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The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-19 07:11 PM
Updated: Okay Ive done what I feel is a good job. I made it a little religious and ethically based to explain more of the past and present of the dragon. Hope you enjoy Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-19 02:33 PM
Okay, thank you I will take your ideas and work on it. Although I also like the image I gave the dragons scale.A story is never satisfying to me unless it is completely understood and liked by everyone who is willing to help. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
sverigesson's comment on 2010-10-08 05:33 AM
This has some potential, but the writing style needs a lot of work and some of it still comes off as cliche. Not bad, but not great either. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Ramhir's comment on 2010-10-08 02:44 PM


Like sverigesson said, the writing style needs a lot of improvement. It took me a few moments to realize that the dragon's layer was where he lived, his lair. And what are 'eyes of poise'? Some of his style may have been deliberate, but it doesn't add anything for me.



An OK sub, but it does need some more work to be usable.

Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
gulkien's comment on 2011-05-11 06:58 AM


it should npc


Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Strolen's comment on 2006-09-19 01:37 PM
Updated to NPC. Please update the subcategories.

Awesome job on the updates!!! Hang in there, the great people here will get you there! Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2006-09-19 03:30 AM
Let me just say one thing, Abock: Your attitude towards criticism is very commendable. We get people that join this site once in a while who make a poor post, and then when we pick it to pieces, they get upset and leave. Your positive learning attitude will help you become a great poster with practice, so thumbs up to that! :) Now! Onto the submission:

Please pay attention to where things should be posted. This should be posted in the NPC section. An NPC is a "Non Player Character", which basically is any specific intelligent lifeform.
Here's an example of the differences between NPC's and Lifeforms.
NPC's: King Arthur, Merlin, George Bush, Count Dracula.
Lifeforms: Homo Sapien, Felines, dragons, vampires.

The grammar and sentence structure of your posts make reading it feel a bit awkward. What I suggest to fix this, is that you should write out your entire submission, then submit is as "In work: Hidden". Leave it for a day, then come back to it and read over it. If it doesn't make sense, THEN edit it and post it. You tend to find a lot more mistakes when your ideas and thoughts aren't in your head.
Furthermore, this website comes with a 'spell check' button - it's there for a reason, and it's better to use it than to have someone take points off a submission because of a few silly mistakes.

Now, apart from those problems, it's obvious you have some good ideas in you - I can see where you're going with this submission, and it's not a bad idea.

Anyway. Don't be discouraged by low marks - we all start somewhere; some of us at the very bottom! Good luck in future ideas! Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-09-16 07:17 PM
Interesting as an idea, but too badly done for me to vote.It needs rewriting. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-09-17 07:06 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Pariah's comment on 2006-09-17 06:39 PM
GAHGK! I'm gonna start by saying that this is MOST definiately in the wrong place. Not a lifeform, but an npc post. Spell check is next on the list. Those 2 together dropped your post half a point.

Now for the post itself. There's an idea there, I can see that, and with a bit of sparkle and fizz you can hide all the hackneyed old cliches. Another thing is that in the flavor text, you say that he has risen out of the underworld, implying that it was Baden's song that brought him there, but in the story you make no mention of him dying. In fact it seems like you say that he was cursed with immortality. Also, might I suggest that you don't change tenses in the middle of a sentance, unless absolutly nessacary (2nd to last paragraph.)

You also have a problem that's very common, it has to do with homophones (words that sound the same but are spelled different.) Until the English language makes more sense, you're gonna have to watch to make sure you don't put in too many of these. Also remember that possesives have an apostrophe.

I also find it hard to believe that four great kings would let a lowly bard/teacher overhear them talking about matters of national importance. I know that I wouldn't want any stupid, blabbering commoner listening to me talk about how we're not going to be able to beat a horde of skeletons. And then I know for a fact I would have laughed in the face of any aforementioned commoner when he came up to me and told me, the king, not to worry about it.

I don't expect gramatical perfection out of anyone on this site, and I understand that English might not be your first language. God knows how hard it is, I've been speaking it for the past 15 years of my life and I still have problems with it, but there are plenty of people here that struggle through and write better than many native speakers. Also, read through some of the posts in the NPC section that have gotten a 4.5->5 rating. That's what we're looking for in a post. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Pariah's comment on 2006-09-18 09:25 PM
All right. It's a lot better than before. It doesn't leave me with as many unanswered questions. You still need a little help with grammer and word choice, but if you keep trying you'll get a lot better. My suggestion is to read different kind of books by different authors than you normally do. Also your line breaks kinda fell apart towards the very end.

All in all it's now a decent submission. Congrats. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Murometz's comment on 2006-09-19 04:25 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-05-29 09:50 AM
A good start, though the power level of the Robe puts this into the 'mythical' category and seems more like fiction.

There is good detail here, but its virtually all background and little on how this nearly indestructible fellow would be used.
Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-17 05:14 PM
Thank you for your honest opinion. After all i am here to become a better writer. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-17 05:40 PM
Updated: Updated: I think this is a better explanation of my lifeform and his creation. Im glad you guys are brutally honest, it makes me a better writer. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-17 06:56 PM
thank you,
I regret to inform you that I am a native but only a senior in highschool. Everything you said helped me greatly though I will continue to work on it. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-18 05:58 PM
Updated: I will revise it again when I return but for now I think this is much better. If you read this within the next 3 hours go easy on me until I get back okay thanks. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-18 07:11 PM
Updated: Okay I hope this is better. I personally really like this piece now and can take pride in the story, maybe not the writing, but the idea is enjoyable. Go to Comment
The King of Hingrad
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-19 02:20 PM
Thank you very much for your advice. I will try to catagorize things better next time. When I found this sight I was looking for a place to practice and learn from better writers; So my attitude is about learning as much as you will teach me. Go to Comment
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