Strolen\s Citadel content. 
30 Generals
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-21 08:31 AM
I think stripping the generals a little more of their historical actions and concentrating more on what made them different would have improved this list and kept it from being little more than very short wiki entries.

For example, Rommel was far more than a Desert General. He was an innovator, a mans-general. He was partly responsible for the heavy defence of Normandy, and had he been given the resources he asked for, things may have been quite different.

My point is not to add that to the entry, but to focus on what made him different from other generals and strip out the WWII events.

Crazy Horse is another example. What made him different from other generals apart from he was an American-Indian? If you dropped him into a medieval setting, how would you tell.

I think this is an excellent list idea, and a lot of work was done, but I think a focus on the personalities would render a far superior submission.

Oh, and Hitler was never a general, as much as he wanted to be. Puling out the political leader types and replacing them with more generals would also improve the sub (No Monty? No Eisenhower? Like them or not, these two had strong personalities which would serve well as archtypes)


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30 Generals
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-21 08:32 PM
If I thought it was hopeless, I would not have commented, especially not with that much detail.

I think you could make this a 4.5+ sub if you concentrated on what I suggested - there is so much potential with these individuals.

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Monks of the Bearded Moon
Society/ Organizations  (Mystical)   (Regional)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-21 09:55 AM
This great, given the fairly restrictive premise - moonbeard. Of course I am a little biased towards it.

I echo the need for slightly more wierdness or perhaps darkness. Perhaps more strongly lean on the madness aspect of the moon - lunacy.



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Standard Issue Escape Goat, EXTREME
Items  (Other)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-18 10:54 AM
Take a look at the comments overall, rather than judge on one or two. The overall reception here is good and you have a lot of feedback.
Longspeaks feedback is gold. Go to Comment
Standard Issue Escape Goat, EXTREME
Items  (Other)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-17 11:23 AM


*Snort*



Obligatory Typo:



4 chests full of treasure

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The Belts of Parkour
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-15 02:19 PM
Update: Out with ye! Go to Comment
The Belts of Parkour
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-15 06:14 PM
Yikes typos! How embarassing! :)

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Blade of Racial Pride
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
valadaar's comment on 2014-03-26 07:22 AM
A decent item - it certainly can make sense in a mechanics perspective, as rules associated with such things as 'favoured races' exist. What makes a little less sense is that it itself is not associated with any particular race (such as that of the trapped spirit) and treats racism much as one would treat good, evil, law, chaos..

Essentially it is a sin-blade. Go to Comment
Pakint Dragongroom
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-15 07:43 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Pakint Dragongroom
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-15 07:43 AM
A really good redux, selection of the last name Pendragon gave it additional authenticity
(I hope that was your intent :))

A much more detailed and useful NPC. Mission Accomplished indeed.


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River Horses
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Water)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-14 09:02 AM
A great submission MM! The LOTR imagery is strong here, but they are an excellent elemental spirit.

Nicely done!

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Adventures Beneath the Waves
Plots  (Crisis)   (Mini-Campaign)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-15 07:25 AM


A very organized and detailed plotline! It is hovering around the edge of being pre-scripted, but that is probably the only way to keep the text from becoming immense.



Also, being underwater tends to put strong controls on where and what you can do.



Great job!

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Overly-Attached Chainmail
Items  (Armor)   (Cursed)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-14 09:51 AM
Very good, but I am having a very hard time visualizing what is described as chainmail.

Bone armour of some kind, maybe, but when you say something is chainmail we have a very strong pre-existing picture of what chainmail is and looks like.

There is little room between the metal links of chainmail for either bone or leather to be involved, while something closer to Brigadine eg. http://howtomakearmour.blogspot.ca/2012/05/making-brigandine.html, would seem more likely to me.

Apart from that, it is a neat item and an interesting background. Madness and royalty go well together.




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Moon Beard
NPCs  (Major)   (Artistic/Performance)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-13 08:45 PM
Ummm. Certainly different Scras :)

A very odd character. Go to Comment
The Year of the Exile
Articles  (Setting Building)   (Game Mastering)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-13 08:43 PM
"The elves took the forests, the dwarves took the mines, the goblins and humans took the farmlands, and the orcs took what was left"

There is a lot of history here, but the tropes are so strong they are uninspired. That the elves caused a downfall by not allowing forests to be cut is very one-dimensional and simplistic. Even among humans there are many nuances with how groups relate with each other.

It seems to be a rewrite of WWII in some aspects, with Aetius holding the title name.

It works - obviously the real world history that it draws from happened, but it seems forced to fit that mold, What is not explained, for example, is really why the neighboring races did not act sooner. In the real world, the powers were still smarting from the devastating war before, and with democracies could not easily go to war.

There are a fair number of places where the text seems to contradict itself:

"By the time the buildup to the Year of the Exile came about, Kathia had grown fat on military conquest. During the beginning of the buildup, it reached a point of peace, called the Prosperitas Kathiae (translated: The Prosperity of Kathia). "

I really can't follow when they were peaceful, and when they were not. How did they grow fat on conquest at peace? How could they push into their neighbors? What kept them from squashing them when the began to get hostile. Racisim works both ways.

I guess my main complaint is that the submission really does not answer the question of how they managed to defeat all four races.







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Redux Tantibus
Dungeons  (Any)   (Rooms/ Halls)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-13 07:49 AM


A good fit for an old-school dungeon. In such an environment, the who's and the whys are unimportant, though as I have aged, those questions stick with me.



It would be nice to have some reason behind this, apart from being an unusual trap. Its power seems akin to Wish type magic's - i.e. The person's greatest fear is the End of The World and so someone would have invested a great deal of magic in its creation.



Perhaps its old purpose was as a test for some order - face your fears, overcome them. Eventually, no nightmares would come forth when then phrase was spoken, and they pass the ordeal.



Typo: wolves not wolfs

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Concordare Iram,
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-13 09:01 AM
Such an interesting, odd race but I echo Caesar's comments - what do they want? Are they just something to be used as a weapon or otherwise hostile encounter?

There are a few typos - for example pare - should be pair.

There are some great ideas with this race - show us how you would use them.

History:

"Little is known about the origins of the Concordare Iram. "

You are the author and we are generally GMs - not players. As a result, submissions are more useful to the GMs when such details are provided - even in summary form. Its okay for the players/Game world to have few to no details on this race, but for GMs it is generally useful to have this type of information.

Great job youngOne2!
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Rod of Ashirkelenge
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Villanous)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-06 08:42 PM
A fine artifact with everything it needs, perhaps save for how one would destroy this thing.

Nicely done! Go to Comment
Robber Squirrels
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Forest/ Jungle)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-06 10:39 AM


Quite cool.



For constructive criticism, I would suggest reading your text out loud to yourself. There are some odd sentences that should stand out when read aloud.

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Autons
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2014-01-06 10:36 AM
Good background material, but lacking in punch. Did anyone accomplish something interesting with them? Any taken over by a rogue AI or demon for that matter? :)

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