This quite a good variation on the Frankenstein's Monster theme but I does need a little fleshing out (motivations and the like) - in the absence of any other instruction I'd be inclined to play him a bit like Frankenstein's creation (the lonely figure from Mary Shelley's book, not that "evil monster" version that Hollywood seem to favour).
I think this is pretty damn good - not quite a 5 but definitely a 4 1/2
Well, its alright, but what is he like? What is his personality, and his moods? I do like the fact that he knows something about the powerful weapon, but he shouldnt be so easily reached, since the weapon is of considerable strength. He was made, but what was he made for, and why does he not talk to the other people about the weapons curse? Its good, but could be better. 2/5. Go to Comment
Double ditto- see the above posts.
I have nothing to add. (By the way, Cheka- nice critique!)
I'm giving you a 2/5 because, to me, 1/5 means no hope at all, and I'm sure that this item could get better.
1) I would like you to click the items listing and search through for our five and four flame items. This will give you what "we" consider a good item.
2) While you beat all our normal hurdles (language and such) -Thank you for that by the way-, but the post is a bit short. A bit more description on the powers would be nice as we are going to have to do a lot of work to "fill in the gaps".
More importantly, it does not anticipate the questions a reader is going to have, such as "Is it still buried?", "When did it get free?", "If it is free, what has happened (in general terms) since then," "Why did the sorcerer make it?", "How did the King get it?", and so on.
As a first post goes, it is not bad. Unless you edit this piece a great deal, it will be very low ranked. So do no dispair, just make the next one even better. Go to Comment
1/5 Bland, the kind of thing that has been done before. Why did the mage make the sword? Did he want the king to lose all his friends? Did the king hire him to make the sword so that he could become a great war leader, but the mage had a grudge against the king, so he gave him a crused sword instead?
If it takes over the mind of it's owner,why did it choose to be buried in a royal barrow? The dark quiet inside of a tomb, next to a rotting royal body, seems a dreadfully dull place to spend one's days.
I didn't give it 1/5 because I hate the idea...I don't hate the idea.I made an item of that type,and got 4/5 for it.The idea is a very good one.The problem is that there is no proper backstory as to who made it for who,and why,and how it ended up in a barrow with the powers that it has.
Maybe another powerful mage found when the king died that the sword was cursed,and put it in the barrow so that it could do no more harm to the world??
As it is,1/5, but it has the potential to be a 4/5 item with a good enougth backstory. Re-write it,that's my advice, and the good votes will come flooding in.
Not bad. Much better then it once was. I assume the sword only wins over someone's mind once it has been held for more then a short time (more then a minite or two) and that's how it ended in the grave.I can *feel* how the sword must be longing to get out of the grave.
straining, willing, waiting for just this to happen? I can imagine it moving slightly, something it could not do before it was placed in the grave, but it's will to escape over the decades has given it that slight power.Perhaps it is slowly trying to pierce the surface of the soil, advancing a few milimeters a year.
Another thing I like is the wizard and how he was not directly harmed by the sword.I feel sorry for the wizard's ghost, unable to reach the books and stuck for all eternity. You have really made an effort here and turned a bland Sword of Wonder into a weapon that feels real and deadly and is as evil as my own Crown of Pier Point.
Imagine a ruler with both the Pier Point Crown and this sword!
3/5 for the updated item, plus 1 point more for effort. 4/5 I tried to vote again, but I doubt I can as I've already voted. But thank you so much for taking the trouble to update your item.I look forward to what else you will create. :) Go to Comment
It's still a little unimaginative (magic sword with an ego, kind of a bog standard for the more powerful magical weapons) but the history does nicely explain how and why it was made being. Also I quite like the idea that it's real power came into being because the Demain's control of the enchanting rituals was less than perfect.
And Cheka: I also have a lot of sympathy for poor Demain's ghost and as for somebody having both this and the Crown of Pier Point, that's just too horrible to even think about
Finally, as promised I'll vote now - a pretty good implementation of a standard idea 3/5
Thanks for all the comments and suggestions! I am editing it on Word at home to make it more detailed and interesting. So as soon as I get home I will finish it and put it in the description. One question: should I put down its history right to the present day? Only it kind of gets destroyed. Go to Comment
An interesting thought occurred to me as I first read the description of this item, and it still holds true. What determines the worst qualities of the bearer? The sword's mind?
If so, what happens if someone who is naturally evil to the bone (a character in particular I'm thinking of, who was pure evil incarnate, and played quite well) gets ahold of this bad boy? Will it enhance the already bloodthirsty-ness? Or will it bring out what /he/ considers the worst parts of him, such as any vestige of love or kindness?
A good item with nice properties.
I "ditto" a few of the points made above,(but then again i can't talk)like the question why was it buried with him?, and has it been found?
4/5 for the item,
3/5 for the background story. Go to Comment