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Claymore of a mourning son
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Cursed)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-09-29 12:00 PM
Holding my vote and such, until you edit again.

Might I suggest a less poetic structure. Part of the difficulty I had in reading was that this piece tends to "jump back" in a couple of places. Each idea should flow from the next, until that idea is played out and either the post is ended OR another idea is added to it. This would create a more chronologic order to the piece.

Now to some specific:
Full Item description does not describe the item at all. It describes the effect. So is this a beaten and knocked blade Claymore, or a shiny obviously magical weapon?

The other text is not clear about the son to father element at all. That is vital to the piece and is the most obscure part you have written. Go to Comment
Claymore of a mourning son
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Cursed)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-09-24 09:43 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Claymore of a mourning son
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Cursed)
valadaar's comment on 2013-05-29 09:55 AM
This is interesting, though it falls into cliche with the powerful sword that feeds on souls, ground which has been gone over a few too many times.

The text is rich with unusual adjectives and adverbs - feckless, myopic, etc but needs work on general structure and spelling.

It shows potential. Since its been more then seven years since this was written, It would be awesome to see what you can do now.
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Claymore of a mourning son
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Cursed)
Wulfhere's comment on 2006-09-24 06:11 PM
Each of your submissions has been better than the one before. This has definite promise, but will still benefit from editing.

The well-known author Clark Ashton Smith used to read all his tales aloud to himself before he finished them, so that he could tell if he had polished them to perfection; I recommend that you do so as well. You may also want to have someone else review your tales before you submit them: It's easy to find faults in someone else's writing, but hard to see your own.

If I understand it correctly, the weapon is an accursed blade that makes its bearer invulnerable, an invincible killing machine until he slays a father in the presence of the man's son. Epic, but probably too potent. Does it drive the son to pick it up or can the chain be broken? Can any power supress the thing's magic?

This can be usable as a challenge to the heroes, but more information is needed about how to take it down. Obviously, a head-on attack would be futile, but perhaps the wielder could be disarmed or lured into a trap. Does this juggernaut of destruction require food or air?

By presenting more information about what the wielder isn't capable of doing, you give the gamemaster clues that they can present to make this a more interesting challenge for the players. Go to Comment
Claymore of a mourning son
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Cursed)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-24 06:39 PM
thank you for the comment. You understood my writing and for that I am happy. I see though that I did not completely create the story and I will fix it. Go to Comment
Claymore of a mourning son
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Cursed)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-27 07:32 PM
Updated: OK.....I spent a few days away from this piece to try and get a clear mind. I think I may have accomplished what was fowling this story. Check it out and let me know...Thanks Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
manfred's comment on 2006-09-18 03:49 AM
As said, it is an idea seed... but we would prefer more. Also, his personality is missing - sure he would defend from any that would attack him, but what does he do about the people that come begging him for help? Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
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manfred's comment on 2006-09-19 04:26 AM
Definitely deserves a vote-upgrade!

It is much better. We can see him in the present, and have an idea of his future. The past could perhaps still be a bit lightened up - was he possibly a part of the primal creation, when the very world was made? While the players/readers of the story may never know, it would be interesting to us. Also, there must be legends surrounding the creature among the people; even if not true, they would describe it and its powers. Perhaps, ages ago it was more willing to help mortals?

(Aside, the advice from others in 'King Hingrad' post applies here, too. Some sentences have a bit weird structures - though it can be seen you do it to achieve a more artistic feel, which I respect. Also those similar-sounding words spook around here and there.)

Looks better! Kudos for working on it. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
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CaptainPenguin's comment on 2006-09-17 09:08 PM
And?
Why does this dragon have healing powers? Where did it come from, how was it born or who made it or whatever? Where did it come from? What are its habits? Are there legends that surround it? So on so on.

You need more. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
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Pieh's comment on 2010-10-08 02:45 PM


I liked this one. I can agree the writing is a bit off in places, but it didn't make it harder to read in the slightest. I honestly enjoyed reading that. Kudos.


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The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-09-18 07:39 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
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Mourngrymn's comment on 2006-09-20 07:32 AM
Better... interesting to bring a god into the fray. Having a dragon as a gate keeper to heaven is certainly unique enough for me, but your grammer and spelling is still rough around the edges. I would give you another +.5 for your dutiful effort to clean it up. This is much better though. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Mourngrymn's comment on 2006-09-19 07:54 AM
Granted the base idea is interesting, an immortal protector that seems to despise those it protects... Kind of eclectic. But, the grammer is a bit off. While like manfred said, some of your sentences have an odd structure to it there seems to be a purpose behind it but you have too many mispelled words.

The story of the fatal gift is a lovely twist and I applaud you for it. To me this still needs some work to get a vote from me. As of right now I would throw out a 2.0 vote, maybe a 2.5 if I felt generous. I know this can do much better. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Mourngrymn's comment on 2006-09-19 02:34 PM
If you are waiting for everyone to understand it and like it, thats a futile effort. You can't please everyone. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Pariah's comment on 2006-09-17 09:30 PM
As is, it would make a decent idea seed. Expand it.

If he doesn't heal people cause he's too busy being hunted, how do the people know that he can? Or is it just some sort of Hunt for the Grail? You say many stories exist in the flavor text, why don't you write some up and include them in the post.

I'm gonna hold back on voting for the moment. I'd suggest that you read the 5 highest rated submissions in ALL the catagories and see if you can figure out what elusive qualities make a great sub, and if you ever see the chat being used feel free to drop in and ask any questions you have, we're generally nice to new people here. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Pariah's comment on 2006-09-19 08:22 PM
Better. Still a bit less than what I like, but it'll do. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-08 07:21 AM


My only thought  about the writing style is that the tone is not held constant. Cliche and poetic are fine, they suggest a time before the media over saturation.  Colloquial and modern is fine too, just because were describing dragons, jousts or an iron-age agrarian lifestyle doesn’t mean we need to use middle English (or our approximation of middle English).  I think the author was going for a classical theme here and achieved that in the first few paragraphs.  (After all what modern man would name his son Gale?)



I didn’t see the original, but what I read today seems like a solid post that achieves its goal (telling us the back story of the dragon scale).  Also, for the most part, it sets a mood and a tone.



 


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The Great White Dragon
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valadaar's comment on 2006-09-20 07:02 AM
I'd say this is infinitely better then the original submisson, but I need to echo others concerns on grammar, etc. I do have a problem with a Dragon named Dracon. Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
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Abock's comment on 2006-09-18 08:22 PM
Updated: I hope this is a little better. I think I'm getting better and soon you guys will see some great compositions from me. The ideas never stop coming haha Go to Comment
The Great White Dragon
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Abock's comment on 2006-09-19 05:05 PM
Updated: I must go and it need more revising but i think this is considerably better. Take a look Go to Comment
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