Brilliant! I would love to see a quest where a party of newbies is convinced to become partners in this sort of "business venture." Their sponsor gives them a sample of the *very expensive* chalk, talks up the potential market value of the product, and strokes their egos a little. He then has them sign a contract as harvesters, and gives them vague directions to the nearest source. When they arrive, their contact in the area explains exactly what they are supposed to do. . . and reminds them of the severance agreement in the contract they signed if they refuse to go through with collecting these things.
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I think this shows promise, but as others have already said, it seems a bit short for true usability. I like the demonic shadow, and would love to see more detail for it as well (after all, it's inevitable that it be encountered when visiting realm).
The noise in this place must be incredible. I can imagine that the longing for silence, for stillness, would eventually come to equal the longing for dry land. Still, it is incomplete as Echo first pointed out. A little more development would help.
A tantalizing glimpse, but I would also like more detail. Perhaps an intro where the soul dies for the first time to answer the question of how he landed there. Maybe even a plot hook on how to get the adventurers in and out of such a hell, either looking to save a lost comrade or on a mission for information from the deceased (who would quite likely demand release as payment.)
I'm witholding my vote for now.
This is a really well-written description of a hell of perpetual drowning. It doesn't answer the questions of how one would get in and out of such a place or why you would want to go there but it really evokes the feeling of drowning. Who does this hell exist for? Sailors?
It is railroady, and I apologise for that. Plots are not my forte, item creation is. That I'm even getting a passing 3/5 is already better than I'd hoped and better than I remember most of my plots doing. Thank you for your comments, hopefully I can work it into something better in the future.
I like it, though I do agree with others about the plot. It's not bad, but I think more of it would do better. Perhaps it was just the way the post was written, but it felt like the beginning and end lasted forever, while the middle flew by too fast to notice.
Perhaps something in the beginning that required the players to dig up the information, instead of getting it from the Seer (being so close to death might blind him more than his disease). Others have pointed out some good ideas.
However, I did like it immensely. My attention was kept by the whole thing and it made sense. It would benefit from being fleshed out, maybe given more complexity, but it's good and useful how it is.
No need to apologize, the only way to get better at it is to practice, and this sub does have potential and is a great quality submission. (Hence the solid 3 rating )
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I found to make adventure subs less "railroady" it works best to leave things loosely detailed and simply create the scene for the action to take place, or the event that unfolds for the characters to react to/interact with as they see fit without scripting a specific expected response from them. (Similar to how I presented the plot hooks in my shipyard quest sub)