I think far too much has been dumped on what at its heart is a very simple idea.
A magical pilot-light.
And yes, Alchemy is absolutely a magical discipline - as much as Astrology relates to Astronomy. Alchemy is tied very much historically to the occult and the religious. The metals known at the time all aligned with the stars, the Zodiac played prominently, and looking for immortality and transformation not allowed by physics (at least without atomic process) all mark it as magic.
Its a good idea , but the restrictions on it simply don't hold well. Doing something as simple as requiring the heart of some rare creature would have sufficed.
This is an odd one - the selection of a name that is 1 character away from a real, famous guitarist is somewhat jarring, but okay. It seems oddly placed in time as well - comments about 'bards' and princesses while seeming to be an electric guitar .
Decently written, but I think the Metallica Guitarist dropped in the Middle Ages idea could have had a bit more work to make it fit a little better. An interesting idea to think on how they would manifest though.
Now, for why someone would need/make something like this, I have one word:
A smaller version of this device would be a godsend, as the best chainmail armor had riveted links. I've make chainmail the lazy way, by squishing links together with pliers, and that was tedious enough. I can't imagine the amount of work required to make a riveted suit with medieval technology... Go to Comment
Interesting, though I am reminded of the sharks in Finding Nemo.... Personally I think vampires should not be sugar-coated. They are anti-life and evil. But that's my opinion.
There are blatant spelling errors that should be addressed and some of the sentence structures need rewor - like
"In a world where rival vampires would like to get you out of the way to be on the safe side and where the inquisition hunts anything not 'natural' not to mention fledgling vampire slayers trying to start on less vicious vamps first they find there is safety in numbers. "
This should be three sentences - too much is being conveyed in one.
My advice - Take Moonhunter's Advice wholeheartedly. Go to Comment