation, execution of ideas and such.

In the future I would advice you to be a little more careful when commenting on people. Not everbody is able too "take it", if you know what I mean?

And with that, I Agony sign of Strolen.

Sincerely, Agony. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Murometz's comment on 2006-04-09 06:11 PM
WAIT WAIT!!....I can make this into a great sub!! Beware The Raven!! Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2009-06-08 07:53 PM
Okay Agony - there is some good advice here among the critique. Give it another shot if you would.

I've put it into your in-work . Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
OmegaDraco's comment on 2012-02-10 10:06 AM

I don't know how this ended up on the front page. I'll try to say something original.

I think this wizard needs more fleshing out. Perhaps he is actually a good wizard who stormed the house of two evil henchmen, demanded that they tell him where their gang will be performing an evil ritual, and after a brief exchange of violence, gunfire and magic, the wizard killed the two evil henchmen. The wizard didn't expect to find that they had a child. When he found the child hiding in a closet, he saw that the child was shot in the stomach and probably would last much longer. The kid was going into shock, and the wizard had mercy on the evil henchmen's offspring. Whispering "I'm sorry I don't know any healing magic. I do know one trick though, and I can't think of any other way to save you." The wizard waved his Ravenrune staff and cast a spell that imbued the child with blessing of Corvus, the raven god. The child began healing and slowing transforming into the image of Corvus. The wizard placed the child on his bed and promised to return to teach him how to use his powers for good. The child woke later only to find his body a mutated and frightening sight, his parents dead, and only vague memories of a wizard who entered their home, killed his parents, and cursed him with the half body of a raven. The child cried and swore vengeance on the "evil" wizard.

Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
Gossamer's comment on 2013-09-19 06:50 AM
Aww, this was a really hilarious sub, until I got to his farewell comment. Now I feel bad for the kid, he can't have been that old. But on the other hand, his last words showed better penmanship than the whole sub, so he probably could have done a better job if he'd put his mind to it. Still, this sub should definately stay on as a reminder to all of us. Go to Comment
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       By: Michael Jotne Slayer

A caravan is traveling through the desert. The party is hired to capture a man who is in the caravan, and it must be done quietly, so that nobody else knows. They are given the man's name, and the fact that he is a mage, but no other information about him. The catch is that the caravan consists of ten wagons, with at least thirty or forty guards.

Ideas  ( Plots ) | June 4, 2005 | View | UpVote 1xp