Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The Dagger of Danbir
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Campaign Defining)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-06 09:48 AM
Ok, I'll chime in on the technical stuff, since you asked :)

Moonhunter has a great set of submissions if you are going for the 'golden standard' for your subs.

http://strolen.com/viewing/Five_Best_Tips_for_Posting_on_Strolens_and_Other_Places

Specifically, the first paragraph is too long, and there are some fairly long run-on sentences which could be split into 3 sentances.

"As the boy grew older he was taught all sorts of things, from how to fight to how to have proper etiquette at a dinner table full of foreign dignitaries, until one afternoon, after a long day teaching the boy how to fight he was given the destined dagger, that day would mark the day that the kingdom of Daltum would fall."

Remove the "Until" and rework the second.

"One afternoon, after a gruelling training session , the young prince was presented with the Dagger (by who, specifically?). This afternoon would also be marked as the day."

Welcome aboard and keep up with the posting! :)




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Variable-Frame Aerospace Fighter
Items  (SpaceShips)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-06 09:26 AM
As an entry in the Encylopedia Cosmic Era, this is a great entry. Love the use of images. Love veritechs! :)
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Genimal
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-01 11:49 AM
Again, great background detail, but it is a bit - empty - of drama. The immense issue of oxygen depetion is touched upon, but otherwise this is almost too positive a sub for the general grimness of the Cosmic Era.
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Masgolth's Fire
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-08 09:48 AM
This is awesome! I like powerful, simple items like this and the origin is good apart from the lack of details on the benefactor.


Eventually, someone is going to try and drop it into a boiler and build a steam-driven mobile city :)
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The Leviathan's Enemy
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Plains)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-03 10:11 AM
I like stupendous things. This is definately such.

It is big enough to affect the planets rotation as it moves around.

http://www.ripleys.com/weird/daily-dose-of-weird-wtf-blog/strange-places-and-customs/the-science-of-the-three-gorges-dam/

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Braddock
NPCs  (Minor)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-08 09:42 AM
I like that this is your own version, for more than one reason. Not sure why this one flew under the radar, but this is a great NPC. Lots of background details, and a development of your amazons.

Good stuff!



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The Spirit Net
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-20 11:43 AM
Update: Short and sweet (I hope :)) This would be an Oekaki but it was not in response to any particular quest/etc. It was done under 30 mins in one sitting though. Go to Comment
Office of the High Councillor Corvin
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-20 08:50 AM
A great first sub Kal_23! I'm hoping you flesh out the NPC some more to compliment this location.

There are a couple of typos but none too bad.

Moonhunter used to give the same basic advice for new posters, and I think it good:

http://strolen.com/viewing/Five_Best_Tips_for_Posting_on_Strolens_and_Other_Places

He is looking for a very high standard in this advice - "If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work" which is good for writing, though the main goal of this site is to share ideas. As a result, submissions should be made with an eye towards this goal, but this is certainly not the be-all and end all.

Welcome aboard!
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Genetic Castes
Systems  (Societal/ Cultural)   (Specific)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-20 09:19 AM
This makes a great backdrop to such things as Gamma world and Fallout - these changes could have been in progress when the shit hit the fan. As a result, your survivors can draw from the various castes listed.

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Assault Mecha in the Cosmic Era
Items  (Armor)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-20 09:27 AM
It would be interesting to see a battletech game with these monsters added to it.

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A/BM-1 Stoudenmire
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-18 09:22 AM
I like this piece - always a sucker for the technical details.

One detail struck me as odd - you mention blackpowder as the propellent. Why not cordite? Blackpowder has a lot of disadvantages - not the least of which is the terrible fouling of complex machinery of which the mech would be one of.

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A/BM-1 Stoudenmire
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-18 11:28 AM
I think you can just omit any mention of the propellent when dealing with conventional projectile technology - cordite/etc is assumed. The term firearm is good enough for that as well.

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New Themyscira
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Water)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-10 02:49 PM
Again, your stuff is really well done and detailed. I get the Miriya feel from this sub as well (The female Zentraedi warrior from Robotech).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miriya_Parina_Sterling

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Ssacha a'Karliik
Items  (Other)   (Cursed)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-10 09:30 AM
I like it - I have a thing for magic casting decapitated heads and evil magic sacks. Good job! Go to Comment
The Fae
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-09 02:28 PM
This is quite a dark take on the Fae, which is good to counter the typical view of these folks.

Certain 'activities' seem a bit difficult, considering their size, but I assume they use magic to address that shortcoming?

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Father Titus, Resurrection Man
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-03 09:51 AM
I like this fellow and I'm liking the LA by night setting as well. Go to Comment
Excerpt from Lockwhistle’s Adventurer’s Companion for Beginners
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Non-Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-23 01:51 PM
Hmm, this would work as a vehicle for introducing various creatures on the site from a different perspective of the current subs.

I don't have a good one to add at the moment, but it certainly has potential!

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The Lasting Company
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Regional)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-03 09:01 AM


An interesting submission though it seems to go out of its way to be macabre.



Also, Death Wars seems an odd title :)

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Corporal John Heathfeld Esquire,
NPCs  (Character Sheet)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-03 08:51 AM


I think the amount of effort on this sub is amazing, but I'm afraid there are a few issues that prevent me from being able to properly appreciate it.



1. This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read. -Winston Churchill



This submission appears to cover too much ground, and there are things that are not really necessary.



In general, submissions here should be game system agnostic - the character sheet should in my opinion, be omitted, or perhaps contained in a linked stub.



This also extends to the detailed discussions on alignment - state it simply and if you want to have a major discussion on alignment, perhaps an article or the forums.



The item descriptions, while wonderfully details, are rather long for what are basically standard items with a bit of unique details. Maybe one or two items might deserve such treatment, but not all.



2. Bold should be used sparingly, it appears to cover the entire submission which defeats the purpose. As it is, it promotes eye strain and makes me really not want to read it in detail. - It seems to be a broken Bold tag, I'll see if I can fix it.



Again, the amount of detail and effort is amazing, but it is a very intimidating read and a lot of it unnecessary to describe an NPC for others to use.



I'm holding off a vote for now - it really needs to be severely pruned down.

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The Pack
Lifeforms  (Third Kingdom)   (City/ Ruin)
valadaar's comment on 2013-11-20 08:13 PM
Update: Releasing this into the world. Part of a larger submission that will use them. Go to Comment
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