I get a feeling of the characters quirks and interests (nice touch with pottery!), but I don't get a single bit of his personality, what he is really like, and why does he the things he does. For instance his background suggests he was created to do some great evil (at least one of the parents was a demon hell-bent on destruction), and yet he seems to be a benign, even likeable little chap for much of his life (letting others work out their problems). (Was that perhaps intentional, to let him play a darker role later, or did he somehow break free of his parent's plans?)
The construction of a tower (more likely a large fort with a tower, judging by the visitors) requires quite a lot of resources. You could explain how he got to that much wealth and influence, perhaps by starting his fortune with pottery, and then turning to large-scale trade where he succeeded.
As for those visitors and customers, it seems he concentrates on the "evil" ones. Is he such a respectable person that everyone accepts, or is it a part of his plans?
Then comes the creation of Ravenman... here is the real weakness. His most important servant has left, that is a good reason to be angry. But why does he go into a completely anonymous village and kills two completely anonymous people, and then transforms their baby into a monster? That doesn't really make sense. If he is powerful and pissed, there are much better ways to take off steam.
Luckily for you, we have been known to be able to explain the unexplainable. I am offering you two options, but of course there are many more.
1. He is really serving a great dark purpose, which requires him to appear a nice guy all the time, and personal vendetta would break his image. So he found an utterly backwards place, and took it out on some people of no consequence in the cosmic scheme of things. The accidental creation of Ravenman has suited him well, and he doesn't mind if someone else does great damage to anyone around in a destructive rage, he even helped him to more power by giving him that staff. Should Ravenman ever find him, he will be more than able to defeat him.
2. He isn't a bad guy, but treason of a close servant has awoken some truly demonic rage. The peasants he killed were not just anyone, they were a close family (maybe even parents) of that servant. In a display of bloody revenge, he killed them and turned their child into a monster, resembling the raven-like entity that caused all this. Later on, he felt terribly about his deeds, and might have tried to turn the boy from the path of evil. It will be shown if he has failed.
- The bit about hibernation is completely ridiculous. Enough said.
- The small sun that circles him and has great power also needs some detail. (What is it? What does it do? What does he say to people that _will_ ask him about it?)
- No roleplaying notes is a real symptom of this character... there is now way to tell what he is like. He could be an utterly evil spawn of hell packaged in two feet of height. He could be a basically nice guy with some family issues, and anger management problems. He could be _anything_ in-between. Anything. Think about his personality a little more.
I hope I was constructive enough to help you. There seems to be developing a group of NPCs strongly related to another, and eventually, we would also like to know more about that mysterious raven entity. But first, let's make sure the characters are good! :) Go to Comment
Maybe because it still feels incomplete? The part about killing the parents, the kid killing everyone, and then him leaving the staff feels somehow... Forced, rather badly.
I agree with Manfred's questions and comments, as well.
Further, why did he decide to build a hub? What are these powers he built a focus for? Is he a basically good guy, a conflicted mass of neuroses, or distilled evil given form? What does he think of his parentage? What does he want from life?
There's potential here, but it still needs work to draw it out and make it exist. Go to Comment
It has been a while since your last submission Agony, and I am glad to see that you've not given up! I think it is good that you've started writing your submissions to link with each other. I took the liberty of linking the other submissions to this one, I hope you don't mind.
I would suggest that you use the spellcheck though, there are a few fairly significant typos. I will leave the rest to the other members to critique.
Hmmm, I dunno'. I sort of like it! You just need to iron out kinks. By "invisible hair" did you mean "transparent" or something like that? I actually am quite amused/impressed with the salute- sllllerrrrsssshhh indeed!
You should explain to us why it was that his master did not stop him from escaping. Was the crow the symbol of some god's protection, and if so, why did this god choose Volomain to be master of the bones? Go to Comment
Volomain is a great wizard which has the rank of Master of the Bones.
wizard THAT has
Who grants him this rank? Self appointed? Is this important to the world? Do we care.
Lets just go down the line... he has long, rich and flowing invisible hair. Really need to explain this and how it happened.
He is very thin and wears tight, red leather armor that squeeks whenever he moves. Addinitional spikes can be found all over the leather,
He is very thin. He wears tight red leather armor adorne with mystical runes and spikes, which squeeks when ever he moves.
Okay, you are hitting most of the points of description in a very convoluted way. You need to put things in an order that make sense.
It is normal for people to be approached by him with a "sleerghshhh" for a hail.
one day, a raven stood by his bed, cocked his head and spoke; "Volomain, thou hast been trough a lot. therefore I free you from your masters evil grasp of your once so pure soul. You must travel to the secret tower of bones and become the new master of the bones." The bird flew out the window.
Would be nice if a) you explained the bird a little bit and b) you spell checked and capitalized.
The journey was long and harsh,
If it was terrible and harsh, you should explain why it is. So far it just sounds as bad as a car ride down to the next down without air conditioning.
"Only the red armor of wizard runes will give you the power you crave, put it on before the tower awakens."
Volomain did so and within the tower he learned the power to move bones.
And you set up this great story then cop out at the end. It is like watching the Original Star Wars trillogy and after the first movie explaining the other two as: "And Luke destroys the Empire."
The red armor which gives him the power to control the tower and move bones. It is his telepathic key to the world of bones.
Where did it come from? What is the master of the Bones? Why does the tower away. Too many questions AND NO ANSWERS.
Volomain controls this great tower and reigns over the mountains of desolation. The tower functions as a beacon for tresarure hungry adventurers so he have to watch his back all the time.
Why is this a Roleplaying Note? It is about the plot? How does he rule? Does he have any people? Does anyone live or even pass through these mountains? Does anyone care that he is in charge of them?
Plot Hooks. -The heroes vistit his tower while he travel around and fix things.
So the rogue runs forth and fixes the toaster, which did not brown on both sides evenly. The Cleric, hits the radiator with her mace and the steam comes hissing out and the room warms... And the ranger changes the light bulbs. Is this what you meant?
He finds them in his tower and deals with them as he sees fit.
Why does he ever leave the tower? Does he take a nap and find out that someone has been eating his porriage?
Okay. DESCRIBE THINGS! You need to follow through and completely describe things that exist.
Read your write ups before you submit them, line by line. Besides catching spelling and grammar mistakes, any sentance that does not make sense OR lives an unanswered question MUST BE ADDRESSED. Add additional description (in sentence or in the next one). Go to Comment
While there are certainly some head scratchers in this sub, my favorite being that Volomain's hair is invisible (?) this is not that bad of a post. If it is compared to Arrkrash there is a huge margin of improvement. Go to Comment
Volomain sounds like a great guy, but I'm really more interested in this "Tower of Bones." Who built it? What does it do? Why is it made of bones? What's with the red armor? If I had background that covered that, being such an important aspect of the character, I think I could really dig him.
It's a great start with some interesting detail, but it needs some more background to be really accessible. I'd love to see how much further you can take this sub, Agony. Go to Comment
This one is strange. On one hand it offers delicious details, and one the other hand it seems that many questons are left unanswered. Such as 1-whats the armor's story? 2-why does it affect bone? 3- whats the tower's "secret"? 4- what happens if the tower "awakens"? who/what/where/how? etc.
I really like this submission actually. Love "Mandible Silvio", love the way you describe Volomain's appearence, love the clay golems "drooling mud" as they stare dumbly at Volomain, and like the basic story. It makes me want to learn more.
I would vote but I cant because this sub is awaiting approval apparently. Go to Comment
It has the 'bones' to be something great - but needs both flesh and correction of the spelling mistakes. Why not correct them? 5 minutes of work would have prevented many bad comments? If you have problems with the built in spellcheck, use a word processor and then cut and paste!
I may also post occasionally with a spelling error or two, but will correct them as soon as I notice or others point them out.
With added flesh and corrections of spelling and grammar, I'd happily give it a 4, but as it stands "it has promise" and so a 2.5. Go to Comment
This is a cool NPC! It definitely needs a lot of editing and revision, but he has a lot of interesting details and quirks! Squeaky red leather armor, the mysterious bird that heralded his freedom, his odd appearance, golems drooling mud, it's all very unusual and cool.
I like him, but I wholeheartedly agree with the comments that you have already received. You should print a copy of your writing and have a friend edit it; it's hard to see your own mistakes or odd phrasing, but it's easy to see someone else's mistakes. The author Clark Ashton Smith used to sit in the park and read his stories aloud; that let him find the parts that didn't sound the way he had intended. I recommend that you do so as well.
I also would like to see more of the mysterious master sorcerer Mandible Silvio and his golems. Go to Comment
Arakis's zombie problem went largely ignored, because it was believed that the Shai-Hulud (sand worms) would effectively dispose of the undead walkers. Unfortunately the problem grew until the roving herds of sunburnt ghouls threatened the flow of spice. While observing one of the great reanimated masses over take a Harvester from the safety of an ornithopter, an Imperial Zoologists noted that the sand caked flesh eating revenants walked entirely without rhythm.
Shortly after receiving this report the Bene Gesserits claimed to have a solution to Arakis's hellish resurrections. They asserted to the agents of the great houses that the worms could be drawn to the walkers using an ancient sonic weapon. According to the sisters, exposing the zombies to an antediluvian ballad composed by the great master M. Jackson would force them to step in time.